Am I Supposed To Work Myself To Exhaustion?; I Ramble: 28 November 2021

In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful.

One of those days whereby I feel like I am out of control again.

I mean, how am I supposed to do anything when all I feel is tired?

Seriously, help la.

I am so behind my Great Eastern Women’s virtual run (see, you do not even know I participated in a local virtual run) because I have been so knackered from work that I don’t even have the desire to blog.

I don’t know, maybe aiming for the 4am club is not realistic? I think I have done better when I was aiming for the 5am club, and that was when things started working in my favour. Like meeting my husband, doing extremely well in my job, and I developed a very good habit of reading the Quran after Subuh prayers, which lasts to even today.

Okay, so 5am club it is.

I am giving myself until my 5th anniversary of my full-time job to see if I want to continue or if I had outgrown it. I feel like I’m starting to outgrow it. I am all for working hard together but when some things start not to make sense and you start getting frustrated because of that, then it is probably an indication that people are not meeting your wavelength anymore. So the synergy is gone.

As for my part-time job, I really need to pick up the slack. I need to force myself to generate that weekly report I owe my boss and start replying to his emails on time. I’m giving myself a deadline: tonight at 11pm. And I’ll need to complete the content creation by tonight at midnight.

Side note: I think I might be addicted to coconut water because I am craving for some right now but it’s still breakfast time.

As for all other commitments: 4V77V, Great Eastern Women’s Run 2021, Jenazah Management Course, Metropolitan Muslimah, Ruudee Huudee, Smiling Greens, Street MOB Clothing, and The Conqueror Virtual Challenge: Flower Route — I have yet to figure out the best way to go about this because I really do not have the luxury of time to fit everything into my schedule on a daily basis.

Even Jim Gillette of Nitro practised his vocals for 3-6 hours daily. How am I supposed to carve out that time on my work day?!

Headache. Maybe I’ll just have to do a little bit of everything and rotate one thing that I’ll give more attention to.

I can’t think of a better idea for now.

Let’s just run with this right now.

And Allah is Al-Quddus, The Absolutely Pure. – MM

What is Akhlaq?; I Ramble: 22 November 2021

In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful.

Firstly, happy birthday to my younger sister, Hidayah! Please extend your prayers to her so she may lead a good and fulfilling life. Amin.

Okay, I am still trying to get back into the groove of things after being COVID- but I feel like I got thrown under the wheel of life and I feel like I have been ground into so many pieces. I am so scattered. I am aching all over. I fell sick immediately after I got better. I really do not like feeling this way.

I also absolutely hate working now. I just really do. I think being kept away from work only made me realise what exactly I want to do in life and what type of work I will actually enjoy doing.

Recently, I have also learnt about the type of project personality I possess, which is Hardball Mission Specialist. Basically, come hell or high water, I am keen on completion.

That does not bode well for me because I put more than 100% into the work I am committed to, to the point where I am totally tapped out by the time I come out of it.

I am so tired all the time and so lazy to do anything. I am just forcing myself here to do things I do not even want to do. But this is life. It gets really hard for me so the best way to deal with it is to just go harder at it.

I feel like I have talked about this a million times on my blog but I still need to let this frustration out because I do not talk to people about this kind of things that goes on within myself. Whenever I need an outlet, this blog is one of those outlets I go to.

Headache.

Anyway, today I discover that I am not familiar with the 99 Names of Allah. I think that shall be my sole focus for the rest of 2021. A servant needs her master.

I am trying to work on myself as a Muslim. Did you know that Akhlaq aka the moral education equivalent in Islam is a huge aspect of the religion? A lot of people are so zoned in onto the philosophical and practical aspects of Islam that they lose sight of the characteristics a Muslim should have. That is how you get radicals and haters of the religion. They lack the knowledge of Akhlaq that Islam teaches. And whose fault is that? We can blame a lot of external factors but to a certain degree, I feel responsible for my inability to display exemplary manners befitting of a Muslim. The following clip carried a profound effect for me when Akhlaq is explained as the ability to do good to others even when others are not good to you.

And that is very very hard to do. It is the fallacy of human beings to think that good manners is simply being good to people in general and being reciprocating.

By right, if anyone should know I am a Muslim, they should immediately know I am an exceptional human being. Unfortunately, I have been so incapable of doing so that I am definitely one of those people who give my religion a bad name.

Haiy haiy haiy sigh pie.

I can only keep trying.

“Manners maketh Man.”

And Allah is Al-Malik, The King and Owner of Dominion. – MM

COVID+; I Ramble: 12 November 2021

In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful.

