I Ramble: 7 May 2021

In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful.

I have been listening to a lot of heavier music. I think I am somewhat imploding. It’s like those high school feels never quite left me. Maybe our teenage years are far more formative than we realise them to be. It shaped our current perspectives, values, and character to quite an extent.

And in one of the heavier songs I listened to, one line never failed to haunt me, “Where you gonna be in the next five years?” (Spit It Out by Slipknot)

Right now, I’m going about my life with absolutely no plan.

I have no idea what I’m doing with my life.

I don’t know how or what I’m supposed to contribute to the grand scheme of things.

I am 31 years old now and turning 32 in August. I am only a Retail Supervisor in a global flagship store of the number two clothing company in the world right now.

And then we have people like Sanna Marin who became Finland’s prime minister at 34 years old.

I feel so much paler in comparison to other people. It’s not about the success that bothers me. Success is subjective, to me, at least. It’s about the implication of productivity that comes with the success. In simpler terms, have I done anything meaningful with my life? Have I utilised my time and energy optimally as an individual?

I think that always bothers me. Which is very ironic considering I am a lazy bum.

I feel quite divided on taking Ramadan as breaks from my usual commitments. On one hand, I feel it will be good for my soul by just concentrating on the core things in my life. On the other, I feel quite vexed by the lack of work I do. I think I shall stick to treating Ramadan as a summer holiday from the daily grind. I think it is the best time to rest the body and nourish the soul. I imagine that if I were a rockstar, I wouldn’t want to attend any interviews or shows or participate in a tour during Ramadan. I would rather take that much needed spiritual break.

I should probably lay out some plans and work towards executing those plans.

Sometimes no plan is the best plan but sometimes no plan will get you nowhere because you didn’t plan on getting somewhere in the first place.

And Allah is Al-Mu’min, The Giver of Faith. – MM

I Ramble: 4 May 2021

In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful.

May the Fourth be with you.

Sorry, I had to get it out of my system! Hahaha!

I came across a video of a girl — who after seeing a video of another girl doing daily self-affirmations — did the same.

It got me thinking about how little confidence girls nowadays have. At first I thought it was silly and I didn’t need to do that because I’m a strong independent woman.

But then I realised that even strong women need to be emotionally assured. We need the affirmation that keeps us going. Like running on a fuel. There is only so much fuel we can generate for ourselves sometimes. So it really helps when others contribute to our fuel tank. Unfortunately, not all of us are lucky to have that. In the end, we only have ourselves.

I’m not going to do self-affirmation on a daily basis. But whenever I decide to do it, I’m going to think of a self-improvement point as well. At a glance, you might think it’s contradicting. But my intention is to use my self-affirmation as a springboard and my self-improvement point as a goal. Rinse and repeat.

Right now, I can’t think of anything because I’m not exactly in the best of head and heart spaces. Which ironically makes the best time to do so. I’m going to give it some thought before I share on my FaceBook Story.

It’s okay. I’m Huda and I always get my shit together.

Right?

And Allah is Ar-Rahman, The Most Gracious. – MM

P.S.

To: God

No matter how long it takes, I am going to remember all 99 names of You. Because You are the only one who can really love me in my best and worst.

I Ramble: 3 May 2021

In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful.

It’s amazing just how time passes by. Ramadan is coming to a close soon and I feel like I haven’t done enough.

I also feel burdened by the lack of progress with regards to the state of my house.

Thanks to my flu, I have been getting more rest. But that meant I haven’t done any cleaning.

Sometimes, I feel very stressed out. I wish my husband could have taken on a more active role in the management of the house. But to be honest, he is doing more than me by settling the laundry and dishwashing, things I dread to do.

So is it fair? Sometimes, I don’t know. Most times, I wish we could function more as a team. I always hate it when he pushes things off instead of facing them head on. Maybe I’m impatient. But after close to three years, that patience is whittling down.

I don’t know. I’m tired of not knowing and I’m even more tired of doing things alone.

But I also am tired of complaining so hopefully this blog post helps me to let off some steam and feel refreshed.

At the end of the day, I must remember my duties to God, my family, and my community.

I cannot simply serve myself.

Seriously, I cannot wait to be fully free.

But earning that freedom is going to take a lot of hard work and a whole lot more patience than I have in my reserves.

I can only pray for more of His Kindness. Whichever is the course set for me, I will need to tread without losing my religion and without compromising my morals.

Life in the 21st century is definitely a struggle.

I am fighting so many unseen demons everyday. They come in from so many directions. They whispered so many things.

I hope I can hold on strongly to The Book. It is the only tangible thing that connects me to God.

The end game is to return to Him in the best of circumstances.

And Allah is All-Knowing. – MM

Little Moments; I Ramble: 8 April 2021

In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful.

I had lamented previously about trying to keep the instrument I was practising on to myself.

