Tag: sadness

In the name of Allah, the Most Beneficent, the Most Merciful.

Sometimes, you have to write endings yourself.

I think I’ve taken enough time to do so.

And He is Knower of all things. – MM

In the name of Allah, the Beneficent, the Merciful.

Whatever I set out to do today, in the end I didn’t achieve them. Whaaaaaa….

Hais. Hay naku. I think I am slowly turning more pinay recently.

It is quite a change of scene… to entertain my lonesome thoughts on lonely nights like this rather than entertaining some guy whom I am not even sure if he likes me in a less platonic way. However, I do not feel despair and neither should you feel despair for me too, dear readers. I was washing the dishes after loading my clothes into the washing machine last night around midnight. It did feel like I had a preview of a solitary life, you know, should all my siblings be blissfully married and my parents peacefully passed on (touch wood many many). It did feel quite lonesome but at the same time quite empowering. I am not bothered by anyone and I do not have to take care of anyone except for myself.

So yeah, I am not afraid nor worried about living alone. I think when the need comes, I will pick up cooking naturally.

I secretly want to kickstart a home pantry project. Like clean up the counter and spaces beside the fridge and decorate it according to my taste and maybe fill up the cabinets with pantry shindigs of my taste as well. Was thinking of a New York concept. You know, those artsy jazz bars feel. Hmm… that will be quite a project, which needs time and capital.

For the first time ever in my life, I actually have quite a lot of leave left, which I am planning to bring over to next year so I can be in Manila, Philippines with Lyra for her wedding! I was thinking of staying there for longer than a few days… maybe a week. Hence, I have been trying to learn Tagalog lately. Muahahaha. It is quite easy, given how similar it is to Malay. Hopefully, by next year, I can have decent Tagalog listening comprehension, speaking, and reading skills. So this is a project by itself, which is why I don’t feel like I can embark on that pantry project.

Or maybe I need a productivity tool that can help me sort out those things… kind of like a timeline, which allows me to see deadlines and chart the sub-tasks I need to complete by a certain time in order to achieve the ultimate goal and it deadline. If you have any recommendations, feel free to let me know be it paper-and-pen or in the form of an app. I just need something really comprehensive because look at me and my plans… we’re going nowhere as I sometimes have absolutely no idea where to start or how to start!

This is what happens when you are passionate about just about everything under the sun… well we all know how much I loathe cooking… but it looks like that will change soon… because I have a great motivator in A! 😀

Well, actually there is something that has been bothering me a bit… no, nothing to do with my romantic life or lackthere of. We can safely agree that that aspect of my life has been frozen in some cyrogenic pod in my brain, yeah? It’s… still a personal issue but… hmm… I think I will spill the beans much later on… for now, I will be living with it for a bit so if you see me walking around with a cloud over my head, just be understanding, okay? Thank you.

And yeah, this song is a serious earworm for me right now.

And Allah is Knower of all things. – MM

In the name of Allah, the Beneficent, the Merciful.

Sometimes, the answer we seek is right in front of us yet we either do not see it or choose not to see it.

I must say I was actually very attracted to the Doctor in Education (EdD) programme when I attended the briefing on it. Unfortunately, whether it was because of my ego in wanting to achieve a PhD or my determination to pursue a PhD, I have completely overlooked EdD.

I actually questioned myself, “Why do I want a PhD in the first place?”

I am forced to admit the fact that I just wanted the ‘Dr.’ title to my name.

Yes, folks. That is the most selfish and arrogant thing I am willing to admit to and now I see why intentions are very important in helping you get the things you want in life.

I approached PhD with the most wrongful intention, which is why I am denied of it.

In retrospect, the way things are moving in my career and the things I am passionate about, all leads to that EdD a whole lot better than the PhD.

I shouldn’t be showing all of my cards but everyone knows how stubborn and honest I am by now.

The workplace is really considering me for the Senior Teacher position. Now, I have been questioning if I should pursue it. I think all it takes is for me to agree to it and then it is “Welcome to the ride of your life, kid”. I have been hesitant to pursue it because I just wanted to go about things quietly… you know, take things easy but let’s face it — no matter how hard I try to avoid it, if I am destined for that path, it will chase after me. The more I run from it, the more lost I get straying away from the path I was supposed to take.

The things that attracted me the most to the EdD is the pragmatism that comes with it. I will not only specialise in the hard skills of education such as curriculum design or teaching and learning skills but also the soft skills of professional practice and improving the industry by resolving issues within the classroom or workplace or the entire educational landscape.

That being said, I would absolutely love to make an impact, even if I remain an unknown in the field, as long as I am given a chance to do so. Do nothing for glory for glory should never be an objective and often it is a trap that reduces Man more than it elevates him.

Additionally, the EdD looks into grooming professionals into leaders who can contribute back to the field and the community.

You got to agree with me that it makes far more sense for me to be a Senior Teacher and pursue an EdD in order to not only lecture but have the ability to transfer my expertise into viable solutions and input to the industry. It all seems perfectly planned, doesn’t it? I would be foolish to not pursue that course in my career and chase a self-serving dream instead.

The application for EdD is already over. At least now I have a year to prepare my application package. I do not need to take nor submit my GRE scores for EdD (yep, in all honesty it makes it easier on me than applying for PhD). However, I have to bear in mind the competition for places in the institution. Who am I kidding? It is frigging NIE and MOE teachers would definitely have a leg up over me as they were NIE’s graduates. On top of that, I have to compete with professionals with years of expertise and knowledge who are far far more qualified than I am. I cannot be complacent nor take things for granted. Additionally, unlike PhD, which requires me to have two academic referees, the EdD needs me to submit referrals from an academic referee and a professional referee. This means I will need to reinvigorate my relationships with my former Honours thesis supervisor and my current Principal. I do not have bad relationships with them but if I want them to put a good word in for me, I will need to ensure that I am consistent academically and professionally from now on.

It is a huge undertaking but the best part of this undertaking is that I finally see the light. I am no longer lost. I know where to go and how to get there. It is time to work.

Also, maybe watching House of Cards has somewhat impressed me and influenced me in terms of thinking more broadly about life choices. I may not be as scheming as Francis ‘Frank’ Underwood but the little cogs and wheels in my brain do turn to plot my life’s maneuvres. Again, I am not ashamed to admit that as long as nobody gets hurt in the process and I do not need to kill anyone.

We are good to go.

And Allah is Knower of all things. – MM