I Ramble: 5 November 2017

In the name of Allah, the All-Compassionate, the All-Merciful.

I swear I’m turning into a minah at this rate. 😂

Look at the pic collage I made of me and le fiancé!

We really need to take more photos as a couple together.

Can’t believe it, we’re coming close to a year. Just last year today, we were at my old workplace setting up for the play.

Sighs.

He is soooo dreamy. Lubdub lubdub!

And Allah is Ar-Rahman, the All-Compassionate.

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I Ramble: 26 October 2017

In the name of Allah, the All-Compassionate, the All-Merciful.

Yo! So it’s been like a month since I’ve blogged. Whut.

That just shows how insanely tired out from work I have been.

I mean a five-day work week sounds like a good deal but when you’re dealing with long hours and long streaks of working days, oh, you’ll definitely feel the burn.

Bloody hell, I’m just gaining more weight than losing them.

And more fats than muscles when I carry loads and go up and down the stairs.

What’s going on?!

Well, Danial would say, it’s because I don’t drink water.

Le fiance will most definitely agree with that.

I think everyone in the world will agree to that.

But no joke seh. One of the six basic policies of UNIQLO is that you have to be quick and energetic.

Do that for like nine hours a day, five days a week, and let me know how it is for you.

On the other hand, it feels good whenever people and other companies admit that our service is tip top.

Because bloody hell, we have to always put in a good shift, so it better pay off! Hahahaha!

I’m blogging because… my fiance can’t talk to me right now!

He has started work! Yup yup! As a permanent full-time Night Filler at Giant. Hehe. However, he’s currently not stationed at the Giant near his house. He’s attached to a training centre instead, but still luckily close to his home, and he’s not on night shift yet. He ends at 10pm today. So I’m just killing some time while waiting for him.

I guess this is how it feels for him when waiting for me to end work?! Hehehe. It’s so agonising!

I wonder how he deals with it when I work long hours…especially when I don’t contact him during both of my break times…and especially when I end late at night too. Huhu.

I miss my baybee so much huhu.

YES, I ADMIT. I’M SAPPY RIGHT NOW. AND I’M ONLY GETTING SAPPIER. HAHAHAHA.

SO THIS POST IS ALL ABOUT MY BAYBEE!

Well, not entirely but okay here goes.

The following is a picture of le fiance when he was in his 20s? He used to work as a bar musician. Yes, yes, that lovely man playing the guitar. SO HAMSUM! WAW. ^v^/

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I can definitely see why he attracts all the chicks. I’m so jealous!

I feel like I shouldn’t say this because it’s his story but I kinda wanna make a point.

He was someone who had all the booze he could ever want and all the women he could ever have.

In fact, he could still have access to both if he wanted. He received offers from other musicians to play for them. Even ones who are recognised by the mainstream Singapore audience. But he turned them all down. Because to him, he just wanted to make music out of passion.

Basically, he just want to do his own stuff but people just wouldn’t leave him alone.

But when he needs a loyal companion, people wouldn’t stay with him.

It was certainly very paradoxical for him so I could understand why he was the way he was.

He just needed somebody who is a little bit different than anyone else who could show him a different view of the world and more importantly allow him to be himself.

Yes, he may seem like a ‘hard’ man. Tough exterior. Handles his alcohol so well that he just gets high but not drunk. Plays guitar like a pro and sought after by local professional musicians. He was a skater. Like Tony Hawk skateboard kind of skater until his friend dropped his beloved skateboard into the canal. He did martial arts and went beyond white belt.

When deep inside him, oh, my God, he’s just a softie.

He loves minions. He just goes crazy over them. He loves animals. He loves jazz, blues, and ballads. And recently I found out, he loves drama. I introduced him to three animes so far: Trigun, Sailor Moon, and most recently, NANA. He was sooo moved by NANA that he said he could feel how I relate to it so much. Like as though he was watching me watching it. And watching NANA changed his mindset from playing with no interest to go professional to actually having an intention to go pro. I think he finally sees that going professional doesn’t necessarily mean it’s all about the fame. Going professional really means constantly honing your skills to a higher level so that you can have a sense of pride presenting your work to the world.

And muahahaha fate has it that he bumps into me in his life when he had nothing. He had everything but life happened, causing him to lose almost everything he had. As if life isn’t cruel enough, little old me crossed his path. MUAHAHAHAHA!

