I Ramble: 24 April 2014

In the name of Allah, the Beneficent, the Merciful.

I have been so focused on forgetting the past that I have completely forgotten to celebrate my work anniversary, which was yesterday, 23 April 2016.

I have now been working the same job at the same place for exactly four years. It made me think of all the could-have-beens funnily. On a certain level, it made me feel as though I have been quite ungrateful to say that.

Well, I should just carry on forgetting the past, really. I can’t get my love back weeping over what was never there.

I am not really one to keep on regretting things beyond my control.

What’s done is done. My love was lost and gone.

I will get it back though. Such is the determined person I am. I understand my life has never really been handed to me. I always have had to work for the things I want. Alhamdulillah, at least the things I need have been provided by Him to me.

Once again, I find myself asking the same old question, ” What do I want?”

Because I feel like I have been driven into the darkest corner and my back has been pushed against the wall. I am now forced to regroup and rethink.

Unfortunately, I haven’t been giving it much thought. Like all other heartbroken people, I have been decadent, indulging in singing, mostly being on smule. The sense of having people listening to me and appreciating me. A sense of self-validation.

Do I really want that?

I love to sing but I can be quite a purist. I wouldn’t want my singing to be objectified and tainted by deep-seated contempt.

Basically, it mirrored what I felt before I entered into a relationship — that whole I-wanna-be-hot phase.

How does one avoid being so bitter when one is forced to keep a lid on one’s reactions and negative emotions?

I am only human and I am trying.

Sometimes, I just feel like jumping back into that dating wagon again. Just get a new guy and everything else is resolved.

But I know for sure, it doesn’t really work that way. Sure, one day, some guy will make me let go all of my painful past and hold onto a happier future. But that day may not come too soon because there is no way I will allow myself to make the same mistake as others have, especially when it has happened to me.

Get this because you are never going to get me — I am not a rebound girl, I am not an alternative, I am not a spare tyre, I am not a sex slave, I am not a dude, and I am not an option.

I am a rare specimen and you better believe it. They don’t make girls like me anymore. Even my ex can testify to that.

Okay, rant over.

This is what happens when Arsenal can’t win a goddam game even with all of the possession in the world. I rant.

Oh, yes, this post was supposed to be celebrating my achievements thus far as a preschool teacher but I have always been harder on myself in terms of my expectations of a working professional. I don’t feel like I have much to celebrate. In fact, I feel like I have to step up even more. I have been letting go quite a bit to restore my mental health. I think all things considered, given the drama I have gone through this year, I have been handling my emotions quite well at work. At least, better than previous years.

So that is that. A goal I have set myself to achieve is to attain the 5-year long service award during my 6th year working here. After receiving that award, I will then regroup and rethink again about where I wanna be in the next four to five years of my career. Insya Allah.

Back to what do I really want…

In all honesty, all I really want to be is a rockstar and a housewife. Contradictory ain’t it? I can’t be both. If you don’t understand how ambitious I am after all these while of knowing me, I hope you will begin to understand that about me now. My dream is to collect a Grammy and a Quran Recitation trophy and an Anugerah Planet Muzik award (the Malay music award for Malaysian, Singapore, and Indonesian artists I think) all within a few days consecutively. Nice dream, right?

Impossible.

Still, it keeps me going in this provincial life.

I have a staff chalet coming up this weekend. I just want to kick back and forget about everything.

Lose control. Lose myself.

Meanwhile, I am defining myself as a Metropolitan Muslimah. I even subscribed to this domain, can you believe it? Maybe it was a post-relationship retail therapy. Ah, heck. I have deleted all other WordPress blogs of mine and the only Blogger blogs I have left are those created for school back then. In fact, please note I will be using my Angelfire site to host media like images. It will no longer act as my headquarters. This is my one and only domain you should ever visit and keep up with.

I am still in the process of putting all of my online information here like I did on my Angelfire site.

That’s it. I wasn’t intending for this to be a very long post so bonus for you, my stalkers.

I quite enjoy being stalked online so go on, keep hitting my site and I will come up with more exciting and interesting things to feed your cravings for news about me. Insya Allah. I mean that in the most honest way, by the way as I think it might be misconstrued as sarcasm.

Also, it gives me a very good focus on myself as a Metropolitan Muslimah and away from my past.

There we go. Goodnight, I know I am well past my bedtime. Hope you will never have to go through the bad things I went through in life.

And He is Knower of all things. – MM

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