The Ramadan Diary 2023: Day 1

In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful.

I decided to blog daily during Ramadan because I need an outlet. So badly. I am dealing with a lot of things and unfortunately, I cannot lean on anyone. I am trying my best to soldier on as far as I can in this journey of life. Suffering is such a lonely journey, no matter who you have around you. You are facing shit alone in your difficult times and no one can face it for you. They can face it with you, if they choose to that is, but they cannot face it for you.

Firstly, my intention for this Ramadan is to push myself to fix myself. I am pretty broken and burnt out. I barely recognise myself anymore. I worked too hard for too long yet I still have to work even harder and even longer. Everything has basically gone to shit and I basically froze. Apparently, there are four types of responses to conflicts: fight, flight, freeze, and fawn. I identify most with the freeze response. I get bewildered, I get clueless, and I get dazed. I could never really figure out what to do and I let myself get stuck in the situation. In order for me to get out of this self-spun web of misery, I have decided to show my gratitude to Allah by putting what He has given me to good use and taking care of His gifts to me.

For example, my body, although badly abused by my negligence and subjected to a lot of hard labour work, is still in good shape to help people around me. Also my personality, although not the loudest nor most outgoing, has placated enough people to make them feel comfortable around me. It feels really good to be in a workplace where people from all departments are willing to say hi to you or offer a smile or wave. I feel like a rockstar to be honest. All these are thanks to Allah. He has allowed me to be who and what I am now. He has made it easier for me to socialise and interact with people now. I just need to keep on putting my foot forward and not waste the chances He give me.

As such, I finally took the time to groom myself in the morning. I feel 10 times lighter and I feel sexier. I think feeling sexy is important to me. People at my workplace kept thinking I am in my twenties. They cannot believe I am in my thirties. You know what? It feels good every time people think I am younger than my actual age. :p

I even did chores before I went to work. Got some groceries and cleaned the toilet seat and bowl. How about that?

I did not get to achieve all that I aimed to get done in the morning but I feel rather proud of myself for being able to do more than I usually would. I even managed to pray Terawih and Witr at the workplace. Feels great to start off Ramadan on the front foot.

I hope to continue pushing myself throughout the month. I wanna continue my Quran reading routine in the morning as well later today.

Ya Allah, let me die a Muslim because that would mean I died grateful to You.

And Allah is Ar-Rahmaan, The Most Beneficent. – MM


Hello, 2023; I Ramble: 24 January 2023.

In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful.


It has been, what, many months before I break my silence here. I have been working all the time everyday until I fell sick last week. I am still not fully recovered yet but after getting a lot of time off, I realise I miss my hobbies. I only get like an ounce of leisure time each day because I work like two jobs with no off days. Honestly, that ounce of free time mainly stemmed from transit time. I went on a gaming galore during my medical leave and with the help of my husband, I finally managed to play the Torment levels of Diablo III! OMG! Achievement! Hahaha!

I am also kinda slowly getting back into the football fandom but at the moment, with no budget for quality viewing, I always have to wait until the team upload the match videos online. Haha! It is okay though. At this point, I guess I am turning into a proper pauper.

My Operations Manager asked me if I have set any new year resolutions on New Year’s eve and I was like, “I have no resolution”. Hahaha! It is true. I have barely have time for myself, what more think about things like that. My mind is so empty and simply tired out from working all of the time.

I guess this year is all about paying back. “IT IS PAYBACK TIME!”

I wish the mission is as cool as it sounds but alas, it is all about paying my dues and debts. Let’s see… I owe a lot of money and I owe a lot of fasting days from previous Ramadans. My mission this year is to get rid of all of those as quickly as possible and as much as possible. Ramadan is in about two months more or less. A little afraid I will not make it in time but I will be very grateful to have shaved off at least half of what I owe before the next Ramadan comes.

Oh! I have also signed up to be a Grabfood delivery agent on foot so that will be my third job. Alas, I started to feel ill after signing up and then wham bam I am so sick until now so I have not had a chance to earn from that job yet.

I also realised during my medical leave that I have neglected my personal well-being so much that my body pretty much died. Now I am having a whale of a time trying to revive it. My hair is bitching. It absolutely needs to be washed everyday to retain its smoothness. While it is difficult to manage, I am thankful I still have a head full of hair. Come to think of it, even my 40+ husband still has a head full of hair. For paupers, we are doing just fine in terms of our hair. LOL.

