I Challenge: Boho Berry Challenge – December: Year-End Review (28 December 2018)

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.

Wowsies. I actually did a challenge and completed it! Yay! It is the Boho Berry December Challenge!

Just click on the picture to know what it is all about. I’ve linked it to Boho Berry’s site regarding the challenge itself. I’m psyched to share my answers to the challenge right here.

Firstly, of course, I would like to thank my husband, Beedin, for supplying me with the notebook in which I did the journalling challenge.

It is just a small pocket notebook with blank pages in them, which proved useful in letting me doodle here and there. Thanks, Bee!

Secondly, I copied the list of topics in the challenge so I didn’t have to refer to my phone each time.

Yeah, I had a little fun handlettering the title but as you can see, I clearly lack spatial awareness. Just crammed the entire title up there on the page.

Next, I proceeded to do sort of a cover for the challenge. Was inspired by Amanda Rachel Lee’s December 2018 Bullet Journal set-up. Have a look at the following video.

Now have a look at my doodle. Bwahahahaha! So far away from her creation.

Then I went ahead with contributing to all of the topics.

1. Introductions

2. 2018 in Three Words

3. Favourite Memory

4. Biggest Accomplishment

5. Biggest Challenge

6. This Year, I…

7. Time Well Spent

8. Successes

9. Could Have Gone Better

10. Money Well Spent

11. Progress Towards Goals

Not going to share a sharp image of the above as I feel those goals are quite personal. But you can see them anyway if you put in the effort. HAHAHAHAHA!

12. New Skills Learnt

13. Breakthrough Moment

14. Smart Decisions

15. Good Habits Formed

16. Bad Habits Broken

17. Unfinished Business

18. Theme/Word for 2019

19. Start Doing

20. Keep Doing

21. Stop Doing

22. Out of My Comfort Zone

At this point of sharing, I believe I became less retrospective and more prospective instead. I think this topic should cover an event in 2018 where I got myself out of my comfort zone. Instead, I recorded what I would like to do in 2019 that would take me out of my comfort zone. But for the record, yeah, going on The Mummy ride for the second time sure was a step out of my comfort zone. All done for love’s sake! Hahahaha!

23. Setting Intentions

24. Something New

25. Self-care

I’ll just continue the sentence here: to…remain soft and smooth all year round.

26. Contribution, 27. Education & 28. Career

Once again, these turned out to be less retrospective than they were supposed to, I feel.

29. 2019 Will Feel Successful If…

30. Top Three 2019 Goals

31. Lessons Learned

There we go! Finally Huda has successfully completed a challenge! Yippy!

I must say that doing this exercise really helped me to have better ideas on how I’d like to plan out my 2019 Bullet Journal. I was really forced to sit and think through some of the topics. You can try it and you will also find that it can be tedious in certain aspects, especially when you are forced to think quite hard on life questions that you would sometimes prefer to leave unanswered. Muahahaha!

I hope everyone reading this would feel drawn to journalling and picking up similar challenges and more importantly, complete them. It would really organise your thoughts better and help you see your life from a different angle and reassess it.

Fun fact: It took me 40 minutes or so to do up this post, mostly in snapping the photos of the entries and positioning them under each heading. I wanted to start on my 2019 Bullet Journal but I’m starting to feel burnt out from just doing this post.

Yes, I have been feeling burnt out from doing little tasks recently. I think my depression is worsening but the reality is, I can never get it checked.

Because no one would believe me? Not sure. But I think it has been so overly glamourised that I much rather not deal with it.

Simple things have become so difficult to do. I take a longer time to do things that can be done in a minute or even a heartbeat.

And I feel so downright tired all the time.

Or maybe it’s just my diarrhea.

Welp.

And Allah is Ar-Razzaq, the Total Provider. – MM

I Ramble: 27 December 2018

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.

Meowsies.

Where do I even begin.

About ushering in 2019? Summarise 2018 and wrap up the year? About games and gaming? About being ill? About my husband? About life? About journalling? Ai yai yai yai yai. So many things yet so little energy for anything.

Maybe we’ll start with the following photo.

