Hello, 2023; I Ramble: 24 January 2023.

In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful.

Hello!

It has been, what, many months before I break my silence here. I have been working all the time everyday until I fell sick last week. I am still not fully recovered yet but after getting a lot of time off, I realise I miss my hobbies. I only get like an ounce of leisure time each day because I work like two jobs with no off days. Honestly, that ounce of free time mainly stemmed from transit time. I went on a gaming galore during my medical leave and with the help of my husband, I finally managed to play the Torment levels of Diablo III! OMG! Achievement! Hahaha!

I am also kinda slowly getting back into the football fandom but at the moment, with no budget for quality viewing, I always have to wait until the team upload the match videos online. Haha! It is okay though. At this point, I guess I am turning into a proper pauper.

My Operations Manager asked me if I have set any new year resolutions on New Year’s eve and I was like, “I have no resolution”. Hahaha! It is true. I have barely have time for myself, what more think about things like that. My mind is so empty and simply tired out from working all of the time.

I guess this year is all about paying back. “IT IS PAYBACK TIME!”

I wish the mission is as cool as it sounds but alas, it is all about paying my dues and debts. Let’s see… I owe a lot of money and I owe a lot of fasting days from previous Ramadans. My mission this year is to get rid of all of those as quickly as possible and as much as possible. Ramadan is in about two months more or less. A little afraid I will not make it in time but I will be very grateful to have shaved off at least half of what I owe before the next Ramadan comes.

Oh! I have also signed up to be a Grabfood delivery agent on foot so that will be my third job. Alas, I started to feel ill after signing up and then wham bam I am so sick until now so I have not had a chance to earn from that job yet.

I also realised during my medical leave that I have neglected my personal well-being so much that my body pretty much died. Now I am having a whale of a time trying to revive it. My hair is bitching. It absolutely needs to be washed everyday to retain its smoothness. While it is difficult to manage, I am thankful I still have a head full of hair. Come to think of it, even my 40+ husband still has a head full of hair. For paupers, we are doing just fine in terms of our hair. LOL.

A lot of people feel that my situation is dire but look, everyone gets a different sort of challenge in their lives. Even Shakira is faced with a huge tax debt, which her now ex-husband played a part in and the reason for the dissolution of their marriage is his infidelity. The guy even got her to live next to his own mother and he had the audacity to cheat on her. What a jerk. I think her situation is worse than mine. Having to sort through her personal affairs while being in the public eye is nothing I would envy. I would not swap my position with her in life. I think being rich in life means differently to me now. It used to be about amassing wealth but now I feel richer than Shakira in terms of having less difficulties than her. However, that is my perspective. I do not think Shakira envies my position either and she seems to be happy with how she had dealt with her private affairs.

Right now, I just have to be extremely patient and continue to work hard. I do not believe that my struggles are for naught. I know there is Great Wisdom behind all of these but I am too short-sighted right now to see it. He is the Best of Planners so I can only do my best to plan and execute according to my abilities. The rest is up to Him.

Are you guys happy with where you are at in your life? If you are, enjoy every moment of it and make plans to continue that happiness. If you are not, look for ways to improve it. If there is a will, there is always a way, although that way may not be clear immediately.

On a different note, I am contemplating securing one off day for me every week. I will probably start in March. I just realised that I actually have a huge job that I completely paid no attention to. My house work! Good Lord. I think it is high time I start paying attention to the house as well.

Egads! So many things to do, so little time!

And Allah is Ar-Rahman, The Beneficent. – MM

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Ending My 32nd Year of Living; I Ramble: 24 August 2022

In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful.

Just had a desire to blog although I do not really have any objective or story to share.

I guess, my 32nd year of living went by pretty fast and it had been pretty hectic.

A lot of ups and a lot of downs.

Said goodbyes and hellos.

I feel like I have not achieved any of my goals. Sadly. However, I am not going to beat myself up for that. I did what I could. I survived the way I could.

Do I feel like I have grown? Funnily enough, yes, I do feel that way despite not achieving my 2022 goals. I got to see a side of me that I never thought was possible — working three jobs! My goodness.

I am not sure if I get to trim it down to two because we still need to have some money rolling in.

I will have to play by ear.

Still, if there is one thing I would like to focus on is to get into the routine of waking up at 5am in the morning.

I have no choice but to do so because that is the only way I can ensure I will be punctual for my first two jobs. I really want to knock out early at night instead of sleeping late. I want to ensure that my body is properly rejuvenated, especially seeing how I am not allowing myself to have any off days.

Wake me up when September ends? Haha!

Anyway, here’s a favourite tune of mine to round up the end of my journey as a 32-year-old and to kick off my life as a 33-year-old.

