I Ramble: 31 May 2017

In the name of Allah, the All-Compassionate, the All-Merciful.


To most, it is a time of reflection. To me, it is a time of guilt.

I feel guilty for not being a better Muslim.

I feel guilty for not being a better fiancée.

I feel guilty for not being a better daughter.

I feel guilty for not being a better sister.

I feel guilty for not being a better friend.

I feel guilty for not being a better fan.

I feel guilty for not being a better Nurul Huda.

Hais. There are so many things I am guilty for and I am not quite sure how to make amends.

Tomorrow is June and what have I achieved? I realise that working in one goal at a time ironically does not help me much. I was better off last year at this point of time, achieving many goals I set for myself. I think I need to change things already. Clearly my style is ‘go for everything in order to get at least something’ rather than ‘go for something in order to get everything’. It is very important for all of us to not only realise our strengths and weaknesses but to find out methods and systems that work for us because clearly some of us cannot work in an affixed way.

Tonight, I admit, I slipped. I caved in. I sinned. I tried to make myself feel better beforehand by applying for a couple of jobs and by watching some videos but those methods didn’t help me much. I then tried to make myself feel better afterwards by snacking and watching the repeat telecast of the FA Cup final 2017.

That was when I realised I once loved a lot and right now, it feels like I have lost a lot.

Things have happened. I have made my decisions. While it is important to take a step back when trying to move forwards, it is more imperative to disallow ourselves from taking more than one step bakwards. Unfortunately, I took many steps backwards and have been living in constant worry and fear and stress.

I thank God for the amazing people in my life. I have hit a huge snag in my life but I am surrounded by people who practiced a lot of mindfulness. I am ashamed of having to lean on them so much, for example Nora, but there are circumstances which are simply beyond my control and I’m just doing my best to face everything head on. I think the problem was I was trying so hard to keep control that the more I did so, the more I lost it. It was like trying to contain water in a sieve. If the water was bound to flow through, it was definitely going to and no amount of effort to cover the base of the sieve with my bare hands was going to do it any good. Some things just happened because they had to happen but that does not mean we do not walk away from it completely empty-handed. I couldn’t walk away with quantifiable amount of water but at least my hands got wet. A taste of sweetness on top of bitter disappointment holds more weight than quick full satisfaction. We do not know what we have until we have lost it. Yet we do not know what we have lost precisely because we think we already have it.

Hahaha, maybe all of that is just mindless rambling in the middle of the night. I don’t know. I really don’t know how to explain what I feel right now. I only know that for once in my life, I need to stop feeling if I want to overcome this mid-year crisis. Not every difficulty requires sentiment. Sometimes you just have to grind and plough through.

After tomorrow, the next 48 days will be all about survival in this stone island called Singapore.

I have to make it.

I’m really sorry, readers, but it looks like you will be getting a lot of personal posts from me. Writing is therapeutic for me and I somewhat find comfort in saying a lot of things to no one in particular. Ironic, huh?

Perhaps I am a paradoxical Pandora.

So let’s regroup and reset our goals. Think about the progress you have made so far this year and the improvements you can make. What about planning for a longer term than just this year? Where do you want to be at in your life the next five years? I’ll be thinking about such things later in the morning and examining my life holistically once more.

Yes, despite the meltdowns, the anxiety attacks, the emotional breakdowns,

I still choose to live.

And Allah is Ar-Rahim, the All-Merciful. Dear Allah, please have mercy on me and on my soul. Please widen the doors of my prosperity. Please help me in my efforts and make my affairs easier for me. Amin. – MM

I Ramble: 29 May 2017

In the name of Allah, the All-Compassionate, the All-Merciful.

Reaching Singapore soon. Am at Manila airport now, waiting for the gate to open for our flight at 6.30pm.

I’m coming for you.

And Allah is Ar-Rahman, the All-Compassionate. – MM

I Romance: 25 May 2017

In the name of Allah, the All-Compassionate, the All-Merciful.

Dear my love,

I have just finished the last piece of paperwork that I ‘owe’ the centre. I feel very overwhelmed right now because I know the past week has been difficult for the both of us…and it may be until we have both reached our goals for the upcoming month.