This is me taking a shot of my television, showing a gameplay of The Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End on PS3 by my husband.

Yup, it’s close to eleven PM when we were playing a bit of POTC. I firstly want to express that I enjoy being married to someone who not only shares my hobbies but also engage in them. Best part is that neither of us were overly particular about how each other play. I must admit that I wanted him to save his gameplay on a separate file but then my better judgment got me to realise that hey, I can always replay the level if I ever feel like immersing myself fully in the game or being a completionist through collecting every single item and unlocking every chest and so on. There isn’t any pressing need for me to not share the gameplay anyway. But yes, if I was working on unlocking achievement seriously, I wouldn’t let him have the controller. Hahahaha!

The game was a fortuituos buy. Remember, I wanted to buy the first installment of Uncharted? Well, my husband and I stumbled upon a copy at Games Resort @ Compass One. It costs $30. My husband was telling me to just get it as PS3 games have noticeably dwindled in the shops. But when you’re the sole breadwinner of the family, you will obviously get sensitive about the price. $30, albeit half the price of what PS3 games usually cost, is still a pinch to me. So I decided not to get it from Compass One. Then, just yesterday, I jio-ed mum to go to Tampines Mall to look for a bullet journal. Unfortunately, I couldn’t find the journal I wanted to get but then I remembered there were two game shops at one of the levels. The first shop that I went to didn’t carry Uncharted so I decided to try the adjacent shop, GameXtreme. I found a copy and it costs $25. So I thought I might as well get it because I don’t know when my next trip to Tampines will be and that I probably couldn’t get a better deal anyway. Lo and behold! Just as I wanted to make payment, the dude noticed a sticker on the case and said, “This one three for $10. Go and get two more with a sticker.”

Gnarly! What a deal! So I grabbed POTC and Assasin’s Creed: Brotherhood because nothing else interest me. For POTC, I played it on Wii before and I really enjoyed it so I thought I’d play it again on PS3 instead. Then I simply chose AC because my husband likes the franchise. Wow. It’s so different when you’re a single gamer and when you’re a married gamer, huh? Hahahaha!

So yup! Lucky me bought Uncharted for just 1/3 of $10 instead of $30. That’s like…errr…my fractions is not good. 1/3 of 1/3? Cos you know, it is like three times less of three times less? Oh, bollocks, nevermind me. Point is, it pays to be frugal. And nice. Cos nasty customers won’t get good recommendations. Muahahahaha!

So that’s about yesterday and games and gaming. It’s been a while since I’ve touched my console so I feel the vertigo pretty damn badly this time. My head just fucking hurts all the time now. Sheesh.

Oh, yeah, I mentioned about wanting to get a bullet journal. I know, I can just use any old notebook but I really wanted to emulate the creator of the bullet journal and I think that the dots would be pretty helpful in making markings and estimating the amount of space I need for certain sections of the bullet journal.

So there goes the dream. I know I can just get it online but like I said, I have to be frugal as I am the only person who is holding the money.

But yeah back to gaming, I haven’t started on Uncharted yet ironically enough. Hahahaha! That shows just how much I enjoyed playing POTC on Wii. To be honest, I can’t recall going through the same sort of experience on the PS like I did on the Wii! Let me just check for a moment if my instincts are true. Both versions really feel a whole lot different to me! Or is it I’m demented? Let me just check for a sec.

Oh yes, they are indeed different! Oh, my God! I recall smashing crates a lot more in POTC Wii and spending more time in the sea prison in the beginning chapter. POTC PS3 is like a super condensed version of the movie and I didn’t spend as much time in the beginning chapter.

Oh, wow, wow, wow! Nonetheless, this PS3 version that is new to me, is still enjoyable. It does have that Uncharted feel in terms of having to figure your way out and scaling walls and shimmey-ing ledges. So I figured that POTC is a great warm-up game to gear me up for POTC.

I found out about the versions being different from GameSpot. Man, it has been a while since I’ve been there and blog there. Now, I miss blogging there about games and all that jazz. Really takes me back given just how much I have rambled on about games in this post! Felt like the good old times!

