I Ramble: 29 September 2017

In the name of Allah, the All-Compassionate, the All-Merciful.

Heyoooo there! Hehehe.

Miss me much? Of course you do! *beams*

Okay, now that I’m done with my sweet pleasantries, time to get down with some business.

So basically, I finally cleaned my two shelves in my room. Le fiancé can testify to that, I sent him photos. So that’s one agenda done.

I have also completed my SMC paperwork and reviewed the online activity. Danial pretty much set the meeting agenda already. So that’s four.

A. Clean the two central fixtures

B1. Type out previous SMC’s meeting minutes

B2. Review SMC’s online activity

B3. Set SMC’s meeting agenda

C. Set setlist for Ballads By The Beach by Rubber Bandits

D. Pick up a book from my room to read

So I’m left with C and D to fulfill. I wanted to complete C yesterday but le fiancé was too out of it to discuss with me. And then I was pretty much demotivated to do any form of reading. Toinks.

So here is the agenda for today!

A. Complete and discuss evaluation at work today.

B1. Continue working on Halloween t-shirt ideas for SMC.

B2. Promote SMC to get more likes on FB.

B3. Check out Duke’s Bazaar and make arrangements accordingly.

C. Set setlist for Ballads By The Beach by Rubber Bandits.

D. Pick up a book from my room to read.

I was trying to make a menacing-looking t-shirt but apparently, I ended up making a really cute one that even le fiancé gushed over. Oopsies.

In any case, here we go!

And Allah is Al-Karim, the Bountiful, the Generous. – MM

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I Ramble: 19 September 2017

In the name of Allah, the All-Compassionate, the All-Merciful.

So….

I created a list of the six items I wanted to do yesterday.

But I managed to do none of those.

Nope it ain’t your typical “not enough time” excuse.

I decided to accompany my colleague, Reena, to Changi Airport on a whim. She was heading back to her kampung via flight and even brought her luggage with her to work.

And I thought, why not send her off since I was having my period so I don’t have to worry about praying.

And so there we were two girls squeezing into the fully-packed MRT with a thankfully small luggage. By right we shouldn’t be able to get in but me being me, I just shoved the fellas in front of me and grabbed hold of her luggage and just squeezed in as much as I could so she could have room to get in as well.

Mission was successful!

She thought her flight was at 8.30pm but it turned out that it was at 9.30pm. So that meant we had enough time for dinner together, hooray!

And to think that earlier during the day, we had lunch outside of our workplace together! It was definitely meant to be! Hehe.

I did a lot of heavy lifting as well during work and almost fell down the escalator trying to bring down a heavy container of leggings pants.

And the gantry doors of the mrt ez-link tap-in/out closed in hard on me. Ouchies.

I spent a good deal of time sharing with le fiance about my eventful day and fell asleep on the bed after washing my uniform.

I woke up at 6 plus but was too knackered to move before being knocked out cold again until 8am.

Good thing I decided to get my ass off by then because I had completely forgotten to hang my uniform dry last night. >.<

So here I am in the MRT with thankfully dry and ironed clothes and I even had time to pack food to bring to work.

Alhamdulillah for that.

My only frustration right now is that I left the house at 11am but my bus only arrived at 11.13am. And now I’m standing in the MRT like since when so many people travel at this hour? Ugh. And it had to be the kind with no seats.

Like why make me stand a long way from Tampines to City Hall when I will be standing throughout my working hours.

So based on that, today will be an okay day, I feel. Will be a few hiccups here and there but as long as I am patient, it will be a manageable day.

So hopefully tonight I can get started on my to-do list. Plus I’m working at 1.30pm tomorrow instead of 12.30pm. So I’m good.

I hope I won’t be the main cashier today. Cashier support is fine by me but I don’t feel up to being the main cashier today. Although I must admit that the nice thing about cashiering duties is that time flies by like nobody’s business. Hahahaha!

We’ll see what I get today. Hopefully a nice schedule.

Anyway, you guys, have a great day ahead.

