Metropolitan Muslimah

Bismillah.

Right now, my soul is vibing to La Di Die by Nessa Barrett. It’s an old song but for some reason, I resonate with the song’s sentiment very strongly for quite some time now.

One of the lines that really stood out to me is “I’ll be dead at 27, only nine more years to go.”

Coincidentally, I’m 36 this year and that’s like 9 more years to 47. When I’m forced into this perspective, to put a deadline on my life, it really changes everything in terms of the way I see things. It makes me feel even more pressured into doing everything I want to do before my duration of 9 years is up. It makes me question myself as a person. It makes me think of my sadness, a lot. It makes me think about my relationships, especially my failed one with God. So yeah, that will be my theme for the rest of this year.

Honestly, I don’t want to be sad all of the time, but I haven’t found a way to let it all go yet because I find that the sadness is just increasing with time. And I’m not coping very well with it because I’m simply not letting it out.

But I think I managed to force myself to let out one piece of sadness, which may have some complications attached to it. Kept thinking if I should delete it but maybe it needs to be said for my own sake. Because right now, I don’t have someone in my corner, so I have to be the one to acknowledge and validate my feelings even if it sounds whack to anyone who reads it.

Because I have not been making myself heard for the longest time, and I have not heard myself for the longest time.

I guess blogging has been such a good step forward for me, especially in reclaiming parts of myself that I’ve lost over the years.

Another step I took is I actually signed up for a vocal lesson. Finally! I have been wanting to get lessons for so long! Some time back, when I tried to get the gang back together and tried to sing, I couldn’t. I just couldn’t. My mouth was open, but nothing came out. No matter how I tried, I just couldn’t. That’s when I realised that my divorce and that period of my life, perhaps have traumatised me more than I am aware of. In fact, I never saw myself as traumatised but lately, I have been getting feedback about my reactions to things that simply suggest I am. And when I reflect on that feedback and the situations that have unfolded, I just believe it even more to be so.

It actually took me more than a year before I wanted to hear myself sing. Another realisation I just came to.

And Allah is Al-Quddus, The Most Sacred. – MM