I Ramble: 28 June 2017

In the name of Allah, the All-Compassionate, the All-Merciful.

I haven’t slept a wink and it’s already 5:25am now. I might be in trouble over the lack of sleep because I have not one but two interviews today.

Of all the days to be so wide awake at night….zzzzz

Maybe retrieving le fiance’s mail wasn’t such a good idea. Oh, the things he was put through. D:<

When it comes to money, both of us seemed to be tested greatly. Money going out but money not returning when it should be. I think if the both of us were to survive in the future, we need tighter financial policies. Hahaha!

But actually, no, it’s not really a laughing matter when both of us keep getting suckered out of our money out of our kindness.

I need to sit down with him and re-prioritise our pending payments.

Yeah, I’m pretty sure now that I’m annoyed by the thought of people getting away with our money, enjoying their lives, while the two of us battle hunger, sickness, and limited funds.

But knowing him and knowing myself, we won’t be fighting to get our money back. Instead, we’ll be fighting to start our earnings from scratch. Yes, it’s very painful to be conned of a four-digit sum and for him a five-digit sum if not a six-digit sum. But because we are very thin on resources, all the more we should utilise those resources in growing them.

So please, please, please pray for us our affairs will be made easier for us.

I also cannot thank Nora enough for helping me through these difficult times and both Nora and Lyra while I was in the Philippines.

I am also endlessly grateful to Him for letting them both into my life because if we were to base things on first impressions, both of them would certainly not be my friends and I would be worse off right now.

And I can never fully repay my family for spotting me cash in my time of need.

As for le fiance’s health update, he’s still weak and drowsy. It’s been a week now since that fateful night. I think what kept me up as well beside the abovementioned frustration in life is my anxiety in finding out if he will finally be well today. At least well enough to follow me to a group interview by the Japanese retail company I mentioned before in an earlier post. He is still keen on an outdoorsy driver delivery job but I much rather he stays indoors with people around him in a well air-conditioned place and goes home with a higher pay.

But I seriously think my pitch to him would centre more on the air-con. Hehehe.

Wow, it is 6:07am and I am still not sleepy and I have to be out of the house in about two hours.

Hais.

Stay financially wise everyone.

And Allah is Al-Baasit, the Expander, the Munificent. – MM

I Romance: 24 June 2017

In the name of Allah, the All-Compassionate, the All-Merciful.

Dear Bee,

Here are a few easy-listening songs for you to relax to while you are recovering. And well, okay, our favourite song at the end of the list hehe.

Love always,

Bae xoxo

P.S.: If you guys haven’t noticed, I have been signing off with Allah’s names (there are 99 of them), some were mentioned in the third video.

And Allah is Al-Qaabid, the Restrainer, the Straightener. – MM

I Plan: Lifetime Agenda; 2 June 2017

In the name of Allah, the All-Compassionate, the All-Merciful.

Crikey, sometimes it had to take you 10 job applications before you realise just where your interests truly lie.

As for me, a lot.

So I have finally come up with a chart that shows my interests and areas of work I would like to dabble in.

This should definitely keep me busy enough, even during my ‘free’ times. Hehe.

😉

NH Lifetime Agenda

And Allah is Al-Quddus, the Most Holy. – MM

I Ramble: 1 June 2017

In the name of Allah, the All-Compassionate, the All-Merciful.

“So what are you gonna do in your free time?”

Golden question. I replied to that question by saying I have been searching and applying for jobs. I applied for four in total I think by now. I will be ringing up my prospective employer later at 10am. I can’t believe it. I’m usually a bum but I’m actually ready to work. Well, when you are used to being financially independent and you have financial liabilities, I guess it is much easier to feel the urgency to work.

I intend to apply for the public library later in the morning. Will be a drastic change from the noisy environment I am used to at the former workplace. It would be nice for some quiet time.

But back to the question. I think besides feeling overwhelmed by restlessness, I should definitely utilise my free time for other productive things.

I am so spoilt for choices now. Hehehe.

That rambling aside, I miss le fiancĂ© very much. I know, we just saw each other last Monday when he picked me up from the airport but we didn’t get to spend much time together because it was getting late for the both of us. He even had to walk home from Buangkok MRT station at midnight. </3

That brings me to the realisation that this is my last Ramadhan with my family. Next year onwards, I will be spending Ramadhan with le fiancé who will be my husband by then. In fact when we get married next year, it will be less than a week before Ramadhan.

