I Relate: 30 August 2017

That’s how le fiance looks at me all the time. ❤

Advertisements

I Ramble: 29 August 2017

In the name of Allah, the All-Compassionate, the All-Merciful.

Only one person saw that titleless post as a suicidal thought.

When I read it again, it looks very sad. I actually posted that thought on my FaceBook but I kept it privy to my eyes only. It just looks sadder. Whoever gets to take control of my FaceBook when I pass away, should just delete the account without going through all my posts. Save ye self.

No, it goes beyond superficial problems if that is what you’re thinking. It’s like having a cancerous cell that’s dormant. When it becomes malignant, the cancer gets active. When it is benign, it is inactive.

That is how I feel my so called depression is like: (I’m calling it ‘so called’ because remember, I am not formally diagnosed. It doesn’t feel fair nor right when there are people out there who are actually diagnosed with it.)

For me, it lies dormant until my body decides to activate it. It is kind of like having a cloud of darkness in the attic and when it is released, it creeps into every corner of your house and completely takes over it. And then you will have to try your best to chase it back to the attic at least, if you can’t shoo it away from your house. And it is a huge struggle trying to fight it off because it is not a physical entity. You can’t see it but you can feel it. And sometimes, the more you struggle with it, the more you lose yourself in its grip. It’s that futile attempt to overcome it only to end up being overpowered by it instead. And then you start to feel like letting go and giving in is easier than to struggle.

I really don’t like it. For as long as I could remember since I was a preschooler, I have been trying to deal with it. However, it has always been passed off as me being temperamental or sensitive.

I don’t know eh, if it is depression or bipolarism. One day I can feel so high that I can hear heaven (hehehe) and another day I can be so down in the dumps.

But I have always told myself firmly, those are just popular excuses for people to get away with their actions. I have always pride myself in taking responsibility for whatever shit that happens to me. Just suck it up, buttercup.

Just that it gets exhausting when your personal relationships are badly affected and when it affects your daily life. Like, I actually feel happy and my exterior shows I am happy but at the same time, I feel miserable somewhere inside and I just want to cry.

It’s just so weird to exist in dual planes of emotions. And exhausting.

Right now, I’m reeling from the aftermath of that spell. I’m trying to open up more cracks for the light outside to permeate into my house of darkness to shoo it away.

That “light” would be encouragement from people around me, their nice gestures, their laughter, their happiness and appreciation towards me, and my memories. My memories of le fiancé are really the bulk of my saving grace when I managed to get moments of recollection.

Like precious seconds for actions you need to take that determine life and death.

Memories like waiting for him at the playground of my old workplace and smiling at him as he approaches me. He told me before it was one of his favourite images of me. It is a special memory because at that time we were not a couple yet but were close to being one.

So yeah. 🙂

And Allah is Ar-Rahim, the All-Merciful. May He have mercy on my condemned soul. – MM

I Recommend: 28 August 2017

Because Beedin would like to take me on a cruise for our honeymoon. What better jam to groove to than this? Hahaha! Also, a lot of people are unaware of the meaning of the song. Here is a translated version. Hehehe. Yup, severely inappropriate for minors. Ohohoho~

