In the name of Allah, the Beneficent, the Merciful.
Serendipitously discovered a very nice song I could relate to called ‘Drive’ on smule through a user I followed. I decided to join his recording of “Drive” on #Smule: http://www.smule.com/p/642004236_440115041 #SingKaraoke
I hope you all enjoy it. &:)
And Allah is Knower of all things. – MM
In the name of Allah, the Beneficent, the Merciful.
I woke up feeling a whole lot better this morning. Sleeping on things help sometimes. Panic level is brought down a notch. Still feeling the urgency but calmly dismissing negative thoughts.
When I went to the kitchen sink to wash my hands, I realised that the dishes were left unwashed. Usually after breaking fast, I would wash them but last night I didn’t as I was really anxious to find out more about the GRE and to get a measure of the commitment level it requires from me. So looking at those unwashed dishes reminded me that I would definitely have to compromise a lot of things in merely applying for PhD. You see, even if I give my 500% to this application, the institution may not want me in the end. Am I prepared to receive the bitter outcome mentally, knowing that my efforts were at a certain cost?
Yes. I am prepared. In fact I reminded myself I should put in effort to maintain my usual good habits while pursuing a passion. Let that be the last time I neglect my duties.
That was one lesson learnt this morning.
Another lesson learnt was when I asked my mum if she would like to have a pan washed as I noticed there was substantial oil in it. I knew it was used to fry eggs for the pre-dawn meal but I was not sure if she wanted to re-use the oil. I mean, I am no cook and I don’t help out with the cooking so I am very blur when it comes to such things. I was expecting a direct yes or no. Instead, her face lit up and said, “Why, Dada? Dada nak tolong cuci? Syukur, rajinnya anak aku”. I must admit I was not only amused but my heart was warmed as well. Then a moment later I felt spooked. A’s words rang in my head, about how my parents would feel when I finally learnt how to cook.
Spooky wooky, seriously.
So, okay, A. I shall accept your challenge to cook fried potato slices with sambal tumis ikan bilis with a little bit of bee hoon as my 2016 Cooking Challenge. Muahahaha! The ‘Challenges’ tab above has been duly updated.
The final lesson learnt is related to my current position at the sea of life. Friends shared this video on FaceBook about a former CIA who gave insight into the varying perceptions shared between counter-terrorists and terrorists, which in the end, turned out not to be so different after all but based on similar interests and hopes. It reminded me of my Honours research…. The passion I felt for the subject… I could have chosen to research on my plethora of interests such as gaming, music, movies, or animations, and so on. However, I decided to work on quite a serious matter instead of a recreational one like the above.
I realised that although I am now involved in Early Childhood, I am still quite rooted to Communication and Islam. I have indeed been looking at things all wrong as I have suspected in my previous post. I do not actually have to worry about which area I should research on and that no matter what I choose to investigate, I am not going to lose my touch in my previous studies. I do not have anything to fear or worry about. I also do not have to be so gan chiong and try to force Communication, Islam, and Early Childhood together.
So yeah, Alhamdulillah. All my concerns and worries that made me panicked were addressed all at once within a short period of time and in one morning.
And He is most definitely the one and only Knower of all things. – MM
In the name of Allah, the Beneficent, the Merciful.
Panic. I feel panicked. That is all I am feeling right now. My mind is in a horrible mess of a frenzy. NIE requires me to submit my Graduate Record Examination (GRE) on top of my research proposal.
Oh, my God. I just want to have an epic meltdown already.
Yup, now I remember why I stayed away from school for so long after completing my latest educational stint… and I also remember the — excuse my language — mindfuck that comes with being a research student.
My mind is simply screaming right now. I only have until 1 August to complete my application. Why the rush? I found out that next year may be the final year for part-time programmes… after which, they would only be providing full-time programmes.