I don’t think any of my family members realise that. :/

Well, I’m not going to make that a big deal. I just want to enjoy my last Ramadhan with them quietly. 🙂

And speaking of not spending enough time with le fiancĂ©, it was a nice surprise when we both discovered we have the same love languages during our marriage course. Look it up online, the ‘5 Love Languages’. There is even a free test you can take to know how you communicate and feel love. For le fiancĂ© and I, we both scored highly on ‘quality time’ and ‘acts of service’. That means we both express love to each other and feel loved by the other by spending a lot of quality time together and doing things for each other. Like him helping me to carry my backpack whether it is heavy or not or anything I’m holding (except my handbag unless I need to go to the toilet or need to do something). It’s helpful to know your love language and your partner’s because it will help you greatly in your relationship. For example, if le fiancĂ© scored highly in ‘physical touch’ but I am not a physical lover, it might become a contentious issue if I don’t know how to meet his need to feel love through physical touch. And when you are married for life, every little thing tends to magnify because in the general understanding of a lifetime commitment, you know you will be stuck in that situation until death separates you two or until you end it yourself. It may seem like a little thing now to us who are not in a marriage but if you read up on divorce cases, you will realise that some are a result of couples having different love languages and not being successful at managing that because most of the time, they were unaware.

That’s why I am always very grateful for having him in my life. It does help to know that there is someone who is so alike yet different enough to be compatible with me. Too many similarities can lead to repulsion. Too many differences can lead to irreconciliation.

But oy, look at me, rambling until 2.30am! Goodness! Have a good day ahead, everyone. Enjoy these blessed days of Ramadhan.

And Allah is Al-Malik, the King. – MM

I Romance: 25 May 2017

In the name of Allah, the All-Compassionate, the All-Merciful.

Dear my love,

I have just finished the last piece of paperwork that I ‘owe’ the centre. I feel very overwhelmed right now because I know the past week has been difficult for the both of us…and it may be until we have both reached our goals for the upcoming month.

Sayang, it’s really crazy how fast Allah is rewarding me for every difficulty I went through. Right after pulling myself together to overcome my final moments at the workplace, He rewarded me with our booking at Lagun Sari. I was looking at FaceBook and they have just announced that they were having a promotion — secure wedding date with just $100 — which we managed to do before the promotion was announced! Then there was me finishing the article for the company newsletter although it was dropped to my lap one week before I left the workplace, which we all found unfair. Nonetheless, I finished it last Tuesday, way after I have resigned, and within three hours. Right upon completing, my dad passed me the cheque from the company. Timely reward, wasn’t it? Lastly, after finally finishing the centre’s resource inventory list, which took two consecutive Saturdays in my final month of working and a whole chunk of my time after my resignation (days actually), I was getting ready for bed when I saw my cash collections…of overseas currency. More precisely, I saw Pilipinas Piso. My jaw dropped. I took down the glass bottles containing the overseas money and lo, in total, I had PHP511.25. It is good for two meals. Alhamdulillah! What a blessing duing these difficult times! In fact I even found a 50 000 Korean won note. If I change that I could get at least SGD45. I was so tempted to take it! But… I felt that it is best to leave it there until I need it. Maybe one day, I will be grateful to have kept it for a future trip to Korea again. Wallahualam bisawab. Only Allah knows best. I’m just very thankful to Allah for all the good things. I’ll take responsibility for the bad things.

I hope that we can both continue to seek help from Allah through patience and prayer. He always answers, just in ways we cannot imagine or in the time He decides when is best for us.

I’m going to miss you terribly, my darling. If you ever feel lonely, you can always text King. 🙂

Yours forever,

Bae ❀

I Ramble: 11 May 2017

In the name of Allah, the All-Compassionate, the All-Merciful.

Alhamdulillah, I think my cold/flu or whatever it is has started to cleared up.

At the same time, I’m also getting over my recent bout of depression.

It really is very difficult to regulate myself whenever the pendulum sways all the way to the left. Look, the thing is, whenever something like that happens to me, to the human eye, I look like I’m just being annoyingly emo. If you feel annoyed by that, imagine my frustration when my body biologically refuses to get unstuck from that end of the spectrum when my mind is fine. My mind is aware that okay, I’m in a bad place and I’m feeling this way and I know why I’m feeling this way but for some reason both my mind and my body are not in sync.

Then what happens is that my mind gives in to my body.

It gets consumed by the chemical reactions responsible for the emotions.