Yes, you know that I’ve been looking @ you for a while
I have to dance with you today (DY)
I saw, that your look was calling me
Show me the way that I’m going oh
You you are the magnet and I’m the metal
I’m getting closer and I’m setting up the plan
Just the thought of It accelerates the pulse
now I’m enjoying it more than usual
All my senses are asking for more
This must be taken without any trouble
Slowly
I want to breathe your neck slowly
Let me tell you things in your ears
So that you remember when you’re not with me
Slowly
I want to undress you with kisses slowly
Sign the walls of your labrynth
And make your whole body a manuscript
Turn it up turn it up….. turn it up, turn it up
I wanna see you dance
I wanna be your rhythm
I want you to show me
Your favourite places places places Places
Let me surpass your danger zones
To make you scream
And forget your name
DY
If I ask you for a kiss , come give It to me
I know that you’re thinking about it
I’ve been trying for some time
Mommy this is giving and giving it
You know that your heart with me makes you bom bom
You know that this baby is looking for my bom bom
Come test my mouth to see what It taste like to you
I want to see how much love do you have
I’m not in a hurry , I want to do the trip
Let’s start slowly then wildly
Step by step, soft softly
We are going to get caught little by little
When you kiss me so skillfully
I think that you’re malicious delicately
Step by step, soft softly
We’re going to get caught, little by little
And it’s just that this beauty is a puzzle
But to put it together here I have the pieces
Slowly
I wanna breathe your neck slowly
Let me whisper things into your ear
So that you remember if you’re not with me
Slowly
I wanna undress you with kisses slowly
Sign the walls of your laberinth
And make your whole body a manuscript
Turn it up
I wanna see you dance
I wanna be your rhythm
I want you to show me
Your favourite places
Let me surpass your danger zones
Till I make you scream
And forget your name
Slowly
We will do It on the beach in Puerto Rico
Till the waves scream dear lord
So that my seal stays with you
Step by step, soft softly
We’re going to get caught little by little
I want you to show me
Your favourite places places places Places
Step by step, soft softly
We’re going to get caught little by little
To make you scream (Fonsi)
And forget your name (DY)
Slowly

I Ramble: 26 August 2017

In the name of Allah, the All-Compassionate, the All-Merciful.

It has been a huge struggle trying to come to terms with reality.

I think all these while I have not accepted wholly my fate.

I have been crying for the past three hours and still am.

Maybe I’ll stop once I have fully embraced my life.

I am shouldering the financial burdens for myself, for him, and for my family.

That’s it. That’s all there is to it.

I truly regretted not working part-time today for $50 cash. I could have used the cash and I could have saved myself from the massive heartache right now.

Do you know why I accepted retail work with long hours?

Because it is my way of running away from reality. From the pressures of time. Time just passes by when I’m working. From the pressures of home. Nobody will have an issue about me being unemployed.

All I wanted to do today was to rest my weary body and soul.

But not everyone could respect that.

And almost unfairly, it led to me being disrespectful when I swear, I tried my best not to be.

But my efforts were futile.

But all were said and done. I can only get on with things.

I think now, I’ll just work on my off days just to get away from everything and to help my finances.

My family never has to know how much I looked forward to the birthday celebration all day…but my mood just spoilt everything…because my mood was spoilt by something ai did not know how to manage. And now my family hates me for not being appreciative.

And now I absolutely hate myself for that.

And hence, why I just want to make myself scarce in their lives.

I think, it’s better I stay away from them. They’ll be happier without me.

So note to self, just accept any good work that comes my way on my off days.

And Allah is Al-Haqq, the Truth, the Real. – MM

I Ramble: 24 August 2017

In the name of Allah, the All-Compassionate, the All-Merciful.

So! I haven’t been following my daily schedule and I haven’t been doing the stuff I was supposed to do. *smacks forehead*

But! I have learnt the importance of not having a self-defeatist attitude. So just carry on with the plan, even if you didn’t carry it out as planned.

Basically today is supposed to be reading day but in my haste to pack for chalet at the Changi Civil Service Club, I forgot to bring a book with me. Hence, I’m blogging on the train now on the way to work. I’m working from 12.30pm to 11pm today. Will have to try to catch the last bus to Changi Village Terrace from Tampines Interchange, which leaves at 0015 hours. If not, I will have to cab from Pasir Ris, which will be costly.

Yesterday was Rubber Bandits day but I ended up doing more SMC stuff. So yeah, I didn’t get to follow my schedule but at least I got a few things done here and there such as the proposal to our supplier and even standardised the product codes with the guys.

Anyway, since I couldn’t read a book, I will get on with reading up on UNIQLO’s HEATTECH products. I need to be tested on it anyway.