For a proper game post, I should write about the differences I experienced in both versions and whether I enjoy one more than the other. Apparently the Wii version is the same as the PSP and PS2 versions but the PS3 and XBox360 versions are different, with the XBox360’s varying slightly from the PS3’s.

Wow, amazing! We all discovered something new!

Anyway, I feel like I rambled on long enough. Will definitely want to complete the games I started playing on both the PC and on the PS3. Also, will definitely want to get back to bullet journalling and be more life-organised.

I really like to make up my own words sometimes. Just how do you guys live with me? Hahahaha!

And Allah is Al-Wahhab, the Supreme Bestower. – MM

I Ramble: 27 July 2017

In the name of Allah, the All-Compassionate, the All-Merciful.

I know I mentioned I was supposed to rest at home today but my shift was swapped. So I’m working today from 7.30am to 6pm and I will get my rest day tomorrow instead.

I told le fiance that it has begun…the last-minute change of working day/hours and all negative connotations attached to them.

I have heard a lot of talk around me and I could now see why many of them are unhappy.

But for now, I shall play nice.

Anyway, I’m typing this in the MRT on the way to work. A bit upset with the fact that I had to keep standing in the MRT from Tampines to City Hall and if I’m to be unlucky some more,from City Hall to Somerset but I usually don’t complain much about that short ride.

I realise now why I’m more knackered than I thought I would be. Having to travel 1 and a half hours to work and then another 1 and a half hours back tires me out more. The work hours thus far are not too bad if you think about it. It is pretty much extended for an additional hour to your usual 8-hour work. It just seems longer in numbers due to the one and a half an hour break.

So right now, I need to let my body fully assimilate to the back and forth train journey.

I know I could always get up earlier and leave the house earlier to take a train to Pasir Ris to ensure I get to sit down all the way to City Hall but I much rather use the time to sleep peacefully on the bed than nodding off on the train. Hahahaha!

Anyway, I’ve reached City Hall interchange and am on the train to Somerset. Pretty empty train hahaha.

I’m hungry. Had a hard time getting out of bed so I didn’t have time for breakfast. Will squeeze a bite in when I reach since I will arrive at the workplace half an hour earlier. HAHAHAHA.

I know, it’s weird, Nurul Huda is early for work. By half an hour some more. šŸ˜±

And Allah is Al-Khabir, the All-Aware. – MM

I Ramble: 23-25 July 2017

In the name of Allah, the All-Compassionate, the All-Merciful.

23/7:

Happy birthday to le fiance! Yay! But too bad, no celebrations due to lack of budget HAHAHA.

And also I’m working again tomorrow morning. Yoink.

24/7:

Oops. I couldn’t finish blogging yesterday. Anyway, today is alright.

25/7:

And once again I didn’t get to wrap up my blogging hahaha! I think I really can’t finish a post during my work break. :p

Work has been okay actually. I have a lot to share but I don’t have the energy to do so. I guess I didn’t realise how tiring it is until I realised that my whole body became swollen. My feet puffed up until my shoes feel like they were too tight that I was slightly limping on my way home yesterday. Even my right fingers became visibly swollen. So I’m just aching all over. I didn’t work today so thankfully I could have a bit of rest. Furthermore, after working tomorrow, I get to rest again on Thursday. But yeah, I don’t actually feel the fatigue of working until working hours have ended. Maybe because I was so focused on the tasks at hand that it took my mind off the needs of my body, even pains. I didn’t realise I cut my finger either until this morning when I woke up. I suspect it was due to my improper usage of scissors when cutting up the seals on boxes.

Something interesting happened to me yesterday. I was asked to take out the trash. The building janitor asked me whether I have finished school. I said yes, I have even graduated from university. He looked at me with such bewilderment and asked loudly with disbelief along the lines of what the hell am I doing taking out the trash when I am a university graduate. He insisted on me getting another job, a better job. I told him candidly that I tried but I failed to secure such a job. He got annoyed and said I should try and try again. I just smiled and said no more.

