Ending My 32nd Year of Living; I Ramble: 24 August 2022

In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful.

Just had a desire to blog although I do not really have any objective or story to share.

I guess, my 32nd year of living went by pretty fast and it had been pretty hectic.

A lot of ups and a lot of downs.

Said goodbyes and hellos.

I feel like I have not achieved any of my goals. Sadly. However, I am not going to beat myself up for that. I did what I could. I survived the way I could.

Do I feel like I have grown? Funnily enough, yes, I do feel that way despite not achieving my 2022 goals. I got to see a side of me that I never thought was possible — working three jobs! My goodness.

I am not sure if I get to trim it down to two because we still need to have some money rolling in.

I will have to play by ear.

Still, if there is one thing I would like to focus on is to get into the routine of waking up at 5am in the morning.

I have no choice but to do so because that is the only way I can ensure I will be punctual for my first two jobs. I really want to knock out early at night instead of sleeping late. I want to ensure that my body is properly rejuvenated, especially seeing how I am not allowing myself to have any off days.

Wake me up when September ends? Haha!

Anyway, here’s a favourite tune of mine to round up the end of my journey as a 32-year-old and to kick off my life as a 33-year-old.

I want to continue living happily. I am determined to live happily. Whatever happens, whatever comes, I will face with bravery and kindness.

Thank you, everyone, for always rooting for me and giving me the silent support I need.

May the Lord have mercy on my soul!

And Allah is Al-Haseeb, The Reckoner. – MM

Talking To Myself; I Ramble: 19 August 2022

In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful.

I do not like talking to people because sometimes their reactions can be off-putting or their thoughts are not aligned with my principles.

However, I have a natural human need to talk things out.

Therefore, the solution for people like me who are unable to find that satisfaction in talking things out with other people is to blog or write in a journal or just talk to one’s self.

I used to write in a journal before the age of Internet and blogging. Now that I have blogging at my disposal, it is how I try to process my thoughts without having to filter out so much shit.

I acknowledge I have this insane need to tell someone like, hey, this thing happened and it sucks and I just wanted to tell you what I feel about it. On the other hand, at the same time, I am not looking for anyone’s opinion. I just want to be heard.

Why is that so hard for people to do for me? Lelz.

Anyway, I just wanted to let out that the pain in both of my feet are acting up really badly now. They used to just ache at the end of both weekend days that I work but now the pain is persisting throughout the week. The pain is especially at my heels. I guess my heavy footing, cheap footwear and the standing/walking nature of my weekend jobs are really chipping away at my foot health. I finally begged my husband to give me his cushiony insoles that he got from Decathlon. Hopefully, that will ease my pain throughout this weekend. We shall see.

I wish I could get a break. I guess this is why people need off days. I can already feel my sharpness falling by 60% and I am just mentally not there when it comes to paying attention to things and people. Social interactions feel burdensome. Social requests become mammoth tasks. I am not even in the mood for my upcoming birthday, which is about six days away, I reckon.

That’s the first gripe.

The second point of contention is why the hell does Singapore think I do not deserve a minimum $4000 paycheck and kept on pushing me to settle for less? Do I really have to stick my paper qualifications onto my face? Write the years of work experience on my cheeks? Must they really tell me how they had to fight for me so that I can earn that job?

Fuck.

I can work like a dog but I hate being treated like a dog expected to sit, stay, and roll over on command.

This blog post is a much needed reliever because damn, I have so much aggression, frustration, and resentment. These mental walls can only hold so much turbulent thoughts.

I am tired. I am unwell. I am in pain. I badly want to date my husband but there is just no energy and time for a date. There are mean people out there. People are attacking our integrity without checking themselves first. I am really starting to bear a lot of grudges and resentment now because I have been so great at taking things in my stride and absorbing a lot of negativity from stupid people.

Gah. Urgh. Mergh. Grrr. Raaghh.

Gosh, I feel so much better after blowing off some steam. Now, I am going to stress-eat some Maggi noodles and just watch some Arsenal documentary series thingy on Prime Amazon.

So long, suckers.

And Allah is Al-Muqeet, The Sustainer. – MM

There Is Just No Time To Die; I Ramble: 17 August 2022

In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful.