I really shook his world. Yes, I’m paying compliments to myself but that’s not the point, shh! I challenged his views…a lot and he can tell you how annoying I can be when doing so muahahaha! I reignited the fire in his belly for his passions in electronics, computing, programming, music, games, movies, TV shows, and even going out for that matter. The thing about him being a softie is that he tends to give in easily. So that was the case with his exes. They kind of stuffed that fire out of him because they had different interests or they just don’t get his passions and he was sooo unconditional in the way he loves them and was such a considerate lover that he always sets himself aside. In fact, in his entire life, he has been putting himself aside for others. He really is a good student but due to financial pressures, he had to work at McDonald’s during the crucial N-level and O-level years. Hence, he didn’t graduate with stellar grades. From then on it was just work work work. There wasn’t really an allowance for him to continue his studies, especially when his dad passed away so he became the head-of-the-household. So suddenly everybody was in his care. So he had to take care of everybody else first before himself. Then there was a time whereby he was so close to settling down and starting a family. Life happened again. In the midst of caring for a terminally ill mother and a sister with a troubled life while juggling a long-distance relationship, his ex cheated on him. And just like that his life changed. He broke up with his then-fiancee. He couldn’t work anymore because he had to be a full-time caregiver for his mum. His triple-digit-K savings depleted quickly due to the expensive medical costs incurred by his mum’s renal failure. And because he didn’t have anymore money, he had to “pull the plug” on his mum’s life.

Even I feel a lot of pain just writing about it.

So after the passing of his mum, he doesn’t have to care about anyone else but himself, he is free to do what he wants. But how can one get over such a tragedy so easily right? Especially when it was not only one tragedy but so many bad things happening at the same time. He didn’t immediately pursue his passions. He was just getting on with life day by day. I chose not to use the phrase ‘living day by day’ because he wasn’t really living. And somehow, he got pulled into music by a buddy. And that was at the same time when I decided to pursue passion instead of romance. And so we met through a jamming session as two strangers who were passionate about music.

And we just started talking and then me being me, I proposed to him, “Will you just marry me already?” and of course, as usual for me and my streak of unrequited love, I was rejected of course HAHAHAHA!

But that was probably the most correct thing he did.

I think it was extremely important for our relationship; that we started out as friends. Because remember what I said earlier, the two things in life that he really wants are:

  1. To pursue his passions.
  2. To have a true friend.

Anybody who knows me, knows that I am a strong advocate of standing on your own two feet and being bold in pursuing your passions. And to a certain degree, I believe it was my fault that I nurtured the ego of someone in my past to the point whereby with the confidence he gained back, it turned into arrogance towards me instead. That’s completely my fault because I’m too soft. But anyway, this little old me was constantly egging on le fiance to explore and discover a lot of things that he had long forgotten, especially his interests.

And man, was it hard to just be his friend when I’m harbouring feelings for him. But I had to discipline myself in locking away my feelings because I genuinely wanted to be his friend.

I remember at one point of our friendship, we grew a bit distant because suddenly a lot of people from his past re-entered his life albeit virtually through FaceBook. I shared with him this as well; that I was hurt to see a snippet of his convo with his ex unintentionally. He was talking a lot about moving to The Philippines as well and being a citizen there. I, being myself, I vlogged about my feelings while in South Korea on my personal YouTube account. It’s still there if you can find it. Tearing up in my baju kurung omg so emo hahaha! I talked about my confusion, I think, about how he shares all these plans about being in a band with me yet he wanted to move away…like how is that supposed to work?! Hahahaha!

And little did I expect that he watched it…

…and that it made him thought a lot about us.

And then life happened and here we are: Two strangers turned into best friends turned into lovers.

That’s why, whenever I look back and think about the people we were and the people we are now, it’s like, is this for real?

Did he really choose me over all other girls he could have had?

Who were far more attractive and seductive than I was?

Was I really worth having that he would turn his back on a life he could have had in The Philippines? A life free from responsibilities? Him staying in Singapore and being with me means he is back to having to take care of someone. It’s like back to square one when he had to set himself aside in order to take care of others.

So those kind of thoughts always drive me to put in some effort in our relationship and in building our future together.

Here I am, in a humbling job, starting from the bottom in order to build something great out of nothing.

And then here we are, two people starting from the very bottom in the retail industry.

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That’s right, ladies and gentlemen, finally, Beedin has a full-time job! WHOOOHOOO!