Well, people. This is the reality of it. You know how candidates from opposition party expressed the fact that university graduates couldn’t get jobs? It is all true my friend. Especially if you are a Malay. More so if you wear a scarf. And even more so when your degree was not awarded by local institutions.

Not my fault that the government chose to waste a lot of our young local talents. I can mope about it but I’m game for settling for a decent job, even if that means taking out a metal cageful of trash, which just consist of plastics and papers used to package the items.

And remember, our leaders accused us of being picky of our jobs. So this is me not being picky. But certainly, it reflects so badly on our leaders, doesn’t it? I will just leave it at that.

But, Baeda, if you are not picky about your job, why did you leave your previous employment then?

Well, someone leaves a workplace for many reasons.

I must say, I have compared my current job with my former job. Sure, I didn’t get away from janitorial work. I’m working longer hours for much much much lesser pay. I still have to address difficult people. So why am I happier with working at this new job?

Well, my previous workplace was small but people could hide behind other people. They get by without having to make an effort while the people who are working hard kept receiving more workload simply because they can be relied upon. However, at my new workplace, which is way bigger, nobody can hide. Everyone is exposed and expected to put in a good shift. Every single action a person takes affect everyone else. Everyone has to find out about everything and know everything.

Ironic, isn’t it?

Maybe, I would have hated this job if I was hired five years ago when I was still stupidly naive and young and would welcome childcare eagerly. We don’t really know, right? I might just share the same sentiment as that blogger I mentioned before.

But right now, the new environment is a most welcomed change. I foresee the job becoming increasingly tedious in the future and I will remain realistic about that.

However, I actually feel happier now because I know everyone is working as hard as me, if not harder.

I hope everyone will find a suitable working environment for themselves. Be happy.

And Allah is Al-Latif, the Subtly Kind. – MM

I Ramble: 22 July 2017

In the name of Allah, the All-Compassionate, the All-Merciful.

220717; My first day of working at Uniqlo.

I survived.

Oh, my God.

Hahahaha! Well, yes, I’m feeling the fatigue now, no joke, especially so when my menses arrived at the end of the day! Earlier than expected! Hahaha! That was the extent of the physical stress that the work inflicted on my body today.

But actually, okay ah. Even when I was assigned to mop the floor of the second level, it wasn’t bad. It was a dry mop and there was no fuss in doing it so I wasn’t fettered. Plus, it wasn’t like the store was filthy or littered. And it helps a lot that there was neither urine nor faeces unlike toilets, right? Hahahaha! In that department, I’m not too discouraged.

I guess the only issues I have were 1) I am totally clueless and once again I find myself being thrown into the sea to sink or swim but I’m fine with that because been there done that and 2) having to remember a whole hell lotta things first thing in the morning when I am so damn clueless to begin with because I can’t have my orientation until two newbies arrive next week. Toinkssss.

Come on, we all know how bad my memory is! Hahaha! So I felt completely overwhelmed in the morning. Right now, I’m not even sure if I can remember the morning routine. This is going to take me a while. I feel deeply apologetic to everyone there for my utmost blur-ness and endless questions. I’m sorry but they will have to put up with me for quite a bit! Hahahaha! The people are alright, so far nobody shouted at me. I think when someone eventually does so because you know, I’m slow in movement and remembering, I won’t be having an issue with it. There are good days and bad days and shitty days. The bad days and shitty days will definitely come but remember, if you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

Plus, I’ll just take it as a challenge. I realise this job involves A LOT OF THINGS THAT BAEDA DOES NOT COMFORTABLE WITH! HAHAHA! Like doing things fast and remembering a lot of things, etc, etc. But hey, we can’t all remain stuck and stubborn. Step out of your comfort zones, my friends.

Once again, I find myself being in the company of young people. Haha! They keep thinking I am a student! There was this guy who asked me, “Which school are you from?” I just replied University of Newcastle. HAHAHA! Yes, my friends, I didn’t bother revealing that I was working previously for five years, except to a group of nice girls who asked me during lunch. Oh wells. Le fiance has always said I looked like a student because I keep dressing like one. Hehehe. I’m just going to enjoy being mysterious for a bit.