I want to continue living happily. I am determined to live happily. Whatever happens, whatever comes, I will face with bravery and kindness.

Thank you, everyone, for always rooting for me and giving me the silent support I need.

May the Lord have mercy on my soul!

And Allah is Al-Haseeb, The Reckoner. – MM

Talking To Myself; I Ramble: 19 August 2022

In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful.

I do not like talking to people because sometimes their reactions can be off-putting or their thoughts are not aligned with my principles.

However, I have a natural human need to talk things out.

Therefore, the solution for people like me who are unable to find that satisfaction in talking things out with other people is to blog or write in a journal or just talk to one’s self.

I used to write in a journal before the age of Internet and blogging. Now that I have blogging at my disposal, it is how I try to process my thoughts without having to filter out so much shit.

I acknowledge I have this insane need to tell someone like, hey, this thing happened and it sucks and I just wanted to tell you what I feel about it. On the other hand, at the same time, I am not looking for anyone’s opinion. I just want to be heard.

Why is that so hard for people to do for me? Lelz.

Anyway, I just wanted to let out that the pain in both of my feet are acting up really badly now. They used to just ache at the end of both weekend days that I work but now the pain is persisting throughout the week. The pain is especially at my heels. I guess my heavy footing, cheap footwear and the standing/walking nature of my weekend jobs are really chipping away at my foot health. I finally begged my husband to give me his cushiony insoles that he got from Decathlon. Hopefully, that will ease my pain throughout this weekend. We shall see.

I wish I could get a break. I guess this is why people need off days. I can already feel my sharpness falling by 60% and I am just mentally not there when it comes to paying attention to things and people. Social interactions feel burdensome. Social requests become mammoth tasks. I am not even in the mood for my upcoming birthday, which is about six days away, I reckon.

That’s the first gripe.

The second point of contention is why the hell does Singapore think I do not deserve a minimum $4000 paycheck and kept on pushing me to settle for less? Do I really have to stick my paper qualifications onto my face? Write the years of work experience on my cheeks? Must they really tell me how they had to fight for me so that I can earn that job?

Fuck.

I can work like a dog but I hate being treated like a dog expected to sit, stay, and roll over on command.

This blog post is a much needed reliever because damn, I have so much aggression, frustration, and resentment. These mental walls can only hold so much turbulent thoughts.

I am tired. I am unwell. I am in pain. I badly want to date my husband but there is just no energy and time for a date. There are mean people out there. People are attacking our integrity without checking themselves first. I am really starting to bear a lot of grudges and resentment now because I have been so great at taking things in my stride and absorbing a lot of negativity from stupid people.

Gah. Urgh. Mergh. Grrr. Raaghh.

Gosh, I feel so much better after blowing off some steam. Now, I am going to stress-eat some Maggi noodles and just watch some Arsenal documentary series thingy on Prime Amazon.

So long, suckers.

And Allah is Al-Muqeet, The Sustainer. – MM

There Is Just No Time To Die; I Ramble: 17 August 2022

In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful.

I do not think I have watched any of the Bond movies in their entirety. In fact, I can barely recall any snippets. Weirdly, I feel like watching them after stumbling upon Billie Eilish’s take on the Bond theme.

I have enjoyed Adele’s but I have to say, as someone who does not follow Billie Eilish, she did a great take on the Bond theme. There is the theme of betrayal in it, which adds to the idea of a hero’s pain. So this tops Adele’s Skyfall.

I even want to learn to play this song on the ukulele. I found a really good ukulele cover on YouTube.

The other ukulele guides are not as flavourful as the above.

I hope I can carve out some time for this because at the rate I am going about my life, there is just no time to die.

And Allah is Al-Hafeedzh, The Preserver. – MM

My Mind in Muharram; I Ramble: 5 August 2022

In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful.

I feel tired.

I feel frazzled.

A little scattered.

My body is totally aching and sick.

My mind is completely all over the place so I take back on what I said earlier — being a little scattered. Clearly, I am more than just a little scattered.

I guess that is because I do not really have time for myself. My body is pretty much falling apart on its own.

I know my body is still living but my mind is sort of dying. It has been shutting down a lot. I have not been able to actively listen and retain information. Most times I have no idea what the person is conveying to me and had to just guess my way around. It is getting pretty bad but weirdly it feels normal.

Of course, it is not something I should normalise.

I am pretty sure this sentiment is thematic throughout the many donkey years of my blog’s existence. Like what’s new? Haha!

Just a quick hello post before saying goodbye to try and get back to turning my life around for the umpteenth time. HAHA.

So long, suckers!

And Allah is Al-Kabeer, The Most Great. – MM

Hello, July 2022; I Ramble: 1 July 2022

In the name of Allah, The Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

Yooooooooooo….itta meeeeee….

