I Write: I Chant Your Name (Original Lyrical Idea)

I chant your name
A wish in the back of my head
Hoping to see you right in front of me

I cry out Your name
A desire that is deep in my heart
Hoping to know if You will hear me

Blasphemy

This love is just an illusion
Yet it’s so real to me
If I can see, I can feel
If I can feel, I can touch
I guess a little is too much

I bow down in fear
A longing to make you stay here
Hoping that you will love me

I walk away when You’re near
A yearning to be with my dear
Hoping that You will let me love him

Impiety

Your love is more than illusion
It’s so real yet I oversee
I’m deaf and dumb
And dumb and blind
I know too little in my mind

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I Ramble: 29 July 2017

In the name of Allah, the All-Compassionate, the All-Merciful.

I must say that five out of the seven songs that the guy highlighted in the video below, are the ones that helped me through life. In fact, many Linkin Park songs have helped me out a lot.

I know, you’re probably sick of the whole Chester’s death thing but I guess it affects me quite a bit.

I suppose it’s because I, or even we, have always thought of the lyrics as words that were meant to relate to us or to connect to us…but I/we never realised that they were cries for help or even suicide notes to a certain extent.

What I really want to talk about in this post is about songwriting.

I miss it. A lot. It’s been a while since I’ve tried to write a song. As someone who aspires to be a songwriter, I feel like I have regressed so badly in my craft. G-Dragon from the famous K-Pop group Big Bang shared that he wrote a song every night before sleeping. That’s the ideal calibre for any songwriter really. It’s not about waiting to be inspired or waiting to have the mood to do so. It is a form of discipline. You cannot develop or progress without discipline in anything you do. I’m slowly picking up the habit of being more disciplined but I need to do better. For now, I have somewhat become a bit more consistent in blogging but there is still room for improvement. Even blogging is a skill which needs to be honed. Maybe to people, it is laughable or negligible…

Until they realise, wow, I don’t know what to blog about. That is one thing. Content generation does not come out of thin air. If it is a personal blog with no intended audience, fine then. But actually even so, what exactly do you intend to reflect on your day? What is important to you? If you have readership on the other hand, what is important to your audience? Are you restricted to a certain theme or style if you blog for a publication?

Another thing is about how to blog what you want to blog about. Are you coherent? Can people understand you? Do you even want to be understood? How are you going to express your tone just by using words or only pictures? How do you say something without offending people unintentionally? How do you intentionally offend people in a subtle way?

So, conclusion: I would like to get back to writing songs now that I’m quite settled in writing blog posts.

And yes, as an aspiring songwriter, I too would love to write meaningful songs that anyone can relate to.

If even a single word from me can save someone’s life, I would be the happiest person in the world because that would mean I have done my job as a responsible individual.

And Allah is Al-Ghafur, the All-Forgiving. – MM

I Ramble: 28 July 2017

In the name of Allah, the All-Compassionate, the All-Merciful.

I was thinking of discussing a difficult topic but I realised I may be well out of my depth to talk about it.

So I think I’ll just stick to what I know.

You see, I have this newfound friend who is going through a difficult time in his personal life. From the very first time he shared with me his story when we first met, I could already sense the grief he has about it. There was so much sorrow in the way he express it. On a certain level, even, it felt like he needed to talk to someone about it but didn’t have the opportunity to do so.

I may not be the brightest or prettiest or most talented or most popular. But I am certainly blessed with the gift of allowing people to feel comfortable to confide in me or share things about themselves with me, which they normally don’t even with their closed ones.

So today, to feel that sorrow again when I met him for business, affects me a bit. Made me rethink a lot of things that’s got to do with myself.

Made me think about how much more worn out he is yet there he is still hustling and here I am struggling to be energetic after a week of work. It’s an ugly truth but I should face it nonetheless: I get very self-absorbed when I’m tired. Moral of the story: Other people get tired too and their fatigue can actually be greater than mine. Be more considerate, Nurul Huda.

I feel very guilty and sorry for not pulling my weight more in the partnership. I’ll have to practice mindfulness in order to circumvent similar situations from happening again.

Another reason why I would need to step up more than ever in the partnership is to contribute in a personal way, my way of showing emotional support as a friend. I know this is a very sensitive period for him. Usually, I’m very carefree in my interactions with those of the opposite gender but I’ve been restricting myself from interacting freely with him. Why? Because people are dumb asses. There is a tendency for them to make assumptions, especially those from the negative camp. I think it’s wise to avoid generating fodder for the rumour mill. Girls, please take note; Yes, there is nothing between yourselves and your guy friend but think of the people around your guy friend. Be mindful of their situations and carry yourselves appropriately. I have seen some girls going around asserting their right to be friendly. Yes, it is your right but isn’t it also right to spare everyone including yourself the trouble by being proper in your interactions?

That’s just my two cents though.

So yeah, as much as I’d like to be all “Bruh, I’m here for you anytime” kinda thing, I can’t be that kind of friend. But that doesn’t mean I can’t be a friend, right? There are many ways to be a good friend so working harder on the business, I feel, is a good way of showing brotherly support.