I can’t afford that! I need to work while studying! Oh, Allah, this is so insane…
The only reason I have to sit for a GRE is because I graduate from a foreign institution… seriously. I mean, the purpose of the GRE is to give the prospective school an idea of my verbal and quantitative knowledge as well as my analytical skills, yes, sure, I get that… but wouldn’t all that already be evident in my Honours thesis? Only God knows how much my brain hurts completing that very complex three-pronged and three-method research. My research project was quite an ambitious undertaking for an Honours thesis. I don’t know why I was crazy enough to do that.
And now am I crazy enough to hurt my brain again in an epic rush to complete two heavy tasks? People take months to prepare for the GRE… and I only have weeks if I were to submit my application on time.
And I have yet to think out my research proposal.
Ya Allah.
Well, if I do carry on with my application, I can tell you that this is a make-or-break thing — either I am meant for it or not. Straight up to my face some more. Like, Nurul Huda, this is the ultimate test that shows whether you got it or you simply don’t. Very Kamikaze.
I feel like a sailor out at sea. Wherever I turn, all I see is the vastness of the horizon. Just the ocean here. Just the ocean there. No island. No animal. Not even a boulder or an iceberg. I am holding the wheel with one hand and in my other hand, I am holding a broken compass. Its arrow is simply spinning and spinning and spinning because my heart simply has yet to decide the direction to take. Oh, how do I navigate these troubling waters then? Even as the waters remain still, I sense the danger in staying too long. There is so much dread in the air. The storm is coming for sure and I don’t set sail to somewhere, I will get caught up in its winds.
Sighs.
To be honest, it is not only in my academic life that I am feeling conflicted. I feel conflicted in my personal life. I feel conflicted in my professional life. I feel conflicted in my family life. I went through previous posts on this blog; one minute I am hopeful, the next I surrender. Like, woman, get a grip on things already!
WHAT DO YOU WANT, NURUL HUDA?!
No… The question was never about what I want.
The question that was begging to be asked all along is how am I going to get what I want AND how do I get out of the disappointment of not getting what I want?
Stop thinking like a brat, Nurul Huda, and start thinking real.
The destinations have always been there. Regardless of which destination I choose, which also means regardless of which life choices I make, they are all readily available at my disposal. I do not have control over my destinations. They may change, like those strips of beaches that appear and disappear at certain times in the middle of the ocean.
I only have control over my plans… which routes to take, how to steer my ship, which pit stops to make, who to hire to be part of my crew, and alternative routes to take in cases of emergency. Etcetera, etcetera.
And please note, only _plans_. The actual navigation and journey remain susceptible to so many elements.
Right now, there is a whirlpool forming ahead in between my ship and my island destination. In fact, I am probably only seeing the shadow of my destination. In fact, even as I carefully managed to navigate my way around the whirlpool, I may not even end up ashore. It could all possibly be a figment of my imagination, just an illusion, after having been lost at sea for so long.
Right now, that shadow of a PhD is screaming at me, “It’s a lost cause. Turn back!”
So now, what is my plan?
Let’s get lost in the cause. We’ll still end up somewhere. Maybe not where we want to be but it could possibly set us towards a better place to be.
Just be brave, my friend. “For the brave, nothing is too difficult.”
To there.
Only Allah is Knower of all things. – MM
In the name of Allah, the Beneficent, the Merciful.
Original source article: http://www.arsenal.com/news/news-archive/20160609/germany-Ozil-claims-assist
I just read the above article on Arsenal.com. Well, yeah, basically, I haven’t visited Arsenal.com for the longest time ever… mostly because I felt disappointed by our most promising season yet and that I got sidetracked by my ex-boyfriend and my recently reignited passion for music.
Hopefully, I would get back to all things Arsenal now or at least whatever I could manage.
My dad was really disappointed that I didn’t show much interest in Euro2016, which he felt was unlike me as a football fan. Well, it is now hard to show interest in it mostly because I have been bogged down by work and that fasting month requires a whole level of dedication from me. In fact, I even prayed to be able to fast for the entire month. That would be a delight. Yes, it is possible. In fact, I didn’t actually pray that I would be able to greet Ramadan. It was more of a passing desire in my heart. Yet, He blessed me with the ability to do so, Alhamdulillah. I was quite shocked to have my period only two weeks after I had it in May. Well, looks like it was meant to be for me to fast on the first day of Ramadan and hey, now it is already a week!