And d’oh! During my introduction, I said my hobby was blogging.

WHY, GOD, OH, WHY? HAHAHA!

Now I would really have to be careful when talking about work. But then again, I’ve always done my best to try and not be too expressive online. It’s a struggle, I must admit.

And wow, I managed to chalk up a lengthy post today despite feeling knackered but nope, not gonna do anything else muahahaha!

So to compare my 1st day experience with the previously mentioned blogger’s experience:

Blogger: The first day of work was half spent on classroom training and the other half on the floor learning the initial ropes.

Me: The first day of work was entirely spent being clueless without orientation but with some guidance from people around me and learning some stuff from working in the stockroom. Hahahaha!

Okay, right now I’m feeling the full brunt of the day plus first day of menses. Ouchie, ouchie, ouchie.

I’m going to retire for the day now.

And Allah is Al-‘Adl, the Utterly Just. – MM

I Ramble: 21 July 2017

In the name of Allah, the All-Compassionate, the All-Merciful.

Managed to have a quick celebration of 8 months as a couple with Beedin on the day I signed my contract with Uniqlo, which was last Wednesday. I even put on a bit of makeup for the occasion, which was a treat for Beedin. He makes me feel very comfortable in my skin so I rarely wear makeup on our dates.

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Coincidentally, a Mexican navy ship was available near the place I signed my contract. Now, if you recall, Beedin made a ship for me out of ice-cream sticks to carry my engagement ring. So to have that ship around on our special day, was definitely significant. ^_^ I just had to snap a picture despite the sun being in our eyes hehe.

Sighs. I’m going to miss him terribly. I’m starting work tomorrow and I’ve been feeling quite nervous about it. I mean, I’ve read the reviews and experiences online and I personally have an idea of what retail is like because I’ve worked as a packer before at Giant Hypermarket Tampines. Here’s one experience that can probably scare anyone from working at Uniqlo:Ā https://onesundaymorning.wordpress.com/2011/08/15/uniqlo-operations-management-trainee-singapore-2/.

Sure, the person was an OM trainee who revealed the salary to be at $2.7k so you might think, what’s the relevance, Baeda? But if you were to read the descriptions of the job, seem rather apt for a typical retail associate. So in that aspect, I’m quite mentally prepared.

Am I going to have the same experience? Well, we’ll see. I’m known to be a crybaby but hey, five years of childcare? I’m probably made of stronger stuff now. I’ll take folding clothes into the night any day compared to washing children’s toilets at the end of a tiring day.

And oh, I actually applied to be a Retail Associate but surprisingly, they assigned me as a Senior Retail Associate. I suspect it is due to my degree. Imagine if I had chosen to keep my degree a secret. Would have been a shame. I almost did so because the first time I applied to Uniqlo, I was ignored. HAHAHA. I thought probably my qualifications put them off. For some reason, I thought, hey, why not re-apply. And whazaaaa…they reverted to me in less than a week. Toinksss.

So yeah, good luck to me on that. I shall endeavour to blog about it every single day if I’m not exhausted but I have a feeling I will be completely knackered at the end of each working day. Hahaha!

But I’m hoping to be able to schedule my life properly because I do have a lot of commitments after all. I just need that staff roster and then I can plan from there.

But yes, a one-week’s grace will be very much appreciated. So if I’m quiet here for about a week, you’ll know exactly why. HAHAHAHA.

Had a meeting today with SMC brothers. We discovered that the purchasing system on the wixstore site was disabled as it needed us to pay for it. Toinksss. So apologies all. If you would like to order, please email streetmobclothing@gmail.com. Thanks!

Also, I’m very sad about the passing of Chester Bennington. He influenced me greatly in music and my songwriting. In honour of his memory, here is a song that helped me through shit, especially when I feel so alone and when I feel people couldn’t understand me.

Because I can’t hold on when I’m stretched so thin
I make the right moves but I’m lost within
I put on my daily faƧade but then
I just end up getting hurt again
By myself

May Allah ease the pain of his loved ones and may He have compassion and mercy on his soul. Amin.