He is now your friendly neighbourhood Sales Assistant 2 with Salary Grade 1 at Giant! Yay! Let’s clap!

Hurrah!

I’m so proud of him! Whee~

We have both decided to work our way up the corporate ladder in our own companies. Coincidentally, the next step up for the both of us is the Team Leader position. Insha Allah, we will both get there one day.

Maybe make it a little competition? Let’s see who becomes Team Leader first! 😛

But first! We both need to get our confirmation. Gyabon. XD

On an ending note, if we were all to think about it, he was a bad boy turned good and I’m a good girl turned badass. Well, okay, I’m still working my way on becoming more badass but thanks to le fiance, musically, I have become less timid. Even he remarked on how much my singing has improved. Hehe.

And Allah is Ar-Raqib, the Watchful. – MM

I Ramble: 28 June 2017

In the name of Allah, the All-Compassionate, the All-Merciful.

I haven’t slept a wink and it’s already 5:25am now. I might be in trouble over the lack of sleep because I have not one but two interviews today.

Of all the days to be so wide awake at night….zzzzz

Maybe retrieving le fiance’s mail wasn’t such a good idea. Oh, the things he was put through. D:<

When it comes to money, both of us seemed to be tested greatly. Money going out but money not returning when it should be. I think if the both of us were to survive in the future, we need tighter financial policies. Hahaha!

But actually, no, it’s not really a laughing matter when both of us keep getting suckered out of our money out of our kindness.

I need to sit down with him and re-prioritise our pending payments.

Yeah, I’m pretty sure now that I’m annoyed by the thought of people getting away with our money, enjoying their lives, while the two of us battle hunger, sickness, and limited funds.

But knowing him and knowing myself, we won’t be fighting to get our money back. Instead, we’ll be fighting to start our earnings from scratch. Yes, it’s very painful to be conned of a four-digit sum and for him a five-digit sum if not a six-digit sum. But because we are very thin on resources, all the more we should utilise those resources in growing them.

So please, please, please pray for us our affairs will be made easier for us.

I also cannot thank Nora enough for helping me through these difficult times and both Nora and Lyra while I was in the Philippines.

I am also endlessly grateful to Him for letting them both into my life because if we were to base things on first impressions, both of them would certainly not be my friends and I would be worse off right now.

And I can never fully repay my family for spotting me cash in my time of need.

As for le fiance’s health update, he’s still weak and drowsy. It’s been a week now since that fateful night. I think what kept me up as well beside the abovementioned frustration in life is my anxiety in finding out if he will finally be well today. At least well enough to follow me to a group interview by the Japanese retail company I mentioned before in an earlier post. He is still keen on an outdoorsy driver delivery job but I much rather he stays indoors with people around him in a well air-conditioned place and goes home with a higher pay.

But I seriously think my pitch to him would centre more on the air-con. Hehehe.

Wow, it is 6:07am and I am still not sleepy and I have to be out of the house in about two hours.

Hais.

Stay financially wise everyone.

And Allah is Al-Baasit, the Expander, the Munificent. – MM

I Romance: 24 June 2017

In the name of Allah, the All-Compassionate, the All-Merciful.

Dear Bee,

Here are a few easy-listening songs for you to relax to while you are recovering. And well, okay, our favourite song at the end of the list hehe.

Love always,

Bae xoxo

P.S.: If you guys haven’t noticed, I have been signing off with Allah’s names (there are 99 of them), some were mentioned in the third video.

And Allah is Al-Qaabid, the Restrainer, the Straightener. – MM

I Plan: Lifetime Agenda; 2 June 2017

In the name of Allah, the All-Compassionate, the All-Merciful.

Crikey, sometimes it had to take you 10 job applications before you realise just where your interests truly lie.

As for me, a lot.

So I have finally come up with a chart that shows my interests and areas of work I would like to dabble in.

This should definitely keep me busy enough, even during my ‘free’ times. Hehe.

😉

NH Lifetime Agenda

And Allah is Al-Quddus, the Most Holy. – MM

I Ramble: 1 June 2017

In the name of Allah, the All-Compassionate, the All-Merciful.

“So what are you gonna do in your free time?”

Golden question. I replied to that question by saying I have been searching and applying for jobs. I applied for four in total I think by now. I will be ringing up my prospective employer later at 10am. I can’t believe it. I’m usually a bum but I’m actually ready to work. Well, when you are used to being financially independent and you have financial liabilities, I guess it is much easier to feel the urgency to work.