Time flies by. Simply zooms by. I have also been praying about a personal matter and… just when I thought I would have to relent to fate’s wishes, I was surprised again. Yes, sorry, cryptic bullshit for this one, can’t explain publicly. &:p
Anyway, this week is going to be a challenge for me from 8am to 9am… because my usual partners in crime are not available… shucks… Today, I was quite fired up with a lot of positiveness but the fire died down after I was let down by my current partner. Tsk. Really. Gahs, do not wish to dwell on it!
Oh yeah, shucks. The point of this post. Hahahaha! I digressed too much! Basically, after a hiatus from all things Arsenal, it was nice to be greeted by the above article about Mesut. I mean, I became a Gooner when he signed so it was nice to get back in through him again. Stay wonderful, Mesut. &:)
Judging from what the article reported, it looks like the wizard of Öz is keeping up with his usual standards of trying to score and successfully delivering assists. Well done, Mesut! Keep it up!
And Allah is Knower of all things. – MM
In the name of Allah, the Beneficent, the Merciful.
And He is Knower of all things. – MM
In the name of Allah, the Beneficent, the Merciful.
As I sit here on my bed, thinking about life, thinking about my non-existent romantic life, I have begun to seal my fate.
Well, whether it will be unsealed will depend on Him. If He chooses to give, He will give. If He chooses to leave me be, He will leave me be.
I have accepted and whole-heartedly embraced the fact that I am not to have a lover in this world. That he will be waiting for me by the gates of Heaven. Even my mum is resigned to this fact. She said it is better for me. It is eternal love.
Well, perhaps this is why since long ago I have been keen to believe it is so. That God has willed it that I will never be reunited with my other half on this earth. Rather, in the Afterlife.
Perhaps that explains why I kept seeing the same guy in my dreams sporadically throughout my entire lifespan of 26 years. The same guy who said no words of love to me but held me in the most comforting embraces.
I have actually written a ballad, would you believe it, called Where Can You Be?
Maybe I can write a part two to it, a follow-up on me giving up my search to find him on earth. Instead, give my best to find my way to Heaven.
But then, who can love this beast more than Him? I suddenly crave and long to be by His side after so many heartaches created by men. I have lost count. I do not want to care anymore.
Meanwhile, I will continue to wander on these barren lands as a Metropolitan Muslimah, as a make-believe Javanese-Malay mermaid princess who can’t, for her life, swim, and as one lonely heart that beats reconciliation with her past, her future, and still it beats for now.
And He is Knower of all things. – MM
In the name of Allah, the Beneficent, the Merciful.
Ay, just how do you be a good friend to someone who is grieving?
Now I just feel like some selfish spoilt little girl. &:/
Well, I did pray for his heart to heal. Other than that, best course of action is to give the man some space.
Wow, I am starting to mature a little bit more now.
Or maybe not? NYEHS.
Hello, Ramadan. I was very grateful to be able to greet you again that I was slightly more enthusiastic in my worship than I usually am. Alhamdulillah. Even during Iqra’ class in the afternoon I felt that rush of blood to the head when I recited some verses of the Quran.
The Quran is awesome! I love it!
Well, right now I am polishing up on my recitation of Yaasiin. Hopefully, I can recite it every night.
In any case, I am really in a happy place, in a happy headspace. It took me long enough to remove the toxicity from my life. I just can’t thank Him and him enough for helping me through.
Hmm…. what else can I do? Was really thinking of baking him some comfort food but would he want to receive it? Haiy haiy haiy…
Never mind. I will just try. Going to be a challenge baking while fasting. Gosh there are just so many things I wanna do suddenly!!! Hahahaha!
Life is beautiful to me right now, which is why I secretly hope that I can share some of my sunshine and rainbows with those under clouds of grey…
Ehehehe. Yes, I have rediscovered my passion for lyrical writing.
Push mo yan Nurul Huda.
And He is Knower of all things. – MM
Metropolitan Muslimah 