121121.

Nice date, right? I think I chose an auspicious date to finally break the news. Joke.

I was tested positive on 6 November 2021 for COVID-19.

What a life, right? What a life.

I have too many sins, that is why I have this disease.

It is a great opportunity for me to work on myself as a Muslim.

And I have had the time to refocus; sorted out my priorities.

And I even created a manifest of sorts! I hope I can achieve that balance I seek.

Now it is all about executing but COVID-19 is aggressive. Well, actually in my case, it is more passive aggressive. It creeps up on me and then disappears and then creeps up on me and then disappears again.

I think I have a knack for making difficult things look easy. I don’t think people understand this. They think I have a wonderful life now.

Well, I do have it better than most and I am grateful.

But I should not have to look pitiful all the time, right? I do not think that is a good look on me.

I do not neccessarily feel the need to appear strong all the time. I am only human. But I think there are people out there with worse COVID-19 infections and have lost their beloved to the virus so let me just recover quietly and not be dramatic about it.

So yeah just wanted to mention my COVID+ status as a memory, which is going to stay with me.

And Allah is Ar-Raheem, The Most Merciful. – MM

Flower Route of The Conqueror Virtual Challenges; I Challenge: 13 October 2021

In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful.

I realised I have not been documenting my journey in The Conqueror Virtual Challenges (https://www.theconqueror.events/). So here it is for posterity.

I have signed up for the Flower Route (https://www.theconqueror.events/flower/), simply because it was on discount when I wanted to participate in TCVC.

I have been pretty committed to it. I have been running twice a week for the past month now. Not bad, right?

This is my race bib:

Yeah, I registered a while back but have only started to work on it seriously when I found out that I am borderline overweight!

So I was hoping to achieve at least 59kg by the end of the 66km Flower Route Challenge. I think I can do it. I have been pretty disciplined and consistent.

Here is a quick look at my twice-a-week progress: https://www.instagram.com/stories/highlights/17897104547344765/

Continue to follow my instagram story to view the progress of my challenge.

Right now, I am medically unfit to run but I really really want to run. Maybe I got a little addicted to it. I really need to rest my body. I have over exherted it from work. It has been physically daunting.

When my medical leave ends on the 14th, I am going to resume running on the 15th. I cannot wait to reap the rewards of consistent running.

And Allah is Ar-Rahmaan, The Most Merciful. – MM

Looking For Huda; I Ramble: 8 October 2021

In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful.

I am pleased to report that setting my silent alarms faster actually helps!

I could finally find the time for me to perform my prayers at work because I was able to quickly wrap up the task I was working on before proceeding to pray.

There were occasional blips where I would miss one prayer. So now I’m now working on ensuring that I get zero missed prayers.

I really do not know how to explain the uniqueness of my position at work. Maybe it would be easier if I describe myself as a key personnel that is not indispensable. Anyone may still replace me. The workplace will never die without me. It will still carry on. Business as usual. So this is one of the hard truths that motivate me to not compromise my spirituality.

Yeah, colleagues keep looking for me sometimes, even during moments that are inconvenient for me. Like when I am trying to eat or when I am trying to take a piss.

I guess it is a good thing I do not have to look for myself. I just need to look for the way out of each of my struggles.

I hope work will be bearable today. I gotta pull a longer shift for a few days this week so I can attend my family members’ birthday party this Saturday.

And Allah is All-Knowing. – MM

Hyped Brain; I Ramble: 6 October 2021

In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful.

I received a wake up call last Friday night during my funeral course. The Prophet (pbuh) had mentioned that when we die, we will die with the one we like the most during our lifetime.

For example, if we idolise a celebrity, when we are about to die, we may sing the celebrity’s favourite song with our final breath.

Needless to say, if we enjoy reading the Quran, we may recite our favourite verses with our final breath. What a way to die. I want that.

So that made rethink the current state I am in. I am constantly thinking about work. Every time I am supposed to rest, my mind starts to whisper, “We can rest after we do this one thing”. I realised as well I have neglected my prayers completely at work. I find it very hard to sneak away to pray, always consumed in the thought of lack of time to complete a task.

That is when I realised my strategy has been wrong. I have set silent alarms on my Fitbit as reminders for me to pray but I had set them later than ideal. I would be in the middle of a task, which I could not complete in 5 minutes so by the time I had wrapped things up, it was time for another prayer. And then I would move onto another task instead of praying, thinking I would still have to time to make it for that prayer. And then it is just a vicious cycle.

So I have to end that vicious cycle. End of story.

And Allah is the best. – MM