And Allah is Al-Hakam, the Judge, the Arbitrator. – MM

I Ramble: 13 July 2017

In the name of Allah, the All-Compassionate, the All-Merciful.

I received another rejection from one of my better job prospects. I shall reveal now the public service that I was trying out for. It was the State Courts as a Language Executive.

Oh, wells.

That is behind me now. Now, I’m just hoping that the third prospective employer is still keen on hiring me. A Japanese retail company, just to refresh your memory.

Looks like it is proven true; I’m not good enough for the corporate world. It’s okay. It doesn’t matter to me. At least, I’m not letting that fact matter to me that is.

I guess I am meant for greater things in my own time in my own way.

Fret not! For a person with varied interests like me, I can do anything I put my mind to.

Here’s to a hardworking Huda.

And Allah is Al-Muzil, the Humiliator. – MM

I Ramble: 28 June 2017

In the name of Allah, the All-Compassionate, the All-Merciful.

I haven’t slept a wink and it’s already 5:25am now. I might be in trouble over the lack of sleep because I have not one but two interviews today.

Of all the days to be so wide awake at night….zzzzz

Maybe retrieving le fiance’s mail wasn’t such a good idea. Oh, the things he was put through. D:<

When it comes to money, both of us seemed to be tested greatly. Money going out but money not returning when it should be. I think if the both of us were to survive in the future, we need tighter financial policies. Hahaha!

But actually, no, it’s not really a laughing matter when both of us keep getting suckered out of our money out of our kindness.

I need to sit down with him and re-prioritise our pending payments.

Yeah, I’m pretty sure now that I’m annoyed by the thought of people getting away with our money, enjoying their lives, while the two of us battle hunger, sickness, and limited funds.

But knowing him and knowing myself, we won’t be fighting to get our money back. Instead, we’ll be fighting to start our earnings from scratch. Yes, it’s very painful to be conned of a four-digit sum and for him a five-digit sum if not a six-digit sum. But because we are very thin on resources, all the more we should utilise those resources in growing them.

So please, please, please pray for us our affairs will be made easier for us.

I also cannot thank Nora enough for helping me through these difficult times and both Nora and Lyra while I was in the Philippines.

I am also endlessly grateful to Him for letting them both into my life because if we were to base things on first impressions, both of them would certainly not be my friends and I would be worse off right now.

And I can never fully repay my family for spotting me cash in my time of need.

As for le fiance’s health update, he’s still weak and drowsy. It’s been a week now since that fateful night. I think what kept me up as well beside the abovementioned frustration in life is my anxiety in finding out if he will finally be well today. At least well enough to follow me to a group interview by the Japanese retail company I mentioned before in an earlier post. He is still keen on an outdoorsy driver delivery job but I much rather he stays indoors with people around him in a well air-conditioned place and goes home with a higher pay.

But I seriously think my pitch to him would centre more on the air-con. Hehehe.

Wow, it is 6:07am and I am still not sleepy and I have to be out of the house in about two hours.

Hais.

Stay financially wise everyone.

And Allah is Al-Baasit, the Expander, the Munificent. – MM

I Ramble: 23 June 2017

In the name of Allah, the All-Compassionate, the All-Merciful.

Does anybody miss Mortal? I know I do. I was scrolling through FaceBook when I come across this video. Guess the Gorilla’s name… It’s Zola! Hehehe!

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I think I will get on with Chapter 4 tomorrow. I’ve finally got a bit of inspiration to start the chapter with so it’s just a matter of taking it from there.

Oh! By the way, right after I lamented about my inept abilities in securing jobs with high-profile organisations, Mamma Mia! Both of them called me back for an interview! :O

And to think I screwed up both of their tests! Both organisations contacted me on the same day to inform me about it.

And today I received a call from another Japanese company but in retail. :O

Alhamdulillah. I am so thankful to Him. I know, having a shot at an interview does not equate job security but at least the good news will keep me going in my pursuit of securing a job. Also, such good news are most welcomed during such difficult times. Been doing all I can not to break down.