Whadya know, the very next day when I played it, le husband didn’t take over. Instead, he came from behind me and played with his arms around me.

It felt very intimate and it was the kind of intimacy I had been craving for a long time. I leaned a little on his right arm as he played, wishing we could have more of such moments.

But, a shame really, that despite being off duty and being available to my husband the whole day, he was absorbed in his computer learning.

It felt like a wasted day yesterday. I did nothing but sleep like a depressed person.

I just wanted some romantic attention from my husband. Why is that so hard. Lol.

And now I find myself having to get back to work. Dragging myself as I type away on this little phone.

I feel like digging a hole and disappearing into it and never having to surface.

But that sounds like digging my grave and resting there forever.

I guess, I can sleep some more when I die. But to sleep a peaceful sleep when I’m dead means I have to first ensure that I have destroyed all my sins and fully paid my debt to God.

I dreamt that I was cleaning out a bathroom. I Googled what that meant because it was a perplexing dream. Apparently, deep down inside, I am trying to clean out whatever is bothering me, cluttering me.

After much thought and a whole lot of hesitation, I finally said a prayer in the hopes that He have the best plans for me that His best plans for me will come to fruition easily for me.

And Allah knows best. – MM

The Problem With Living With Another Musician; I Ramble: 6 April 2021

In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful.

It is great to live with another musician. You get to listen to his music for free and you have free access to his knowledge and skills in music. Learning music is a huge investment and not everyone is privileged to attend formal music education. I think this is what people may overlook. They attend a few years of music school and then frown upon those playing on the streets, whom may be without formal education.

I would not say I have been in the company of music elites but I must say I have been privileged to be in the company those who have many years of music experience. And it is very interesting to interact with someone who was self-taught and someone who studied music more formally. The former is my husband and the latter is G Hustler.

And I must say, there is no right and wrong way to learn music. They are quite comparable in terms of knowledge and skills. Both of their ears are well-trained over the years. Both of them are also multi-instrumentalists. My husband is comfortable playing the piano, guitar, bass guitar, and drums. G Hustler has played saxophone and is comfortable playing the piano and guitar. But I must say he is haphazard on the drums. I definitely fare better on the drums compared to him!

What both have taught me is that we do not have to be so rigid in our music exploration. Additionally, true musicians will always be willing to give some pointers and guidance for free because in the end, it is all about the love for music. So as a learning musician, I should be more open to receiving tips.

But sometimes I just find that difficult when all I want to do is to be alone in fiddling with the instrument.

You see, the problem with living with another musician is that they get attracted to the sound of music when you are playing and then they get into the mood of playing themselves, and before you know it, they took over your instrument and consequentially your time to play it.

Sighs.

I need to figure out how to best utilise my music time. Maybe I will need to move on to another instrument when my instrument is taken over or go back to the books and learn the theoretical aspects while waiting for my husband to finish conquering my instrument. Lol.

And Allah knows best. – MM

Sempre Libera; I Ramble: 4 April 2021

In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful.

It has been some time since I have blogged here. Or at least that is what it feels like.

Sometimes, I really do not know if people wish for my misfortune. I have no choice but to face all adversity as an opportunity to redeem myself each time.

Nonetheless, life has always been like a wheel; ever turning, ever moving. Right now, in this place and time, no matter how difficult it is, I have to appreciate what I have.

At first, I was just taking one for the team, for all the women who long to have a loyal and loving partner. But the more my husband does his best to please me, the more I see what I have that most do not. And it is hard to not appreciate what I do have.

Almost dumb not to.

I know I deserve more and I deserve better but I also know that I have been praying for the best in this life and in the afterlife.

There must be a reason why I am written to be here right where I am right now. If this is the best path to heaven, I can only do my best to navigate this concrete jungle without losing my religion and without losing myself.

And I also know my husband deserves more out of me and deserves better from me.

It dawned on me that perhaps taking a different perspective would make me see things I would easily overlook.

What if my husband was not my husband? How would I see him then?

What if I was married to someone else and I had to look at him as a someone who was single? Would I find him attractive?

Very interesting, right?

I think I will be spending the entire day thinking about that.

And Allah knows best. – MM

Huda Lee; I Ramble: 28 March 2021

In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful.

“Huuuuudaaaaaaaaa!”

Apparently, when my name is exclaimed that way, it seemed to have a very martial arts ring to it. That’s when Bruce Lee came up in the conversation and I was thereby heralded as Huda Lee. LOL.

Speaking of Bruce Lee, I found a rather heartwarming picture of him and his family and a very sweet picture of him and his wife. Both pictures were found on Pinterest.

Honestly, I don’t know if I can ever be as tough as Bruce Lee. And I don’t know how long I can hold out to be the tough Huda that people think I am.

And Allah knows best. – MM