Metropolitan Muslimah

Bismillah.

So I finally had my first ever singing lesson! Hooray! It really brought me a lot of happiness and I am so glad I took the brave step. Well done, Nurul Huda! Wiwiwi! I was a bag of nerves but I am super proud of myself for overcoming all my anxiety. I mean, yo, it is not easy for me to step into a stranger’s home and sing my heart out. My teacher said I have a lovely sweet voice and that I could hit a high C. Whee~

It was really crazy to hear myself sing out loud and freely as well. I was not perfect AT ALL but in those rare moments that I did well, my mind was blown. Like, OMG, was that really me?

My teacher recommended me to sing Listen by Beyonce since I could actually sing high. She said the covers online were more watered down, but she felt that the song can help me grow vocally. I listened to some covers and yo, I do NOT think those were watered down. But that could be because I am not musically trained so perhaps that is why I could not really nitpick. I told her Halo is something I am more familiar with and she was like, “Nah, Halo is easy”.

WHUT?! HAHAHAHA. OKAY.

So here I am having to find a date to work on my vocals with her again. I need to ensure I have enough time to learn the song.

Truthfully, I am not extremely comfortable with the song and I expressed part of the reasons with her. What I did not tell her though is that I am also uncomfortable with Beyonce songs after the whole Diddy thing blew up and now it is hard to not believe that she has had affiliation with the alleged, let me put it nicely, cultish group.

But music is music and after reading the lyrics, I realised why my teacher shared the song with me. It actually expresses sentiments I have been feeling even at this moment and I think she picked up on me stifling my voice, metaphorically at first but translated technically in the way I sang. She pretty much told me what my ex told me, that I kept holding back when I sing instead of really allowing my voice to travel and resonate.

I think this is the therapy I need. It feels freeing. I could finally be myself somewhat.

But as a Muslim, I still feel deeply that the Quran is still the best source of therapy.

Honestly, I don’t feel comfortable scheduling myself singing lessons and not having any time for Quran.

So I am going to commit at least 30 minutes of Quran everyday and after that reward myself with 30 minutes of singing. I may not be able to sing everytime because who the hell sings at midnight? But I should be getting in that Quran time anytime everyday.

Also to motivate myself to work a little bit harder, I am going have focus times of 30 minutes. Understandably, I should not have to touch work at all during my off days but as a manager, there are just some priorities that I cannot overlook. After that, I can reward myself with 30 minutes of World of Warcraft game time. Whee~

Good plans.

You know how people keep saying that you must love yourself before you love others? Honestly, that is not a very good advice. From when someone told me about it to now, I still do not resonate with it. I believe such sayings is how you birth narcissism. Instead, a better advice is that you should be taking care of yourself as it is a responsibility (amanah) emphasised by God. Because how else can you then be the best of mankind if you do not take care of yourself? And the best amongst all of mankind is the one who is of benefit to others.

I think a lot of people missed out on this memo whenever they ask me why I work so hard.

It was my suicide plan.

I am turning 36, I am divorced, I am childless, I am lover-less, I still feel dispossessed from my home because my ex was my home, I am not working a job that I studied for, and the person who supposedly cares for me kept trampling on my self-esteem and is just not there for me…what is there left for me?

But after some spiralling… and finally falling sick enough to warrant a medical leave today… and realising that I will never be worthy enough for some people so why do I need to care so much about them…

I guess my suicide plan has turned into a life plan.

Like the quote I pulled from the Quran and placed on my blog picture, “Do not do a favour expecting more in return. And persevere for the sake of your Lord.” (Al-Muddaththir 74:6-7)

Just be of benefit to others and endure the hardships of this life for His sake.

And Allah is Al-Mu’min, The Infuser of Faith. – MM