How was your first day of July? Today was a pretty hectic day of work. I’m really tired out by the day’s load. I’m very upset that I missed out on my first two obligatory prayers. Going to really get back to waking up at 5am because that has been my goal since foreverrrr! I still have another 6 months of the year to cement the routine of waking up at 5am. My problem is that I’m always thinking, “What the hell am I doing waking up at 5am? My body is crying out for sleep!”

So I really want to achieve that. I believe once I can achieve that, I can pretty much achieve everything else because things will just fall into place once I am consistent with the time I create for myself and once I am consistent with my daily prayers. It’s that easy to be honest. Just a matter of executioning the plan.

As you can see, I only managed to do 5 of the 10 things I wanted to do. To be fair, I took longer than I anticipated to iron our clothes for a wedding tomorrow because — get this — I had to clean the iron and the ironing board beforehand. That’s how long they have been in storage. Geez. I was already tired from work and then I became even more tired out by the ironing shindig. Goodness. But oh, well. At least I managed to force myself to get 5 things done today. It feels like an accomplishment for me because I usually just don’t do anything when I feel tired. I’ll end up watching videos and playing games to just unwind. I definitely feel more productive today than I usually am so that’s good. I’m happy with that. Although it was not a great start to July 2022, it was a better start than previous starts. I will set tomorrow’s goals tomorrow, in the morning, because I want to approach the day with a fresher mind.

And Allah is Al-‘Alee, The Most Exalted. – MM

End of April, End of Ramadan Soon; I Ramble: 30 April 2022

In the name of Allah, The Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

Hola! Yo yo yo.

If you have not caught wind of it yet, well, I have COVID again! For the second time!

Lies we have been told about this virus, seriously.

Unfortunately for me, when my husband contracted it a week ago, I contracted it as well. He was lucky enough to have eluded it when I first had it last year. Why could I not have the same luck? Could have made some money now that our livelihood depends on our ability to earn. Tsk tsk.

So that kind of surmises Ramadan for me. I learnt that perfection is not the key to Ramadan. It is patience. We so often think that it is all about being the best Muslim, maintaining the good habits we have planned out for a highly successful Ramadan, and ensuring we made good planning to secure all that. However, what happens when our perfect plans get screwed up? What if we were thrown a curveball in life? Does the perfect Ramadan only exist for Muslims in perfect circumstances? Is a successful Ramadan equivalent to a perfect Ramadan?

Hence, given all that has happened this month, the opportunities to do good that I have squandered, the time I have wasted, the things I had to go through and endure, I must say that this has been quite a haphazard Ramadan for me. I thought I could end strong but it looks like I could only end weakly with this virus living inside me now. The virus itself is only one of the many diseases residing in my body right now. I have a lot to work on.

Still, I will be patient and finish it as well as I can, even if I cannot finish it strongly.

I am still working on fixing my relationship with Allah. The ‘A’ that I need to prioritise before my ‘A’. It is tricky because sometimes I have to prioritise my ‘A’ in prioritising the ‘A’. It is all about defining the priorities. If you cannot be clear on what they are, that’s where you feel lost in life. You do not know which direction to head towards. I want to be smarter in prioritising.

Well, today is a day of reality check. It has been 72 hours since I tested positive so if I test negative today, I can be released back into the world. LOL. If not, I will have to check on Day 7 at 12pm, which is on Eid itself. Sucks, right? Haha. Happy CovEID to my husband and I!

Besides that, I need to jump back on this bandwagon called life.

I do not know why I have this sense of being disrespected. I have this tingling feeling that someone or some people out there have been disrespecting me. It could also be possible that I have been squashing out whatever form of disrespect I have experienced over the years that I finally imploded and am only feeling all that now.

I find it disrespectful when women come in between myself and my good men. This has happened multiple times in my life. Of course, while it could always be a play of fate, I always like to take a little bit of responsibility at least. I allowed myself to be disrespected by these women. I have decided I do not want anymore of that.

I find it disrespectful when men decided I am not good enough for anything under the sun. This has happened so many times in my life that it is almost rhetorical sometimes, the way things would end up. Again, while the circumstances may not be favourable for me, I had allowed myself to be disrespected by these men. I have decided I do not want anymore of that as well.

I have a lot of work to do. I realise the playing field will never ever be level. If I want to play the game, I have to play at the level they dictate before I am able to gain control of the game and switch it to my tempo instead.

I do not want to play the game but if I do not, I will forever be disrespected. Playing the game is tiring but I am more tired of being disrespected at this point.

Just gotta keep working.

And Allah is Al-‘Adl, The Utterly Just. – MM