6.6.26

Bismillah.

I think today’s date makes for an incredible number and since I’ve not posted in a while, I think it’s a good date to check in on myself.

I don’t think I’ve found my match yet. As it is, things are mostly one-sided in my pursuit of a relationship. It’s still the same old number: always me giving and providing. I haven’t felt taken care of. I think when someone finally steps in as the masculine in my orbit, I will then know that he is the one for me. So for now, it’s just me staying afloat in my own little ocean of unfulfilled dreams.

That aside, I am starting to really feel the insurmountable pressure to be the best version of my professional self. It has been a huge challenge for me when my strong allies are removed from my work life. If I don’t feel taken care of in my non-existent romantic life, I feel less taken care of in my existing professional life. So it has been quite challenging for me. It has not been an easy return from my hospitalisation leave. It feels like a lot is at stake for me. And I don’t know, I just feel like my job is constantly on the line. I can never truly understand how people can be so relaxed in their jobs. I think maybe for them, their job was never a priority in their life so they don’t feel the need to get so worked up. For me, however, my job is more than just a job. It’s a responsibility. The moment you get that responsibility taken away from you, you know you’ve fucked up or something fucked up for you. That’s how I approach my job but in retrospect, maybe I need a paradigm shift. Really need to look into that balance between being the Nurul Huda I need to be for myself and the Nurul Huda people need me to be.

Honestly, I am exhausted and I need a break but everytime I feel this, all I hear is my Junior College literature teacher’s words, “You cannot afford to feel tired”. I swear, the schools I’ve been to in my academic life have always come down hard on me and my character. To this day, I don’t understand how people can go to school and leave it without having felt any sort of impact on them and their personal growth… how they get to live their school lives without as much homework as I did and without as many after school commitments as I did…. seriously those people must be so lucky. I think I sort of blame my school life for my lack of work-life balance. I still remember answering phone calls at night from my National Police Cadet Corp squadmates about events we have to organise for the club while I was in secondary school.

And honestly as well, I think I will be a stronger professional if I have a strong masculine partner in my personal life. Just to have a guy around who is willing to spend his time with me so I that I can decompress from having to be so alpha male at work would be the dream. The guy who will turn up for me whenever I needed him to because I know if I wanted to turn up for someone, I would, and many times, I have done so. The guy who will just pick me up from work and spend a bit of time with before sending me home. The guy who will handle the money and the logistics. I swear I am so tired of having to pay for men or have them tell me I need to pay my share. I just don’t want to be the one who has to think about where to go and what to do because I might as well organise team outings if I keep having to be the one to do that.

So while waiting for such an incredible guy to turn up, I shall continue working on myself to firstly be a viable candidate for that incredible guy. Like I said, it cannot be one-sided. If I want the best, I have to be the best first.

And with that said, naturally, I have created a certain amount of pressure on myself.

Oh, this world is simply not allowing me to be free.

What a wicked world indeed.

And Allah is Al-Bari, The Evolver. – MM