*fist bump*

Also, we are all too familiar with how student-looking I am so people may not feel the ‘engaged woman’ vibe from me. HAHAHAHA. So see, all the more I need to be careful in the way I carry myself.

I hope nobody at work has a crush on me. HAHAHAHA EH DON’T LAUGH, PLEASE! When le fiancé and I worked together for the warehouse sale part-time gig, a Bangladeshi worker had a crush on me, which I totally did not realise until le fiancé pointed it out to me HAHAHAHAHA! He even dropped his chicken while offering me food during lunch break and got laughed at by his friends. Poor chap. He was still sweet to me on the second day though. HAHAHAHA.

I miss working with Beedin. Hehehehe. Maybe one day, the both of us can work together again. Not necessarily job-wise but things like music collaborations, which we did successfully last year or making things like for our engagement gifts. Basically projects and stuff.

But of course, it will be nice to see him around at the workplace but he doesn’t fancy working at my workplace hahahaha.

Anybody wanna join me? Hahaha! I wouldn’t recommend it per se but I’m just saying it would be nice to see a familiar face around. Hehehe.

I hope everyone is in a better situation than myself and my friend. I’m not exactly in the worst situation but I’m struggling. I do not wish for anyone to go through what I went through.

But do not be mistaken. The both of us may be in turbulence in or own situations but we are at peace with ourselves.

And that’s a kind of happiness that people frequently long for but rarely find.

Be grateful, my friends.

Keep calm and support Street MOB Clothing. HAHAHAHAHA.

Eh, t-shirt idea sia. I should suggest that to him!

And Allah is Al-Halim, the Forbearing, the Indulgent. – MM

I Ramble: 27 July 2017

In the name of Allah, the All-Compassionate, the All-Merciful.

I know I mentioned I was supposed to rest at home today but my shift was swapped. So I’m working today from 7.30am to 6pm and I will get my rest day tomorrow instead.

I told le fiance that it has begun…the last-minute change of working day/hours and all negative connotations attached to them.

I have heard a lot of talk around me and I could now see why many of them are unhappy.

But for now, I shall play nice.

Anyway, I’m typing this in the MRT on the way to work. A bit upset with the fact that I had to keep standing in the MRT from Tampines to City Hall and if I’m to be unlucky some more,from City Hall to Somerset but I usually don’t complain much about that short ride.

I realise now why I’m more knackered than I thought I would be. Having to travel 1 and a half hours to work and then another 1 and a half hours back tires me out more. The work hours thus far are not too bad if you think about it. It is pretty much extended for an additional hour to your usual 8-hour work. It just seems longer in numbers due to the one and a half an hour break.

So right now, I need to let my body fully assimilate to the back and forth train journey.

I know I could always get up earlier and leave the house earlier to take a train to Pasir Ris to ensure I get to sit down all the way to City Hall but I much rather use the time to sleep peacefully on the bed than nodding off on the train. Hahahaha!

Anyway, I’ve reached City Hall interchange and am on the train to Somerset. Pretty empty train hahaha.

I’m hungry. Had a hard time getting out of bed so I didn’t have time for breakfast. Will squeeze a bite in when I reach since I will arrive at the workplace half an hour earlier. HAHAHAHA.

I know, it’s weird, Nurul Huda is early for work. By half an hour some more. 😱

And Allah is Al-Khabir, the All-Aware. – MM

I Ramble: 23-25 July 2017

In the name of Allah, the All-Compassionate, the All-Merciful.

23/7:

Happy birthday to le fiance! Yay! But too bad, no celebrations due to lack of budget HAHAHA.

And also I’m working again tomorrow morning. Yoink.

24/7:

Oops. I couldn’t finish blogging yesterday. Anyway, today is alright.

25/7:

And once again I didn’t get to wrap up my blogging hahaha! I think I really can’t finish a post during my work break. :p

Work has been okay actually. I have a lot to share but I don’t have the energy to do so. I guess I didn’t realise how tiring it is until I realised that my whole body became swollen. My feet puffed up until my shoes feel like they were too tight that I was slightly limping on my way home yesterday. Even my right fingers became visibly swollen. So I’m just aching all over. I didn’t work today so thankfully I could have a bit of rest. Furthermore, after working tomorrow, I get to rest again on Thursday. But yeah, I don’t actually feel the fatigue of working until working hours have ended. Maybe because I was so focused on the tasks at hand that it took my mind off the needs of my body, even pains. I didn’t realise I cut my finger either until this morning when I woke up. I suspect it was due to my improper usage of scissors when cutting up the seals on boxes.

Something interesting happened to me yesterday. I was asked to take out the trash. The building janitor asked me whether I have finished school. I said yes, I have even graduated from university. He looked at me with such bewilderment and asked loudly with disbelief along the lines of what the hell am I doing taking out the trash when I am a university graduate. He insisted on me getting another job, a better job. I told him candidly that I tried but I failed to secure such a job. He got annoyed and said I should try and try again. I just smiled and said no more.

