We All Need Clarity

In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful.

“It is written.”

Words that saved me over and over again, ever since I finally decided to listen to those words by my manager when he told me for the second time.

Maybe what I’m really struggling with is the realisation that I am tougher and braver than I would give myself credit for.

And that is scary. To me, at least.

Today, a former teammate had to tell me that I should give myself more credit. I was in denial that I had won the Most Valuable Player award in my department. I just don’t think I measure up to anything in life.

Even the former MVP awardee of my department congratulated me and told me to believe in my victory. It was after all what the majority voted.

I truly hope that I can continue carrying the faith that the people around me have in me. It makes me realise that truly I am accountable for every mistake and goodness I do.

Nurul Huda, if you have not heard this yet, I love you for the person you are and the better person you will be.

It is okay to hurt as long as there is clarity in the reasons and there is clarity in your intention to move forward bravely in life.

May Allah guide us all.

And Allah is Ar-Raheem, The Most Merciful. – MM

Happy 2024, A Little Belated But Not For The Chinese! :P

In the name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful.

Hello! I find it kind of strange that as I was struggling to form the words for a new blog post, the previous post pretty much nailed it for me.

I guess, even time could not heal me. My feelings are still more or less the same.

I think though, I need more time for myself. Actually, mostly to forgive myself.

To tell myself, “It is written.”

As painful and as conclusive it was, it was written.

And I have to be at peace with it.

Looking back and looking at myself, I have loved a lot and I have lost a lot.

I still feel like I am losing a lot.

How does one get back to the way things were?

One cannot because it never will be the same again.

I have to be brave again. I have to be brave in allowing myself to get hurt again. I have to be brave in facing the ramifications of my decision. I have to be brave in facing myself and forgiving myself.

I can only do my best in doing what is good.

And for that, I have to be brave too.

I have to be brave to laugh again.

I have to be brave to live again.

I have to be brave to love again.

And be loved in return.

My Lord, please grant me the strength I need to be brave again.

Here is my journey as a newly divorced person to becoming a woman turning 35. May I live to see it. May I be better than who I was.

And braver.

And Allah is Ar-Rahmaan, The Most Gracious. – MM

A Puro Dolor

Sometimes I want to give up.

Sometimes I wish I am not me.

Sometimes I feel backed into a corner with no way out.

Sometimes I struggle a lot with all these negative feelings.

It gets overwhelming. It gets painful. It gets tiresome.

The urge to just run away and restart still lingers.

However, I have learned to be practical.

Even as I give up, nothing changes. Nothing good comes to this world.

Even as I become a completely different person, my situation remains the same.

Even as I try to carve my way into a new world order, I still find my core unshaken and my principles unyielding.

Even as I try to tell my feelings to others, there is either no time to unpack them or no active listening.

I feel like I am fighting a losing battle but I still fight nonetheless because it is the only way I know how to live at this point.

Should I even leave this country and rebuild a new life, whatever is bothering me will still follow me and I will only feel more alone than ever.

In the battle for my self-preservation, unfortunately, I keep hurting myself by the knowledge of having been hurt and the knowledge of hurting others. It is a fight I cannot win but necessary.

Will I be alright after this? What will become of me when the judgment finally passes upon us?

I think what I really want is a lot of comfort and not having to be the strong one anymore.

Because each night I taste the purest of pain.

Happy Holidays.

And Allah is Ar-Rasheed, The Guide. – MM

Checking In

Bismillah.

HELLO!!!!

I ISSA HEREEEEEEE!!!!

That’s two months of not blogging and here I am trying of something to post. I’m not a very interesting person but well, let’s whip something out of the blue.

How are you? Better than me, I hope. I’ve been stricken with food poisoning for the N-th time in my life yet it’s always quite an experience each time. It’s okay! I’ve finally got myself some charcoal pills that I quite swear by so hopefully I will be done with this malaise soon because I have a lot of work to do!

There is something deeply personal that I’ve been holding back, that I’ve to keep holding back until everything’s cast in stone and then maybe I’ll get to briefly mention it. Maybe.

Right now, I’m kind of living like a driftwood. I’m not really sure of what exactly I’m supposed to do, feel, or think at this point so I’m just trying to, as much as possible, preserve myself at least.

Ew, the cramps are coming back again, ew.

Right now, I just want to get well, really quickly and get back up on my feet again. Be myself again. Make music again. At least sing again. Life has been difficult but kind. I mean, I’m still alive. He’s still merciful towards me as ever but it’s me who hasn’t been as compassionate towards myself.