And Allah is Al-Jalil, the Majestic. – MM

I Ramble: 9 September 2017

In the name of Allah, the All-Compassionate, the All-Merciful.

I’m still alive. I’m just exhausted. Today is the fourth consecutive day of working so I’m absolutely knackered. Tomorrow is my off day, yay! I absolutely need the rest.

Gosh, I hope I can keep up today. I made a lot of mistakes the day before yesterday. However, I feel I performed better yesterday. So I want to keep that up.

Yesterday, I was assigned to do announcements. Announcements are done in the alteration room. The alteration aunty was around when I made my announcements and I received glowing praises from her about my announcements. Hahaha! So sweet of her. I told her I was still very nervous as it was only the third or fourth time of me doing it. When another colleague came in, the aunty jokingly said to him that I sounded better than him. Omo! He agreed with her. Double omo!

I just want to do my very best in what I do so I hope I will continue to progress in my work performance. People at work have been telling me that I am a good colleague and friend.

I guess I have not been believing in that and perhaps I should start believing in that no matter how life threatens to take that away from me.

Mistakes happen. Accept responsibility. Ask for forgiveness. Forgive others. And keep going.

And Allah is Al-Muqit, the Nourisher. – MM

I Ramble: 3 September 2017

In the name of Allah, the All-Compassionate, the All-Merciful.

SOOOOOOOOOOOOO….

I finally got done with a burden that has been hovering over me for the past few months. Yay!

However, that meant I’m left with only a $100 to spare. Gyabon.

So now, with my end of September pay, I will start settling my debts.

I decided to start with the nominal amounts first and then work my way up to settle more!

I owe my friend, K, $50.
I owe my friend, N, $100.
I owe IRAS for my income tax $208.13 due 6/10/17 after my request for an extension.
I owe my brother, Hakim, $250 in phone bills as at 3/9/17.
I owe my mum, Umi, $600 as at 3/9/17.
I owe Lagun Sari $3955 as at 2/9/17. Next payment of $1977.50 is due in February 2018. I need to set aside money for this starting from December 2017 latest.
I owe my education benefactor, W, $4300 as at 23/4/17.
I owe HDB $ 107,382.03 as at 30/8/17.

I still need money for wedding solemnisation and photography + videography package. Also SMC stuff.

Not to forget my Starhub bill for the home internet at $49.90 per month.

And Allah is Al-Hafiz, the Preserver, the Protector. – MM

I Ramble: 29 August 2017

In the name of Allah, the All-Compassionate, the All-Merciful.

Only one person saw that titleless post as a suicidal thought.

When I read it again, it looks very sad. I actually posted that thought on my FaceBook but I kept it privy to my eyes only. It just looks sadder. Whoever gets to take control of my FaceBook when I pass away, should just delete the account without going through all my posts. Save ye self.

No, it goes beyond superficial problems if that is what you’re thinking. It’s like having a cancerous cell that’s dormant. When it becomes malignant, the cancer gets active. When it is benign, it is inactive.

That is how I feel my so called depression is like: (I’m calling it ‘so called’ because remember, I am not formally diagnosed. It doesn’t feel fair nor right when there are people out there who are actually diagnosed with it.)

For me, it lies dormant until my body decides to activate it. It is kind of like having a cloud of darkness in the attic and when it is released, it creeps into every corner of your house and completely takes over it. And then you will have to try your best to chase it back to the attic at least, if you can’t shoo it away from your house. And it is a huge struggle trying to fight it off because it is not a physical entity. You can’t see it but you can feel it. And sometimes, the more you struggle with it, the more you lose yourself in its grip. It’s that futile attempt to overcome it only to end up being overpowered by it instead. And then you start to feel like letting go and giving in is easier than to struggle.

I really don’t like it. For as long as I could remember since I was a preschooler, I have been trying to deal with it. However, it has always been passed off as me being temperamental or sensitive.

I don’t know eh, if it is depression or bipolarism. One day I can feel so high that I can hear heaven (hehehe) and another day I can be so down in the dumps.

But I have always told myself firmly, those are just popular excuses for people to get away with their actions. I have always pride myself in taking responsibility for whatever shit that happens to me. Just suck it up, buttercup.