So I start to isolate myself. Not necessarily physically but more often, mentally disassociate myself with everyone. I feel like I’m not part of the collective so that renders my existence redundant.

And that’s when I don’t feel anything. I don’t feel the need to drink or eat. I no longer crave social interactions either.

And so there it is, the critical stage whereby I need someone to keep on talking to me to break the spell that my body has cast on my mind but usually at this critical stage is when people who are trying to do so finally give up helping me.

I don’t blame them because it is not fair to them. I also have to tell myself that I can’t blame myself either. I have also come to terms with the fact that this is one struggle I have to live with. As long as I am not a danger to myself nor to others, I don’t find the need to get my head checked for shrinking.

Like you, dear readers, I’m trying to shrug it off as just being emo. Why make a mountain out of a molehill?

But at the same time I am staying cautious. I have been like this since my early years. There are patterns and the patterns are consistent…throughout my life. So I can’t totally downplay it but at the same time, I don’t want it to be a big deal.

Le fiance was at the receiving end of my recent bout and fate had it that he was rendered physically ill that he was running low on the resources in managing me.

So as we were walking beside each other, the distance never felt greater when we were actually physically close. Even as I gripped his hand, that distance taunted me more. Throughout our walk from The Analog Factory to Admiralty MRT station, it was silence that accompanied us.

That’s when I realised, it wasn’t the silence that was killing me.

It was his silence that was killing me.

Man, I never want to go back to that state ever again. I’ve had so many silent treatments before but this was the worst.

But props to my man, I guess he could never not talk to me and I could never ignore him.

And we’re back to the happy place we are in now naturally. He’s recovering from his illness [migraine and stomach flu, my poor baby :'(] and I’m recovering from mine.

Props to Lyra as well for not going Bridezilla on me.

If there is something profound she said during my depression mode was, “You’re actually not naturally emo…you’re naturally cheerful.”

I’m acknowledging the fact that resigning is actually affecting me more than I truly am feeling. My mind needs to be stronger than my clutch on le fiance’s hand…more than ever for the next seven days.

The way out is inevitable and soon, this too shall pass.

WhatsApp Image 2017-05-08 at 11.00.29 PM

And Allah is Ar-Rahim, the All-Merciful. – MM

I Ramble: 3 May 2017

In the name of Allah, the All-Compassionate, the All-Merciful.

Pain.

Pain in my throat.

Pain above my heels.

Thank God for the absence of menstrual pain so far because I’m on day two today and it’s the heaviest flow as we know.

But still there it is, pain in my heart.

I’ve expressed this before to Nora; I don’t know why I have so much anger in me. It’s crazy.

Maybe it is just due to the fact that my life has been messy but I have been sorting out the mess since day one of May.

My existential crises, the pondering of what may and may not have been, and of basically asking myself, “What’s the point of it all?” and “Am I a bad person?” are slowly receding.

Well, that was a terrible sentence, feel free to amend it but I hope you get what I was trying to convey.

I’ve been getting on with work — trying to finish up whatever I need to do for a handover. I’ve been getting on with my room — trying to discard as many things as possible so I can have a better peace of mind on top of getting ready to move in with le fiance when he becomes le husband. I’ve been getting on with my wedding preparations — we’ll be having our marriage course next weekend. It does make me feel better knowing that things keep moving with me having some control over it.

As a person, maybe it is guilt, maybe I’m weak, maybe I’m beating myself too much over it, I am finding it hard to come to terms with myself but I think taking a break from work and being in a different environment for a little while can definitely do me good with regards to my headspace and heartspace.

Oh, to explain the above sentence — 1) I have tendered my resignation and 2) I will be heading over to The Philippines for my friend’s wedding. I’m very blessed to have attended my Korean friend’s wedding and now I will get to attend my Filipino friend’s wedding. Yay! Regarding my resignation, I’ll talk about it separately. Maybe.

I guess it’s time to take my friends’ advice seriously — “It’s time to repent, my friend”.

I’m just lucky I’m not made to walk down the streets naked and vilified while a smirking nun cries out, “Shame! Shame!” while ringing her goddam bell.

And by repentance, I’m not just talking about my spirituality but also my work ethics and personal house rules.

One thing I know for sure is that I’m very expressive and I can’t hide my thoughts and feelings well and this aspect of me is a double-edged sword.

Now that I have acknowledged that part of it, what am I supposed to do with that piece of information? Hence, that is why I feel lost. So lost right now.

Damn.

And Allah is Al-Malik, the King. And I definitely should ask Him, the King, eh? – MM