I Write: Sitting (Original Lyrical Idea)

Squalid

Are these streets I roam at

Pallid

Are these faces I stare at

Invalid

Are these statements I get thrown at

Rallied

Are these people who get bombed at

So I sit here

As I sit here

Made to awaken

By the hatred

I cannot resolve it while I’m sitting

So I sit here

As I sit here

Left to wonder

Who has the power

I cannot solve it while I’m sitting

Valid

Are these memories

Candid

Are these pictures

Rancid

Are these tastes of agony

Avid

Are these fights for something small

So I sit here

As I sit here

Made to awaken

By the hatred

I cannot resolve it while I’m sitting

So I sit here

As I sit here

Left to wonder

Who has the power

I cannot solve it while I’m sitting

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I Ramble: 3 September 2017

In the name of Allah, the All-Compassionate, the All-Merciful.

SOOOOOOOOOOOOO….

I finally got done with a burden that has been hovering over me for the past few months. Yay!

However, that meant I’m left with only a $100 to spare. Gyabon.

So now, with my end of September pay, I will start settling my debts.

I decided to start with the nominal amounts first and then work my way up to settle more!

I owe my friend, K, $50.
I owe my friend, N, $100.
I owe IRAS for my income tax $208.13 due 6/10/17 after my request for an extension.
I owe my brother, Hakim, $250 in phone bills as at 3/9/17.
I owe my mum, Umi, $600 as at 3/9/17.
I owe Lagun Sari $3955 as at 2/9/17. Next payment of $1977.50 is due in February 2018. I need to set aside money for this starting from December 2017 latest.
I owe my education benefactor, W, $4300 as at 23/4/17.
I owe HDB $ 107,382.03 as at 30/8/17.

I still need money for wedding solemnisation and photography + videography package. Also SMC stuff.

Not to forget my Starhub bill for the home internet at $49.90 per month.

And Allah is Al-Hafiz, the Preserver, the Protector. – MM

I Interview: 17 Questions with Huda

Inspired by Seventeen magazine.

1. Favourite book?

Homecoming by Cynthia Voigt.

2. Best Quote?

3. Snack craving?

Kinder Bueno chocolate.

4. Karaoke jam?

Rolling in the Deep by Adele.

5. Musical inspo?

Amy Lee.

6. Dream vacay?

Paris.

7. Fave ice-cream flavour?

Chocolate.

8. Must-see movie?

Legally Blonde.

9. Netflix Binge?

Inside West Coast Customs.

10. Accessory of choice?

Watch.

11. Best beverage?

Café Mocha from The Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf.

12. A+ app?

WhatsApp.

13. Shopping stop?

Topshop.

14. Beauty-product pick?

Black eyeliner.

15. Current phone case?

Transparent case.

16. Best of broadway?

Monster Rock at Universal Studios Singapore.

17. Most used emoji?

The drooling face!

I Quote: Marianne Deborah Williamson, 1992

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. It’s not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

I Ramble: 29 August 2017

In the name of Allah, the All-Compassionate, the All-Merciful.

Only one person saw that titleless post as a suicidal thought.

When I read it again, it looks very sad. I actually posted that thought on my FaceBook but I kept it privy to my eyes only. It just looks sadder. Whoever gets to take control of my FaceBook when I pass away, should just delete the account without going through all my posts. Save ye self.

No, it goes beyond superficial problems if that is what you’re thinking. It’s like having a cancerous cell that’s dormant. When it becomes malignant, the cancer gets active. When it is benign, it is inactive.

That is how I feel my so called depression is like: (I’m calling it ‘so called’ because remember, I am not formally diagnosed. It doesn’t feel fair nor right when there are people out there who are actually diagnosed with it.)

For me, it lies dormant until my body decides to activate it. It is kind of like having a cloud of darkness in the attic and when it is released, it creeps into every corner of your house and completely takes over it. And then you will have to try your best to chase it back to the attic at least, if you can’t shoo it away from your house. And it is a huge struggle trying to fight it off because it is not a physical entity. You can’t see it but you can feel it. And sometimes, the more you struggle with it, the more you lose yourself in its grip. It’s that futile attempt to overcome it only to end up being overpowered by it instead. And then you start to feel like letting go and giving in is easier than to struggle.

I really don’t like it. For as long as I could remember since I was a preschooler, I have been trying to deal with it. However, it has always been passed off as me being temperamental or sensitive.

I don’t know eh, if it is depression or bipolarism. One day I can feel so high that I can hear heaven (hehehe) and another day I can be so down in the dumps.

But I have always told myself firmly, those are just popular excuses for people to get away with their actions. I have always pride myself in taking responsibility for whatever shit that happens to me. Just suck it up, buttercup.

Just that it gets exhausting when your personal relationships are badly affected and when it affects your daily life. Like, I actually feel happy and my exterior shows I am happy but at the same time, I feel miserable somewhere inside and I just want to cry.

It’s just so weird to exist in dual planes of emotions. And exhausting.

Right now, I’m reeling from the aftermath of that spell. I’m trying to open up more cracks for the light outside to permeate into my house of darkness to shoo it away.

That “light” would be encouragement from people around me, their nice gestures, their laughter, their happiness and appreciation towards me, and my memories. My memories of le fiancé are really the bulk of my saving grace when I managed to get moments of recollection.

Like precious seconds for actions you need to take that determine life and death.

Memories like waiting for him at the playground of my old workplace and smiling at him as he approaches me. He told me before it was one of his favourite images of me. It is a special memory because at that time we were not a couple yet but were close to being one.

So yeah. 🙂

And Allah is Ar-Rahim, the All-Merciful. May He have mercy on my condemned soul. – MM