In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful.
I decided to blog daily during Ramadan because I need an outlet. So badly. I am dealing with a lot of things and unfortunately, I cannot lean on anyone. I am trying my best to soldier on as far as I can in this journey of life. Suffering is such a lonely journey, no matter who you have around you. You are facing shit alone in your difficult times and no one can face it for you. They can face it with you, if they choose to that is, but they cannot face it for you.
Firstly, my intention for this Ramadan is to push myself to fix myself. I am pretty broken and burnt out. I barely recognise myself anymore. I worked too hard for too long yet I still have to work even harder and even longer. Everything has basically gone to shit and I basically froze. Apparently, there are four types of responses to conflicts: fight, flight, freeze, and fawn. I identify most with the freeze response. I get bewildered, I get clueless, and I get dazed. I could never really figure out what to do and I let myself get stuck in the situation. In order for me to get out of this self-spun web of misery, I have decided to show my gratitude to Allah by putting what He has given me to good use and taking care of His gifts to me.
For example, my body, although badly abused by my negligence and subjected to a lot of hard labour work, is still in good shape to help people around me. Also my personality, although not the loudest nor most outgoing, has placated enough people to make them feel comfortable around me. It feels really good to be in a workplace where people from all departments are willing to say hi to you or offer a smile or wave. I feel like a rockstar to be honest. All these are thanks to Allah. He has allowed me to be who and what I am now. He has made it easier for me to socialise and interact with people now. I just need to keep on putting my foot forward and not waste the chances He give me.
As such, I finally took the time to groom myself in the morning. I feel 10 times lighter and I feel sexier. I think feeling sexy is important to me. People at my workplace kept thinking I am in my twenties. They cannot believe I am in my thirties. You know what? It feels good every time people think I am younger than my actual age. :p
I even did chores before I went to work. Got some groceries and cleaned the toilet seat and bowl. How about that?
I did not get to achieve all that I aimed to get done in the morning but I feel rather proud of myself for being able to do more than I usually would. I even managed to pray Terawih and Witr at the workplace. Feels great to start off Ramadan on the front foot.
I hope to continue pushing myself throughout the month. I wanna continue my Quran reading routine in the morning as well later today.
Ya Allah, let me die a Muslim because that would mean I died grateful to You.
And Allah is Ar-Rahmaan, The Most Beneficent. – MM