I intend to apply for the public library later in the morning. Will be a drastic change from the noisy environment I am used to at the former workplace. It would be nice for some quiet time.

But back to the question. I think besides feeling overwhelmed by restlessness, I should definitely utilise my free time for other productive things.

I am so spoilt for choices now. Hehehe.

That rambling aside, I miss le fiancé very much. I know, we just saw each other last Monday when he picked me up from the airport but we didn’t get to spend much time together because it was getting late for the both of us. He even had to walk home from Buangkok MRT station at midnight. </3

That brings me to the realisation that this is my last Ramadhan with my family. Next year onwards, I will be spending Ramadhan with le fiancé who will be my husband by then. In fact when we get married next year, it will be less than a week before Ramadhan.

I don’t think any of my family members realise that. :/

Well, I’m not going to make that a big deal. I just want to enjoy my last Ramadhan with them quietly. 🙂

And speaking of not spending enough time with le fiancé, it was a nice surprise when we both discovered we have the same love languages during our marriage course. Look it up online, the ‘5 Love Languages’. There is even a free test you can take to know how you communicate and feel love. For le fiancé and I, we both scored highly on ‘quality time’ and ‘acts of service’. That means we both express love to each other and feel loved by the other by spending a lot of quality time together and doing things for each other. Like him helping me to carry my backpack whether it is heavy or not or anything I’m holding (except my handbag unless I need to go to the toilet or need to do something). It’s helpful to know your love language and your partner’s because it will help you greatly in your relationship. For example, if le fiancé scored highly in ‘physical touch’ but I am not a physical lover, it might become a contentious issue if I don’t know how to meet his need to feel love through physical touch. And when you are married for life, every little thing tends to magnify because in the general understanding of a lifetime commitment, you know you will be stuck in that situation until death separates you two or until you end it yourself. It may seem like a little thing now to us who are not in a marriage but if you read up on divorce cases, you will realise that some are a result of couples having different love languages and not being successful at managing that because most of the time, they were unaware.

That’s why I am always very grateful for having him in my life. It does help to know that there is someone who is so alike yet different enough to be compatible with me. Too many similarities can lead to repulsion. Too many differences can lead to irreconciliation.

But oy, look at me, rambling until 2.30am! Goodness! Have a good day ahead, everyone. Enjoy these blessed days of Ramadhan.

And Allah is Al-Malik, the King. – MM

I Romance: 25 May 2017

In the name of Allah, the All-Compassionate, the All-Merciful.

Dear my love,

I have just finished the last piece of paperwork that I ‘owe’ the centre. I feel very overwhelmed right now because I know the past week has been difficult for the both of us…and it may be until we have both reached our goals for the upcoming month.

Sayang, it’s really crazy how fast Allah is rewarding me for every difficulty I went through. Right after pulling myself together to overcome my final moments at the workplace, He rewarded me with our booking at Lagun Sari. I was looking at FaceBook and they have just announced that they were having a promotion — secure wedding date with just $100 — which we managed to do before the promotion was announced! Then there was me finishing the article for the company newsletter although it was dropped to my lap one week before I left the workplace, which we all found unfair. Nonetheless, I finished it last Tuesday, way after I have resigned, and within three hours. Right upon completing, my dad passed me the cheque from the company. Timely reward, wasn’t it? Lastly, after finally finishing the centre’s resource inventory list, which took two consecutive Saturdays in my final month of working and a whole chunk of my time after my resignation (days actually), I was getting ready for bed when I saw my cash collections…of overseas currency. More precisely, I saw Pilipinas Piso. My jaw dropped. I took down the glass bottles containing the overseas money and lo, in total, I had PHP511.25. It is good for two meals. Alhamdulillah! What a blessing duing these difficult times! In fact I even found a 50 000 Korean won note. If I change that I could get at least SGD45. I was so tempted to take it! But… I felt that it is best to leave it there until I need it. Maybe one day, I will be grateful to have kept it for a future trip to Korea again. Wallahualam bisawab. Only Allah knows best. I’m just very thankful to Allah for all the good things. I’ll take responsibility for the bad things.

I hope that we can both continue to seek help from Allah through patience and prayer. He always answers, just in ways we cannot imagine or in the time He decides when is best for us.

I’m going to miss you terribly, my darling. If you ever feel lonely, you can always text King. 🙂

Yours forever,

Bae ❤