Alone…or Not?

I have been feeling very alone since 19 March 2026, the day of my surgery. The person I had hoped to be there the most for me, failed me. He chose to stay at home instead of seeing me at the hospital then accused me of not staying longer so he could visit. That’s when I realised if he wanted to, he would have. Just like how if I wanted to, I did. I have put myself at inconvenience many times just to be present for him. I set aside my fatigue, I set aside my health, and I set aside my pride. Just to be there for him. When I woke up to that realisation, I felt something in me changed and I knew I was never going to be the same again.

Throughout this recovery period, all I have been getting from him are unkind and thoughtless remarks about me being lazy and inactive. There was no proper check-in as to how I was actually feeling and doing and no gentle support to encourage me to get through my difficult days. He called almost everyday but I simply steered those conversations towards himself, towards his day, and towards his life. I did not tell him what I have been up to, all the walks I have been doing either in the morning or evening, and that I even took part in my first walk event. How I actually felt about having to participate in walk events instead of run events. How I felt about being slower than the aunties during the walk event. This whole thing has been taking a mental toll on me, and I have been doing my best to disallow myself from feeling stressed out. I just find that stress will sabotage my recovery. And by golly, it did. I was often constipated. It disrupted my sleep pattern. It exhausted my body to the point where I kept sleeping the whole day and then I would be unable to sleep the whole night. I’m just glad the doctor decided to extend my hospital leave by another two weeks upon review last Friday and that’ll give me the time I need to readjust.

Then I think earlier this week he mentioned he was craving for IKEA meatballs and so he wanted to have lunch there with his younger brother and sort of asked me to go on Saturday, which was yesterday. I thought, why not, since it will be good for me to try going further beyond my neighbourhood. A good way to prepare me for my return to the workplace. Right before I left the house, he had asked me to check if there was a bicycle parking bay or to ask the security guard if he roll his foldie in. Honestly, the request didn’t sit quite well with me but luckily, when I was planning my journey, I saw that the building did have a bicycle parking space. I timed my travel perfectly. By right, we would have arrived together but his bicycle had a mishap (he had been cycling from home) so that delayed their arrival. I waited in IKEA patiently at the sofa section (so I could sit). However, the courtesy of informing me that he had arrived was not extended to me. Then I was fired with a barrage of directions as to where they had been sitting at in the restaurant. I obviously could not find them because only the Lord knows how unclear his instructions were. Plus, IKEA was not exactly my playground. How would I know the layout perfectly? Honestly, at that point, I just wanted to give up and go home. The crowd was starting to overwhelm me but I stuck it out and managed to find his brother. I also almost gave up the prospect of eating due to the long lines but I decided to try and brave it. I almost stepped out of the queue at one point because I was starting to feel discomfort from having to stand too long. Luckily, I managed to distract my mind so I managed to complete my purchase. By then, I was already hunched over my food trolley and was breathing through the pain as I returned to their table. All that did was implant an image of me being an old aunty busser in their minds. I didn’t bother disputing it and I let it slide off. It was nice of him to ask if I needed the toilet and waited for me to use it. But after that, it didn’t feel nice anymore. He walked super fast, a speed I normally would be able to keep up with but because of my operation, I can’t walk as fast as I usually could. His brother noticed and decided to slow down and accompany me because he could see I was struggling. In the end, it was just his brother who accompanied me to get some organisers. I wanted to help him find the tools he needed to fix his bike but his brother told me had already bought it was already at the bicycle bay fixing it. So fine, we headed to the checkout. I was more than happy to pay for his brother’s ice cream at the end of my shopping journey as he had been a kind friend. I’m just glad that I had managed to establish a good relationship with his brother or else I would have found myself alone again. Imagine carving out time to turn up for people only to have them leave you to your device. His brother encouraged me to return home after he managed to get the ice cream he wanted as he could see that I was struggling a lot. I said goodbye to his brother then I went off without making an effort to say goodbye to him in person. Plus, my bus was arriving anyway. At that point, I had learned my lesson. He chose his bike. I chose my bus. From my point of view, it would have been a lovely day if it had been the three of us looking at organisers then looking for the bike tools and then getting ice cream. Sadly, his worry of having his bike stolen took priority. And to rub salt on the wound, he even took a posed picture of himself with his bike and posted it online.

And that’s when I found out he had followed this girl on Instagram, again, whom I specifically had an issue with because of the manner in which she interacted with him, “Pat my pussy.” Friends don’t interact in a certain way. And he was more than happy to keep on interacting with all these girls that showed interest with him. He had said before that they are all his friends. That was simply his nature. It was at this point where I decided to stop caring so much about it. I mean, he is right. He is free to befriend all the girls he wants in this world. I am not his girlfriend. He acknowledged he felt something for me but he refused to make me his girlfriend because I am 12 years older than him and that he simply wasn’t into a relationship because he was still young. So I don’t have any rights to restrict him from befriending all these younger girls. And sadly for me, this “I am still young” mentality perhaps just led him to keeping an open net in his pond and have access to as many fishes as possible. It is what it is, it’s just how guys are when they feel they have all the time in the world or when they don’t feel 100% about a woman. The best part is, my instincts were telling me something was up because I kept seeing this girl, that he has added on his Discord server, online. Now, I am no saint and at this point of you reading this, you can pretty much tell how much of an asshole I am in real life. I decided to leave his Discord server for my own peace of mind because seeing her online at the sidebar of his server just irks me. Protecting my peace is now my priority because it just never is his priority.

It sucks feeling alone. I know I’m not lonely. I just feel alone. I feel alone in my recovery journey. I started thinking, perhaps this is what Allah wants for me. To just experience my journey alone. To not give space for people to say they play a part in my recovery. Perhaps his plan is for me to rediscover and keep my mental strength. No matter what happens, no matter how alone I feel, I can overcome this difficulty. Now I truly believe more than ever that I will hit my prime at 40 years old. For now, these few years before that milestone, it is all about working on myself and solidifying my individual identity and being.

Just as I was stewing in my sadness, my dear friend reached out to me. I had kept him in the loop about my health condition because he was a former paramedic so he knew how to read medical reports and informed me on the things I was unclear on. While I was still at the hospital and did not have somebody I was comfortable talking to, I texted him to update him. At the same time, he shared with me grave news of his health condition. However, he had been silent afterwards. Imagine my surprise when he reached out to check on me, to see how I was doing. Refreshing, really. I found out that he had gotten his treatment but the results were still inconclusive. Then I decided to share with him about someone from my past reconnecting with me. I think I have been keeping to myself too much that when someone holds space for me to let them in for a bit, I decided to take it. He offered his opinion on the matter and then we talked about Peaky Blinders, a show we both love. Then that’s when I felt, I don’t have to feel alone anymore in my recovery journey. Now I have someone who could relate, who understands the nuances of recovering, and share some empathy with me. That made me feel a whole lot better. He thanked me for sparing some of my time to listen to him, to allow him to talk about his current medical journey. I just find that strange because for me, it’s just what friends do. He’s not the type to reply fast or often and most of the time he’s silent but I think, if I were to feel the need to share about my recovery experiences, I think I will just share with him. I don’t need him to respond if he doesn’t want to, especially given what he’s going through is far worse than what I’m going through. I hope we get to meet again and spend some time together with our mutual friend this October and just celebrate being alive.

I hope we both come out of our respective challenges victorious. If not, at least one of us must win in life.

And Allah is Al-Khaliq, The Creator. – MM