I got to see le fiance today. He looked so weak. He was still drowsy and in a lot of pain. I wanted to cry as I looked at his weary visage but turned away when I felt the tears coming and there was a strain in my voice as I replied “Okay” to him when he told me not to worry about him. He took my hand, stroked it, and kissed it.

I blushed, of course. Gee, what a man.

I hope he recovers quickly in time for him to join me for the interview with the Japanese retail company…and I hope he gets the job. Mate needs to stop doing manual labour outdoors. He’s no longer fit to do so anymore, I feel.

If he still hasn’t recovered by Tuesday, I’d probably drag him out to the Singapore Buddhist Free Clinic. Hey, TCM, especially acupuncture might just be what he needs.

People, pray for him so he may get well soon and be able to stand on his own two feet again. Pray for me as well so that I may get the best job out of the three options currently available to me right now. Amin.

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And Allah is Al-‘Alim, the All Knowing, the Omniscient. – MM

I Ramble: 5 June 2017

In the name of Allah, the All-Compassionate, the All-Merciful.

Yes! I made it! 5th consecutive post, woohoo! Just another two days and I will have the confidence to strike off blogging daily from my Ramadhan challenge list!

Well, when I woke up, things of course just don’t turn around completely BUT at least I felt better. I fell asleep praying, almost chanting like a mantra, “Oh, Allah, please heal Amirudin. Amin.”

And well, prayer does help. His physical withdrawal symptoms reduced but oh, his mood swings!Ā One day, I’m going to tell this story of ours to our children, especially if any of them suddenly gets the bright idea to start smoking. Seriously, not worth it. Plus, I already put up with their dad’s struggle to quit, I don’t want to put up with theirs. Hahahaha!

Still, Alhamdulillah, I’m very thankful that he felt less numb and stiff today and man, I would take his mood swings over his physical ailments anytime. Even though he gets mad, he still runs to me, barks at me but then rolls over on his back and gives me the saddest puppy eyes. Oy, I really can never be mad at him! Even if I do, I can never stay mad for long.

But yes, my biggest concern regarding him is stroke so when he told me the numbness significantly reduced, I am so very relieved. So phew! I only have Allah to thank for…especially for listening to a plea from a very sinful me.

Anyway, I called up my prospective employer who was supposed to have kept on top of things but after the call I gave today, I guess I can’t expect everyone to be as hardworking as me. Basically, yes, I’m fucked because it really means I’m unemployed.

But whatever. I applied for three more jobs today, including Uniqlo. Hehe! I really don’t know why I’m feeling a strong urge to join them. Maybe I’m just ready to work hard. Like keeping my hands busy more than my mind. But then again there’s another job I applied for that’s really got me interested. A translator job. I really enjoy languages and after trying to translate Nora’s thoughts into Malay for her children’s portfolio, I kind of feel like it is a skillĀ I would like to hone.

But everything is up in the air right now. I even got interested in an executives programme. Maybe because I feel like it will be a great starting point for a corporate career for me. I have many skill sets and I always feel like I can do anything that I put my mind to so going through that programme will definitely help me optimise my capabilities and fulfill my potential.

Well, that sounded like a cover letter…but I think the cover letter I wrote to them was less appealing than what I just blogged.

I don’t know, I always have this fear of overselling myself…and I always have this feeling that I’m average and I can never beat someone who is always going to be above me. Like you know, what can a neighbourhood school kid like me do compared to an elite school kid? But when I look back at what I’ve done for the past five years, I know that while I may never beat them in certain sense, I may have excelled beyond them in another sense. It all depends on how someone sees it and I can only hopeĀ that there is someone out there who is like my David Dein and I’m like their Arsene Wenger.

So yeah, things have happened and there is no use stressing myself over it. I also recognise that sometimes, I can’t shoulder all of le fiance’s burdens nor solve all of his problems because sometimes we both need to grow as individuals in our own ways in order to become stronger together. So he has his own Ramadhan struggles and I have mine. We both need to stick it out and not let our personal demons get the better of us.

And Allah is Al-Muhaymin, the Guardian, the Preserver. – MM