Also trying not to throw a pity party for myself because as much as I don’t favour it, I tend to do it. Tsk, tsk. Wretched human.

Okay, the cramps are coming back again. This is going to be a long night.

Thanks for reading! I’ll be back with better content.

Sighs. What a life I’ve led.

And Allah is As-Sawboor, The Forbearing. – MM

34 and Still So Fucking Clueless

In the name of Allah, The Beneficent, The Merciful.

It has been very tricky for me in navigating the 34th year of my existence.

It has not even been a month since my birthday and I am just grappling with some issues already.

I lost my cool at work. I broke down. I badly injured myself.

And now everything is just hitting me all at once.

There is never enough time nor energy for everything.

My praying problem is still super unfixed. I am like halfway to my death but also a heartbeat away from my death as well yet I am still not fulfilling the five daily prayers.

Can someone please just help me with it?

Sighs.

Deep in my heart, I truly believe that I can overcome a lot more of my challenges once I get that part fixed.

I think we have been having this conversation since this blog started even. It is such a recurring thing that even I get bored of blogging and reading it.

Come on, Huda. Skills issue.

I have also been super insomniac this year. I think mentally, I am not well at all but I am just overriding my mental wellness with responsibilities.

I mean, look, we cannot all afford to take a day off for our mental wellness. Fuck that shit. HAHA.

The reality is, as adults, in this fast-paced world we live in, we have to tough it out. Sometimes we have to do things because we must, not because we want to and not because we like it. For the most of us, we just cannot shirk away from our responsibilities.

Sighs.

I really do not like being left alone with my thoughts sometimes. They get heavy then my heart gets heavier.

Today is my off day yet I have not planned what I really want to do because in the back of my mind, I have a bajillion work tasks to complete. I want to play sports but my right knee is still shot. It still hurts like fuck.

I want to play a game but I am terribly afraid of playing it because… it is Alan Wake. It just scares the heck out of me and I stopped playing it on Steam like a decade ago? I simply have no balls to play it through! However, I have recently finished my Let’s Play of Peaky Blinders: Mastermind and since PlayStation decided to give the Alan Wake game for free for PS+ members, I thought, why the hell not stream Alan Wake as the next game? I would get excited to do so but then hesitant because of just how scary the game was to me. However, if you ask me, I cannot remember how the entire game went. (I had watched other people’s playthroughs on YouTube.) So…maybe it actually will not be as scary?

Hmm, that is hard.

Anyway, what I really wanted to blog about though is a compliment I received at work yesterday. I was complimented for my voice in sharing my workplace’s products with customers.

I have always felt inferior to others when it comes to my voice no matter how used I am to presenting in front of people. So yeah, it was nice to receive that compliment. It means a lot.

A point of improvement is my intonation. I will work on that.

I have been itching to do a short news video clip every morning and call it Metro Minutes. I think that would be incredibly fun but I just have not been able to wake up early so I could have more time to make it. Maybe I should not be so hyper focused on just producing it in the mornings. My intention is to make Metro Minutes something small to accompany commuters to work. Just a little bit of perk me up and at the same time a quick overview of news headlines. Like a mini-cuppa.

Me and my ideas and my dreams and my struggles.

Huda, are you happy?

I am not 100% happy but I will change what I must in order to be happy again.

And Allah is Ar-Rahman, The Beneficent. – MM

How Did I 33 This Shit Called Life?; I Ramble: 24 August 2023

In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful.

I don’t exactly want to do a retrospective post but I guess I need to let a couple of things off my chest before I evolve into a 34-year-old.

Firstly, I just can’t believe what I’ve put myself through the past year and frankly, I’m quite amazed I somehow survived it? I’m badly wounded financially but I survived by the grace of God.

Secondly, I still can’t believe what I’m doing to myself now. It’s a toughie. The decision I made is a bold one. It’s not easy. It hurts like hell but I told no one and showed no signs of being affected. It doesn’t help that the decision is forced to be dragged out due to administrative reasons.

Thirdly, what’s going on? I don’t understand! Is it all in my head or is it really happening? I thought I finally knew but I guess I still don’t know a thing!

Regardless, I just want to stay focused on being a better person now. I struggle a lot in being a better servant of God, family member, a better colleague, a better friend, and a better lover.

I want to be happy again.

I want my 34th year to be more meaningful than the past 33 years of my life.

And Allah is Al-Waduud, The Most Loving, and I need all of His Love more than ever now. – MM