A lot of people feel that my situation is dire but look, everyone gets a different sort of challenge in their lives. Even Shakira is faced with a huge tax debt, which her now ex-husband played a part in and the reason for the dissolution of their marriage is his infidelity. The guy even got her to live next to his own mother and he had the audacity to cheat on her. What a jerk. I think her situation is worse than mine. Having to sort through her personal affairs while being in the public eye is nothing I would envy. I would not swap my position with her in life. I think being rich in life means differently to me now. It used to be about amassing wealth but now I feel richer than Shakira in terms of having less difficulties than her. However, that is my perspective. I do not think Shakira envies my position either and she seems to be happy with how she had dealt with her private affairs.

Right now, I just have to be extremely patient and continue to work hard. I do not believe that my struggles are for naught. I know there is Great Wisdom behind all of these but I am too short-sighted right now to see it. He is the Best of Planners so I can only do my best to plan and execute according to my abilities. The rest is up to Him.

Are you guys happy with where you are at in your life? If you are, enjoy every moment of it and make plans to continue that happiness. If you are not, look for ways to improve it. If there is a will, there is always a way, although that way may not be clear immediately.

On a different note, I am contemplating securing one off day for me every week. I will probably start in March. I just realised that I actually have a huge job that I completely paid no attention to. My house work! Good Lord. I think it is high time I start paying attention to the house as well.

Egads! So many things to do, so little time!

And Allah is Ar-Rahman, The Beneficent. – MM

Ending My 32nd Year of Living; I Ramble: 24 August 2022

In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful.

Just had a desire to blog although I do not really have any objective or story to share.

I guess, my 32nd year of living went by pretty fast and it had been pretty hectic.

A lot of ups and a lot of downs.

Said goodbyes and hellos.

I feel like I have not achieved any of my goals. Sadly. However, I am not going to beat myself up for that. I did what I could. I survived the way I could.

Do I feel like I have grown? Funnily enough, yes, I do feel that way despite not achieving my 2022 goals. I got to see a side of me that I never thought was possible — working three jobs! My goodness.

I am not sure if I get to trim it down to two because we still need to have some money rolling in.

I will have to play by ear.

Still, if there is one thing I would like to focus on is to get into the routine of waking up at 5am in the morning.

I have no choice but to do so because that is the only way I can ensure I will be punctual for my first two jobs. I really want to knock out early at night instead of sleeping late. I want to ensure that my body is properly rejuvenated, especially seeing how I am not allowing myself to have any off days.

Wake me up when September ends? Haha!

Anyway, here’s a favourite tune of mine to round up the end of my journey as a 32-year-old and to kick off my life as a 33-year-old.

I want to continue living happily. I am determined to live happily. Whatever happens, whatever comes, I will face with bravery and kindness.

Thank you, everyone, for always rooting for me and giving me the silent support I need.

May the Lord have mercy on my soul!

And Allah is Al-Haseeb, The Reckoner. – MM

Talking To Myself; I Ramble: 19 August 2022

In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful.

I do not like talking to people because sometimes their reactions can be off-putting or their thoughts are not aligned with my principles.

However, I have a natural human need to talk things out.

Therefore, the solution for people like me who are unable to find that satisfaction in talking things out with other people is to blog or write in a journal or just talk to one’s self.

I used to write in a journal before the age of Internet and blogging. Now that I have blogging at my disposal, it is how I try to process my thoughts without having to filter out so much shit.

I acknowledge I have this insane need to tell someone like, hey, this thing happened and it sucks and I just wanted to tell you what I feel about it. On the other hand, at the same time, I am not looking for anyone’s opinion. I just want to be heard.

Why is that so hard for people to do for me? Lelz.

Anyway, I just wanted to let out that the pain in both of my feet are acting up really badly now. They used to just ache at the end of both weekend days that I work but now the pain is persisting throughout the week. The pain is especially at my heels. I guess my heavy footing, cheap footwear and the standing/walking nature of my weekend jobs are really chipping away at my foot health. I finally begged my husband to give me his cushiony insoles that he got from Decathlon. Hopefully, that will ease my pain throughout this weekend. We shall see.

I wish I could get a break. I guess this is why people need off days. I can already feel my sharpness falling by 60% and I am just mentally not there when it comes to paying attention to things and people. Social interactions feel burdensome. Social requests become mammoth tasks. I am not even in the mood for my upcoming birthday, which is about six days away, I reckon.

That’s the first gripe.