I do not think I have watched any of the Bond movies in their entirety. In fact, I can barely recall any snippets. Weirdly, I feel like watching them after stumbling upon Billie Eilish’s take on the Bond theme.

I have enjoyed Adele’s but I have to say, as someone who does not follow Billie Eilish, she did a great take on the Bond theme. There is the theme of betrayal in it, which adds to the idea of a hero’s pain. So this tops Adele’s Skyfall.

I even want to learn to play this song on the ukulele. I found a really good ukulele cover on YouTube.

The other ukulele guides are not as flavourful as the above.

I hope I can carve out some time for this because at the rate I am going about my life, there is just no time to die.

And Allah is Al-Hafeedzh, The Preserver. – MM

My Mind in Muharram; I Ramble: 5 August 2022

In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful.

I feel tired.

I feel frazzled.

A little scattered.

My body is totally aching and sick.

My mind is completely all over the place so I take back on what I said earlier — being a little scattered. Clearly, I am more than just a little scattered.

I guess that is because I do not really have time for myself. My body is pretty much falling apart on its own.

I know my body is still living but my mind is sort of dying. It has been shutting down a lot. I have not been able to actively listen and retain information. Most times I have no idea what the person is conveying to me and had to just guess my way around. It is getting pretty bad but weirdly it feels normal.

Of course, it is not something I should normalise.

I am pretty sure this sentiment is thematic throughout the many donkey years of my blog’s existence. Like what’s new? Haha!

Just a quick hello post before saying goodbye to try and get back to turning my life around for the umpteenth time. HAHA.

So long, suckers!

And Allah is Al-Kabeer, The Most Great. – MM

Hello, July 2022; I Ramble: 1 July 2022

In the name of Allah, The Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

Yooooooooooo….itta meeeeee….

How was your first day of July? Today was a pretty hectic day of work. I’m really tired out by the day’s load. I’m very upset that I missed out on my first two obligatory prayers. Going to really get back to waking up at 5am because that has been my goal since foreverrrr! I still have another 6 months of the year to cement the routine of waking up at 5am. My problem is that I’m always thinking, “What the hell am I doing waking up at 5am? My body is crying out for sleep!”

So I really want to achieve that. I believe once I can achieve that, I can pretty much achieve everything else because things will just fall into place once I am consistent with the time I create for myself and once I am consistent with my daily prayers. It’s that easy to be honest. Just a matter of executioning the plan.

As you can see, I only managed to do 5 of the 10 things I wanted to do. To be fair, I took longer than I anticipated to iron our clothes for a wedding tomorrow because — get this — I had to clean the iron and the ironing board beforehand. That’s how long they have been in storage. Geez. I was already tired from work and then I became even more tired out by the ironing shindig. Goodness. But oh, well. At least I managed to force myself to get 5 things done today. It feels like an accomplishment for me because I usually just don’t do anything when I feel tired. I’ll end up watching videos and playing games to just unwind. I definitely feel more productive today than I usually am so that’s good. I’m happy with that. Although it was not a great start to July 2022, it was a better start than previous starts. I will set tomorrow’s goals tomorrow, in the morning, because I want to approach the day with a fresher mind.

And Allah is Al-‘Alee, The Most Exalted. – MM

End of April, End of Ramadan Soon; I Ramble: 30 April 2022

In the name of Allah, The Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

Hola! Yo yo yo.

If you have not caught wind of it yet, well, I have COVID again! For the second time!

Lies we have been told about this virus, seriously.

Unfortunately for me, when my husband contracted it a week ago, I contracted it as well. He was lucky enough to have eluded it when I first had it last year. Why could I not have the same luck? Could have made some money now that our livelihood depends on our ability to earn. Tsk tsk.

So that kind of surmises Ramadan for me. I learnt that perfection is not the key to Ramadan. It is patience. We so often think that it is all about being the best Muslim, maintaining the good habits we have planned out for a highly successful Ramadan, and ensuring we made good planning to secure all that. However, what happens when our perfect plans get screwed up? What if we were thrown a curveball in life? Does the perfect Ramadan only exist for Muslims in perfect circumstances? Is a successful Ramadan equivalent to a perfect Ramadan?