Well, people. This is the reality of it. You know how candidates from opposition party expressed the fact that university graduates couldn’t get jobs? It is all true my friend. Especially if you are a Malay. More so if you wear a scarf. And even more so when your degree was not awarded by local institutions.

Not my fault that the government chose to waste a lot of our young local talents. I can mope about it but I’m game for settling for a decent job, even if that means taking out a metal cageful of trash, which just consist of plastics and papers used to package the items.

And remember, our leaders accused us of being picky of our jobs. So this is me not being picky. But certainly, it reflects so badly on our leaders, doesn’t it? I will just leave it at that.

But, Baeda, if you are not picky about your job, why did you leave your previous employment then?

Well, someone leaves a workplace for many reasons.

I must say, I have compared my current job with my former job. Sure, I didn’t get away from janitorial work. I’m working longer hours for much much much lesser pay. I still have to address difficult people. So why am I happier with working at this new job?

Well, my previous workplace was small but people could hide behind other people. They get by without having to make an effort while the people who are working hard kept receiving more workload simply because they can be relied upon. However, at my new workplace, which is way bigger, nobody can hide. Everyone is exposed and expected to put in a good shift. Every single action a person takes affect everyone else. Everyone has to find out about everything and know everything.

Ironic, isn’t it?

Maybe, I would have hated this job if I was hired five years ago when I was still stupidly naive and young and would welcome childcare eagerly. We don’t really know, right? I might just share the same sentiment as that blogger I mentioned before.

But right now, the new environment is a most welcomed change. I foresee the job becoming increasingly tedious in the future and I will remain realistic about that.

However, I actually feel happier now because I know everyone is working as hard as me, if not harder.

I hope everyone will find a suitable working environment for themselves. Be happy.

And Allah is Al-Latif, the Subtly Kind. – MM

I Ramble: 22 July 2017

In the name of Allah, the All-Compassionate, the All-Merciful.

220717; My first day of working at Uniqlo.

I survived.

Oh, my God.

Hahahaha! Well, yes, I’m feeling the fatigue now, no joke, especially so when my menses arrived at the end of the day! Earlier than expected! Hahaha! That was the extent of the physical stress that the work inflicted on my body today.

But actually, okay ah. Even when I was assigned to mop the floor of the second level, it wasn’t bad. It was a dry mop and there was no fuss in doing it so I wasn’t fettered. Plus, it wasn’t like the store was filthy or littered. And it helps a lot that there was neither urine nor faeces unlike toilets, right? Hahahaha! In that department, I’m not too discouraged.

I guess the only issues I have were 1) I am totally clueless and once again I find myself being thrown into the sea to sink or swim but I’m fine with that because been there done that and 2) having to remember a whole hell lotta things first thing in the morning when I am so damn clueless to begin with because I can’t have my orientation until two newbies arrive next week. Toinkssss.

Come on, we all know how bad my memory is! Hahaha! So I felt completely overwhelmed in the morning. Right now, I’m not even sure if I can remember the morning routine. This is going to take me a while. I feel deeply apologetic to everyone there for my utmost blur-ness and endless questions. I’m sorry but they will have to put up with me for quite a bit! Hahahaha! The people are alright, so far nobody shouted at me. I think when someone eventually does so because you know, I’m slow in movement and remembering, I won’t be having an issue with it. There are good days and bad days and shitty days. The bad days and shitty days will definitely come but remember, if you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

Plus, I’ll just take it as a challenge. I realise this job involves A LOT OF THINGS THAT BAEDA DOES NOT COMFORTABLE WITH! HAHAHA! Like doing things fast and remembering a lot of things, etc, etc. But hey, we can’t all remain stuck and stubborn. Step out of your comfort zones, my friends.

Once again, I find myself being in the company of young people. Haha! They keep thinking I am a student! There was this guy who asked me, “Which school are you from?” I just replied University of Newcastle. HAHAHA! Yes, my friends, I didn’t bother revealing that I was working previously for five years, except to a group of nice girls who asked me during lunch. Oh wells. Le fiance has always said I looked like a student because I keep dressing like one. Hehehe. I’m just going to enjoy being mysterious for a bit.

And d’oh! During my introduction, I said my hobby was blogging.

WHY, GOD, OH, WHY? HAHAHA!

Now I would really have to be careful when talking about work. But then again, I’ve always done my best to try and not be too expressive online. It’s a struggle, I must admit.

And wow, I managed to chalk up a lengthy post today despite feeling knackered but nope, not gonna do anything else muahahaha!

So to compare my 1st day experience with the previously mentioned blogger’s experience:

Blogger: The first day of work was half spent on classroom training and the other half on the floor learning the initial ropes.

Me: The first day of work was entirely spent being clueless without orientation but with some guidance from people around me and learning some stuff from working in the stockroom. Hahahaha!

Okay, right now I’m feeling the full brunt of the day plus first day of menses. Ouchie, ouchie, ouchie.

I’m going to retire for the day now.

And Allah is Al-‘Adl, the Utterly Just. – MM