The second point of contention is why the hell does Singapore think I do not deserve a minimum $4000 paycheck and kept on pushing me to settle for less? Do I really have to stick my paper qualifications onto my face? Write the years of work experience on my cheeks? Must they really tell me how they had to fight for me so that I can earn that job?


I can work like a dog but I hate being treated like a dog expected to sit, stay, and roll over on command.

This blog post is a much needed reliever because damn, I have so much aggression, frustration, and resentment. These mental walls can only hold so much turbulent thoughts.

I am tired. I am unwell. I am in pain. I badly want to date my husband but there is just no energy and time for a date. There are mean people out there. People are attacking our integrity without checking themselves first. I am really starting to bear a lot of grudges and resentment now because I have been so great at taking things in my stride and absorbing a lot of negativity from stupid people.

Gah. Urgh. Mergh. Grrr. Raaghh.

Gosh, I feel so much better after blowing off some steam. Now, I am going to stress-eat some Maggi noodles and just watch some Arsenal documentary series thingy on Prime Amazon.

So long, suckers.

And Allah is Al-Muqeet, The Sustainer. – MM

There Is Just No Time To Die; I Ramble: 17 August 2022

In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful.

I do not think I have watched any of the Bond movies in their entirety. In fact, I can barely recall any snippets. Weirdly, I feel like watching them after stumbling upon Billie Eilish’s take on the Bond theme.

I have enjoyed Adele’s but I have to say, as someone who does not follow Billie Eilish, she did a great take on the Bond theme. There is the theme of betrayal in it, which adds to the idea of a hero’s pain. So this tops Adele’s Skyfall.

I even want to learn to play this song on the ukulele. I found a really good ukulele cover on YouTube.

The other ukulele guides are not as flavourful as the above.

I hope I can carve out some time for this because at the rate I am going about my life, there is just no time to die.

And Allah is Al-Hafeedzh, The Preserver. – MM

My Mind in Muharram; I Ramble: 5 August 2022

In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful.

I feel tired.

I feel frazzled.

A little scattered.

My body is totally aching and sick.

My mind is completely all over the place so I take back on what I said earlier — being a little scattered. Clearly, I am more than just a little scattered.

I guess that is because I do not really have time for myself. My body is pretty much falling apart on its own.

I know my body is still living but my mind is sort of dying. It has been shutting down a lot. I have not been able to actively listen and retain information. Most times I have no idea what the person is conveying to me and had to just guess my way around. It is getting pretty bad but weirdly it feels normal.

Of course, it is not something I should normalise.

I am pretty sure this sentiment is thematic throughout the many donkey years of my blog’s existence. Like what’s new? Haha!

Just a quick hello post before saying goodbye to try and get back to turning my life around for the umpteenth time. HAHA.

So long, suckers!

And Allah is Al-Kabeer, The Most Great. – MM

Hello, July 2022; I Ramble: 1 July 2022

In the name of Allah, The Beneficent, The Most Merciful.

Yooooooooooo….itta meeeeee….

How was your first day of July? Today was a pretty hectic day of work. I’m really tired out by the day’s load. I’m very upset that I missed out on my first two obligatory prayers. Going to really get back to waking up at 5am because that has been my goal since foreverrrr! I still have another 6 months of the year to cement the routine of waking up at 5am. My problem is that I’m always thinking, “What the hell am I doing waking up at 5am? My body is crying out for sleep!”

So I really want to achieve that. I believe once I can achieve that, I can pretty much achieve everything else because things will just fall into place once I am consistent with the time I create for myself and once I am consistent with my daily prayers. It’s that easy to be honest. Just a matter of executioning the plan.

As you can see, I only managed to do 5 of the 10 things I wanted to do. To be fair, I took longer than I anticipated to iron our clothes for a wedding tomorrow because — get this — I had to clean the iron and the ironing board beforehand. That’s how long they have been in storage. Geez. I was already tired from work and then I became even more tired out by the ironing shindig. Goodness. But oh, well. At least I managed to force myself to get 5 things done today. It feels like an accomplishment for me because I usually just don’t do anything when I feel tired. I’ll end up watching videos and playing games to just unwind. I definitely feel more productive today than I usually am so that’s good. I’m happy with that. Although it was not a great start to July 2022, it was a better start than previous starts. I will set tomorrow’s goals tomorrow, in the morning, because I want to approach the day with a fresher mind.

And Allah is Al-‘Alee, The Most Exalted. – MM