Just that it gets exhausting when your personal relationships are badly affected and when it affects your daily life. Like, I actually feel happy and my exterior shows I am happy but at the same time, I feel miserable somewhere inside and I just want to cry.

It’s just so weird to exist in dual planes of emotions. And exhausting.

Right now, I’m reeling from the aftermath of that spell. I’m trying to open up more cracks for the light outside to permeate into my house of darkness to shoo it away.

That “light” would be encouragement from people around me, their nice gestures, their laughter, their happiness and appreciation towards me, and my memories. My memories of le fiancé are really the bulk of my saving grace when I managed to get moments of recollection.

Like precious seconds for actions you need to take that determine life and death.

Memories like waiting for him at the playground of my old workplace and smiling at him as he approaches me. He told me before it was one of his favourite images of me. It is a special memory because at that time we were not a couple yet but were close to being one.

So yeah. 🙂

And Allah is Ar-Rahim, the All-Merciful. May He have mercy on my condemned soul. – MM

I Ramble: 26 August 2017

In the name of Allah, the All-Compassionate, the All-Merciful.

It has been a huge struggle trying to come to terms with reality.

I think all these while I have not accepted wholly my fate.

I have been crying for the past three hours and still am.

Maybe I’ll stop once I have fully embraced my life.

I am shouldering the financial burdens for myself, for him, and for my family.

That’s it. That’s all there is to it.

I truly regretted not working part-time today for $50 cash. I could have used the cash and I could have saved myself from the massive heartache right now.

Do you know why I accepted retail work with long hours?

Because it is my way of running away from reality. From the pressures of time. Time just passes by when I’m working. From the pressures of home. Nobody will have an issue about me being unemployed.

All I wanted to do today was to rest my weary body and soul.

But not everyone could respect that.

And almost unfairly, it led to me being disrespectful when I swear, I tried my best not to be.

But my efforts were futile.

But all were said and done. I can only get on with things.

I think now, I’ll just work on my off days just to get away from everything and to help my finances.

My family never has to know how much I looked forward to the birthday celebration all day…but my mood just spoilt everything…because my mood was spoilt by something ai did not know how to manage. And now my family hates me for not being appreciative.

And now I absolutely hate myself for that.

And hence, why I just want to make myself scarce in their lives.

I think, it’s better I stay away from them. They’ll be happier without me.

So note to self, just accept any good work that comes my way on my off days.

And Allah is Al-Haqq, the Truth, the Real. – MM

I Ramble: 24 August 2017

In the name of Allah, the All-Compassionate, the All-Merciful.

So! I haven’t been following my daily schedule and I haven’t been doing the stuff I was supposed to do. *smacks forehead*

But! I have learnt the importance of not having a self-defeatist attitude. So just carry on with the plan, even if you didn’t carry it out as planned.

Basically today is supposed to be reading day but in my haste to pack for chalet at the Changi Civil Service Club, I forgot to bring a book with me. Hence, I’m blogging on the train now on the way to work. I’m working from 12.30pm to 11pm today. Will have to try to catch the last bus to Changi Village Terrace from Tampines Interchange, which leaves at 0015 hours. If not, I will have to cab from Pasir Ris, which will be costly.

Yesterday was Rubber Bandits day but I ended up doing more SMC stuff. So yeah, I didn’t get to follow my schedule but at least I got a few things done here and there such as the proposal to our supplier and even standardised the product codes with the guys.

Anyway, since I couldn’t read a book, I will get on with reading up on UNIQLO’s HEATTECH products. I need to be tested on it anyway.

That’s all from me. Just spending my last day as a 27-year-old, which has been quite a ride. 27 is the age when I finally got a boyfriend, found my forever, and basically went through a few huge transitions, including being a boss of a clothing company. Alhamdulillah for all that is good and astaghfirullah for all that is bad.

I’m going to nap in the train now. Getting old! Hahaha! Have a good day, everyone!

And Allah is Ar-Rahman, the All-Compassionate. – MM