Metropolitan Muslimah

Sometimes I want to give up.

Sometimes I wish I am not me.

Sometimes I feel backed into a corner with no way out.

Sometimes I struggle a lot with all these negative feelings.

It gets overwhelming. It gets painful. It gets tiresome.

The urge to just run away and restart still lingers.

However, I have learned to be practical.

Even as I give up, nothing changes. Nothing good comes to this world.

Even as I become a completely different person, my situation remains the same.

Even as I try to carve my way into a new world order, I still find my core unshaken and my principles unyielding.

Even as I try to tell my feelings to others, there is either no time to unpack them or no active listening.

I feel like I am fighting a losing battle but I still fight nonetheless because it is the only way I know how to live at this point.

Should I even leave this country and rebuild a new life, whatever is bothering me will still follow me and I will only feel more alone than ever.

In the battle for my self-preservation, unfortunately, I keep hurting myself by the knowledge of having been hurt and the knowledge of hurting others. It is a fight I cannot win but necessary.

Will I be alright after this? What will become of me when the judgment finally passes upon us?

I think what I really want is a lot of comfort and not having to be the strong one anymore.

Because each night I taste the purest of pain.

Happy Holidays.

And Allah is Ar-Rasheed, The Guide. – MM