In the name of Allah, The Beneficent, The Most Merciful.
I think I slept from 2.30am to 6.30pm today. I could not really remember at exactly what time I fell asleep. I only remember waking up with the worst backache and getting really confused as to whether I had woken up at 6.30am or was it really 6.30pm.
That makes it 16 hours of my hibernation. I did not know that a simple sore throat pill could knock me out cold like that. Maybe it was a multitude of factors besides feeling ill such as feeling beat from travelling 3 hours a day for work. Such as doing house chores after work in the evenings. Maybe my body is trying to fight my husband’s COVID so hard that it used up whatever energy I have left.
I only know that I did not enjoy missing out on 16 hours of time I could have spent working on my projects.
And that just sends me on a downward spiral from there. I feel lethargic and I do not feel like I am up for anything much right now except to just kick back. It is not healthy, definitely.
But my body is not cooperating with whatever instructions my mind is yelling at it.
I do not know how to treat this. Do I take it as an off day? Am I allowed to rest this much? Am I entitled to rest this much? Or am I supposed to feel guilty? To wallow in self-pity? Such a familiar taste of poison.
If there is anything Ramadan has taught me, it is not about how you started. Sure, it helps your chances. You get an advantage for starting off anything well. However, it is also about how you finish. The unpronounced mercy from our Maker – redemption. We all crave redemption. Even heroes. Even heroes are prone to mistakes and most certainly look for redemption when they make mistakes.
With about eight more days of Ramadan left, and boy, has it whizzed by, what can I do to redeem myself from the wrongs I have committed? Get me out of my slump, please.
That is just it, is it not? We all have to be our own heroes because in the end, we have to face things all alone once soul is separated from body. In that moment, we each know what we had done.
A, sometimes I really wish you would discipline me more. But we both know that if you do that, I might feel like I am less of my own person. And we both know how important it is to me that I feel like I am my own person. It is why you married me in the first place. I am my own person.
And so I should start saving myself.
And I can do that.
Because I am my own person.
And Allah is Al-Hakam, The Impatial Judge. – MM