Sayang, it’s really crazy how fast Allah is rewarding me for every difficulty I went through. Right after pulling myself together to overcome my final moments at the workplace, He rewarded me with our booking at Lagun Sari. I was looking at FaceBook and they have just announced that they were having a promotion — secure wedding date with just $100 — which we managed to do before the promotion was announced! Then there was me finishing the article for the company newsletter although it was dropped to my lap one week before I left the workplace, which we all found unfair. Nonetheless, I finished it last Tuesday, way after I have resigned, and within three hours. Right upon completing, my dad passed me the cheque from the company. Timely reward, wasn’t it? Lastly, after finally finishing the centre’s resource inventory list, which took two consecutive Saturdays in my final month of working and a whole chunk of my time after my resignation (days actually), I was getting ready for bed when I saw my cash collections…of overseas currency. More precisely, I saw Pilipinas Piso. My jaw dropped. I took down the glass bottles containing the overseas money and lo, in total, I had PHP511.25. It is good for two meals. Alhamdulillah! What a blessing duing these difficult times! In fact I even found a 50 000 Korean won note. If I change that I could get at least SGD45. I was so tempted to take it! But… I felt that it is best to leave it there until I need it. Maybe one day, I will be grateful to have kept it for a future trip to Korea again. Wallahualam bisawab. Only Allah knows best. I’m just very thankful to Allah for all the good things. I’ll take responsibility for the bad things.

I hope that we can both continue to seek help from Allah through patience and prayer. He always answers, just in ways we cannot imagine or in the time He decides when is best for us.

I’m going to miss you terribly, my darling. If you ever feel lonely, you can always text King. ūüôā

Yours forever,

Bae ‚̧

I Recommend: 21 May 2017

In the name of Allah, the All-Compassionate, the All-Merciful.

In the spirit of ushering Ramadhan, here’s a documentary by BBC on Britain’s First Muslim Converts. What’s jaw-dropping is that one of the Quran’s renowned translators, Marmaduke Pickthall (I’m sure you would have read his translations before, very olde English), was mentioned in the documentary…and that his great great niece discovered books written by him and so she went to track his story and have a different perspective on Islam as a non-Muslim.

Just spend 30 minutes to enjoy watching this video and get to know the struggles of early Muslims and Muslim converts. And how Islam actually progresses a society. Well, actually, once upon a time, Islamic societies were more progressive than Western ones but the nation has weakened right now. :/

And Allah is Al-Malik, the King. – MM

I Ramble: 20 May 2017

In the name of Allah, the All-Compassionate, the All-Merciful.

Man, I know I have been inactive on MM but golly, a lot of things have been happening.

Le fiance and I completed our marriage course on the 14th May and we received the certificate for it. Tada!


I just love this photo I took of him receiving the certificates:

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He was saying that he will build our marriage upon sakinah mawaddah wa rahmah. That means tranquility built upon love and compassion. They got all the couples to say it out loud whenever the male partners receive the certificates. I think it is like a promise we make to ourselves. The course was good. I think every couple, Muslim or not, should go through a marriage preparatory course. For the course we attended, we went beyond the textbook. We even talked a whole lot about sex! Hehehe. Whether the majority would acknowledge it or not, sex is extremely important in a marriage. Don’t be afraid to ask sex-related questions during your marriage course. It helps you learn things you wouldn’t even think of, even if you think you are the biggest pervert in the world.

I guess that photo is also like a preview of how it will be like during our solemnisation!

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Can you see how happy he is?! Hehehe. It’s only a marriage course certificate but it’s as though he received the actual marriage certificate! Hahaha!

He’s so handsome. ‚̧ Can you believe he got hit on by a couple of teenage girls yesterday in his home elevator?! Hahahaha!


Yesterday, le fiance and I headed to our wedding venue to check it out and talk to our wedding coordinator. I brought my parents and my sister Hidayah with me for support, guidance, and definitely wise input. I’m glad I decided to listen to friends who hollered at me to involve my parents in the wedding planning. We decided on the date, the food, and the package. We¬†even put in¬†a deposit of $100.

I guess things may be going faster than I thought they would go…that it may even take some people by surprise.

Anyway… so it’s official… I’m out of the childcare centre I was at. That’s another¬†thing. Unfortunately, I’m not completely done with it yet. I still owe a couple of stuff…well, more like made to do but whatever, let’s just get done with it. I have bummed around for about two days now so I should get my shit together already.

I’ll be meeting le fiance to discuss our financial and wedding affairs. Things are really picking up for us. Alhamdulillah. Once again, I’m really really glad that we’re not having relationship issues. I guess we are both in the same place of wanting to settle down and start our own family that the thought of looking for other options or having any doubts are not applicable to us. People are right; when it comes to settling down, if it is going to happen, it will happen. I mean, if we were all to think about how le fiance and I met and got together, it wasn’t like I looked for him. Remember, I was out of a stupid first ever relationship that was so stupidly short-term and dramatic that I just was no longer interested in romance, as much as I like romance to a passionate degree. I decided to pursue another passion instead, which is music, which was pretty much how I first met him. I turned up for that first jamming session not looking for a partner. He turned up for that first jamming session not looking for a partner and then now here we are…partners for life who are passionate for the same things. All by His will. I just gotta influence him to start liking football though. Hahahaha!