Hence, given all that has happened this month, the opportunities to do good that I have squandered, the time I have wasted, the things I had to go through and endure, I must say that this has been quite a haphazard Ramadan for me. I thought I could end strong but it looks like I could only end weakly with this virus living inside me now. The virus itself is only one of the many diseases residing in my body right now. I have a lot to work on.

Still, I will be patient and finish it as well as I can, even if I cannot finish it strongly.

I am still working on fixing my relationship with Allah. The ‘A’ that I need to prioritise before my ‘A’. It is tricky because sometimes I have to prioritise my ‘A’ in prioritising the ‘A’. It is all about defining the priorities. If you cannot be clear on what they are, that’s where you feel lost in life. You do not know which direction to head towards. I want to be smarter in prioritising.

Well, today is a day of reality check. It has been 72 hours since I tested positive so if I test negative today, I can be released back into the world. LOL. If not, I will have to check on Day 7 at 12pm, which is on Eid itself. Sucks, right? Haha. Happy CovEID to my husband and I!

Besides that, I need to jump back on this bandwagon called life.

I do not know why I have this sense of being disrespected. I have this tingling feeling that someone or some people out there have been disrespecting me. It could also be possible that I have been squashing out whatever form of disrespect I have experienced over the years that I finally imploded and am only feeling all that now.

I find it disrespectful when women come in between myself and my good men. This has happened multiple times in my life. Of course, while it could always be a play of fate, I always like to take a little bit of responsibility at least. I allowed myself to be disrespected by these women. I have decided I do not want anymore of that.

I find it disrespectful when men decided I am not good enough for anything under the sun. This has happened so many times in my life that it is almost rhetorical sometimes, the way things would end up. Again, while the circumstances may not be favourable for me, I had allowed myself to be disrespected by these men. I have decided I do not want anymore of that as well.

I have a lot of work to do. I realise the playing field will never ever be level. If I want to play the game, I have to play at the level they dictate before I am able to gain control of the game and switch it to my tempo instead.

I do not want to play the game but if I do not, I will forever be disrespected. Playing the game is tiring but I am more tired of being disrespected at this point.

Just gotta keep working.

And Allah is Al-‘Adl, The Utterly Just. – MM

Wasted Day; I Ramble: 24 April 2022

In the name of Allah, The Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

I think I slept from 2.30am to 6.30pm today. I could not really remember at exactly what time I fell asleep. I only remember waking up with the worst backache and getting really confused as to whether I had woken up at 6.30am or was it really 6.30pm.

That makes it 16 hours of my hibernation. I did not know that a simple sore throat pill could knock me out cold like that. Maybe it was a multitude of factors besides feeling ill such as feeling beat from travelling 3 hours a day for work. Such as doing house chores after work in the evenings. Maybe my body is trying to fight my husband’s COVID so hard that it used up whatever energy I have left.

I only know that I did not enjoy missing out on 16 hours of time I could have spent working on my projects.

And that just sends me on a downward spiral from there. I feel lethargic and I do not feel like I am up for anything much right now except to just kick back. It is not healthy, definitely.

But my body is not cooperating with whatever instructions my mind is yelling at it.

I do not know how to treat this. Do I take it as an off day? Am I allowed to rest this much? Am I entitled to rest this much? Or am I supposed to feel guilty? To wallow in self-pity? Such a familiar taste of poison.

If there is anything Ramadan has taught me, it is not about how you started. Sure, it helps your chances. You get an advantage for starting off anything well. However, it is also about how you finish. The unpronounced mercy from our Maker – redemption. We all crave redemption. Even heroes. Even heroes are prone to mistakes and most certainly look for redemption when they make mistakes.

With about eight more days of Ramadan left, and boy, has it whizzed by, what can I do to redeem myself from the wrongs I have committed? Get me out of my slump, please.

That is just it, is it not? We all have to be our own heroes because in the end, we have to face things all alone once soul is separated from body. In that moment, we each know what we had done.

A, sometimes I really wish you would discipline me more. But we both know that if you do that, I might feel like I am less of my own person. And we both know how important it is to me that I feel like I am my own person. It is why you married me in the first place. I am my own person.

And so I should start saving myself.

And I can do that.

Because I am my own person.

And Allah is Al-Hakam, The Impatial Judge. – MM