That’s all from me. Just spending my last day as a 27-year-old, which has been quite a ride. 27 is the age when I finally got a boyfriend, found my forever, and basically went through a few huge transitions, including being a boss of a clothing company. Alhamdulillah for all that is good and astaghfirullah for all that is bad.

I’m going to nap in the train now. Getting old! Hahaha! Have a good day, everyone!

And Allah is Ar-Rahman, the All-Compassionate. – MM

I Ramble: 20 August 2017

In the name of Allah, the All-Compassionate, the All-Merciful.

I am working at 7.30am today but it is 1.54am right now and I am so wide awake. I am going to get in trouble at this sleepless rate!

I think I got too pumped for life and now I’m overly energised when I should be resting for work later.

Gyabon.

Anyway, since I am up but refusing to leave my bed, I am going to make lists. Ha!

Things I have to do:

1. SMC proposal to our supplier. Was supposed to get this done yesterday but I was simply too out of it. Yikes.

2. Khairi’s preloved stall coordination. Was suppose to have this sorted out yesterday as well with help from le fiance but he was too busy and I was too weak. Yikes.

3. SMC meeting minutes for previous meeting last last Saturday morning, 12/8. Definitely overdue. Yikes.

4. Memorise Heattech product knowledge for promotion at work. Was supposed to have memorised it by the first week of August! But now is the second last of August liao. Yikes.

5. Volunteer for 6-3-6 at work for promotion. Was supposed to have done this in the second week! Yikes.

6. Memorise Fast Retailing Group Mission for promotion at work. Was supposed to have done this last week too! Yikes.

7. Have F/W Coordination Knowledge for promotion at work. Haiyo, this one also supposed to be done by last week!

8. Stockroom Management and Stocktake…I have no idea what this is about but I need to get those done by this week so I will need to find out soon at work.

9. Review the things I need to achieve in order to get confirmation at work.

Who knew working for Uniqlo Orchard Central can be extremely demanding eh?

Now do you know why I am always so exhausted from working besides the physical nature of the job? Hahaha!

Good game.

Okay, now I feel sleepy already.

Okay, now I feel super hungry and sleepy.

Gyabon.

Some orders of business:

I know tht I would like to set aside my Fridays as SMC business days. Although I may not be able to attend meetings or run errands on all Fridays due to work, I’ll be putting in more effort into the business on that designated day, be it online promotion, recruitment, or designing? I think it is about time I try my hand at it. If I can’t use Photoshop, I can always sketch out my ideas and let either Danial or le fiance translate the idea into psd for printing. So no excuses there.

I would also like to dedicate my Sundays for my religion. Be it reading the Quran or Islamic books or watching lecture videos. It’s like going to church on Sundays, isn’t it? Hahaha! There’s also the Sunday madrasah concept to relate to, you know. Hahaha!

I would like to designate Mondays for Metropolitan Muslimah. Easy to remember. MMM.

Tuesdays would be for Dry Magnum, the cover band I’m singing for. The guys have been wanting to jam but due to the financial situation of le fiance and I, we have been putting it off but I think I should start practising already. They want to play new songs I do not know of too.

Wednesday is for my own band with le fiance, Rubber Bandits. We don’t the financial luxury but we still have our talent to put to good use. In fact, when I sang to le fiance the most recent song I wrote (I forgot the title already lol), he straightaway got the melody down with his electric guitar and shared the recording with me. So we both could definitely do something for our humble band.

Thursdays will be Reading Day until I have finished reading 28 books as challenged.

Saturdays will be lepak days. A girl needs her rest and not think or do anything. Even if she has to work, she will take it easy.

Sunday: Islamic Studies

Monday: Metropolitan Muslimah

Tuesday: Dry Magnum

Wednesday: Rubber Bandits

Thursday: Reading Day

Friday: SMC

Saturday: Super Santai Day (Santai in Malay means relax)

It’s 2.34am now. Shit. Hahahaha!

And Allah is Al-Muqit, the Nourisher. – MM