So yeah, right now I’m in a good place emotionally and mentally. It’s rough financially but I’m being patient because it is a matter of time before my coin gets sorted out properly. I implore everyone to be understanding and patient about my current financial situation. I’m trying to make things work here. My anxiety lies in my HDB loan eligibility application and confirmation from my prospective employer. I really need the help that I can get from those two but they have both been quiet for some time¬†and after the meeting with my wedding coordinator yesterday, I will definitely need to hustle on Monday.

So pray for me everyone. Keeping my shit together and keeping it real and keeping it going.

I also pray the best for everyone. May Allah ease your burdens and make your affairs easier on you. Amin.

And Allah is Al-Basir, the Seer of all. – MM

I Ramble: 11 May 2017

In the name of Allah, the All-Compassionate, the All-Merciful.

Alhamdulillah, I think my cold/flu or whatever it is has started to cleared up.

At the same time, I’m also getting over my recent bout of depression.

It really is very difficult to regulate myself whenever the pendulum sways all the way to the left. Look, the thing is, whenever something like that happens to me, to the human eye, I look like I’m just being annoyingly emo. If you feel annoyed by that, imagine my frustration when my body biologically refuses to get unstuck from that end of the spectrum when my mind is fine. My mind is aware that okay, I’m in a bad place and I’m feeling this way and I know why I’m feeling this way but for some reason both my mind and my body are not in sync.

Then what happens is that my mind gives in to my body.

It gets consumed by the chemical reactions responsible for the emotions.

So I start to isolate myself. Not necessarily¬†physically¬†but more often, mentally disassociate myself with everyone. I feel like I’m not part of the collective so that renders my existence redundant.

And that’s when I don’t feel anything. I don’t feel the need to drink or eat. I no longer crave social interactions either.

And so there it is, the critical stage whereby I need someone to keep on talking to me to break the spell that my body has cast on my mind but usually at this critical stage is when people who are trying to do so finally give up helping me.

I don’t blame them because it is not fair to them. I also have to tell myself that I can’t blame myself either. I have also come to terms with the fact that this is one struggle I have to live with. As long as I am not a danger to myself nor to others, I don’t find the need to get my head checked for shrinking.

Like you, dear readers, I’m trying to shrug it off as just being emo. Why make a mountain out of a molehill?

But at the same time I am staying cautious. I have been like this since my early years. There are¬†patterns¬†and the patterns are consistent…throughout my life. So I can’t totally downplay it but at the same time, I don’t want it to be a big deal.

Le fiance was at the receiving end of my recent bout and fate had it that he was rendered physically ill that he was running low on the resources in managing me.

So as we were walking beside each other, the distance never felt greater when we were actually physically close. Even as I gripped his hand, that distance taunted me more. Throughout our walk from The Analog Factory to Admiralty MRT station, it was silence that accompanied us.

That’s when I realised, it wasn’t the silence that was killing me.

It was his silence that was killing me.

Man, I never want to go back to that state ever again. I’ve had so many silent treatments before but this was the worst.

But props to my man, I guess he could never not talk to me and I could never ignore him.

And we’re back to the happy place we are in now naturally. He’s recovering from his illness [migraine and stomach flu, my poor baby :'(] and I’m recovering from mine.

Props to Lyra as well for not going Bridezilla on me.

If there is something profound she said during my depression mode was, “You’re actually not naturally emo…you’re naturally cheerful.”

I’m acknowledging the fact that resigning is actually affecting me more than I truly am feeling. My mind needs to be stronger than my clutch on le fiance’s hand…more than ever for the next seven days.

The way out is inevitable and soon, this too shall pass.

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And Allah is Ar-Rahim, the All-Merciful. – MM

I Ramble: 7 May 2017

In the name of Allah, the All-Compassionate, the All-Merciful.

Just when I thought I’m over my sore throat and cough, now I’m having the flu. I realise my illness is dragged out because instead of resting after my MC is over, I jumped right back into intensive work. Now, I’m suffering from the consequence of doing so.

So I thought I’d take today to just do nothing and rest fully so I can sing¬†more comfortably tomorrow night for the jamming session with Dry Magnum.

But then I realise, this week is the busiest week for me due to Mother’s Day.

I’m sorry, but, why am I working harder when I’m going to earn lesser pay and in cheque at the end of my road in two weeks’ time?

Know what? Sometimes nothing in life makes sense but whatever it is, what’s set in stone is that I’m leaving and me still doing a lot of work at this rate just shows my level of dedication to my commitments.

So I’m just gonna get on with things and just do my best to bury the unwanted present and squeeze out the needless past.

Let’s close the chapter on Teacher Nurul.

And Allah is Ar-Rahman, the All-Compassionate. – MM