I Ramble: 10 January 2016

In the name of Allah, the All-Compassionate, the All-Merciful.

Today, I could feel a lot of negative energy at work.

I’m starting to feel the calling to leave more than ever.

I am so tired of working hard…in areas that are NOT my duty.

I am being marked down for my inability to fulfill my duties when the reason I am unable to do so is because I have to do somebody else’s duties.

Nevermind that. I have always been game to get the job done.

However, sometimes, the more I tried to swallow everything in, the more it all tries to seep out.

I don’t understand why I’m working more like an assistant teacher when I have more classes to teach than you.

You have no claims to say you are tired from the 10am to 7pm shift because I am working it too. Okay, fine, you stay in Woodlands and I’m just in Tampines but I am definitely sure I wake up earlier than you do despite my late shift due to prayers and sleep later than you do because you are not the only one with a beloved, okay. You know, bins are not gonna empty by themselves, children are not gonna get taken care of by themselves, and butts are not gonna be poop-free by themselves.

But whatever lah. You don’t want to do your work, it’s your problem. I want to leave you, I want to leave all of you, and I don’t quite care if it is not my dream job as long as it pays better and I don’t have to suffer bullshit anymore.

I don’t need acknowledgement but I don’t need nonsense either.

Well, people, actually you can just ignore this post because I’m on my third day of my period and I feel like absolute shit. Period does that to you sometimes. Memo.

But to be honest, yes, the dark side of me was starting to overcome me.

You have no idea just what I called you many times in my head and just how many times I murdered you in my head.

I don’t know. Maybe I’m just a really mean person pretending to be good.

I don’t know anymore. I just want to sleep and wake up feeling less shitty than the day that I had.

Beauty is temporary. Dumb is forever.

And this is me biting my tongue.

But yeah, no, I don’t find you beautiful but I’ll stop just there before I give in to the dark side.

Right now all I really want to do is to hug le boyfriend the whole night. I don’t care what he needs to do or where he needs to be, I’ll just cling on like a koala bear or a sloth.

Mum caught me hugging my life-sized teddy bear despondently while tapping it as though it was teddy who needed comforting and asked, “What’s wrong with you? Why are you stressed?”

To which I replied, “Nothing new. Stress from work.”

I think, I’ve already expired in my line of work. Five years of working with people who don’t want to work with me and those people include men, women, and children, are enough to dim whatever light I have in me.

23 April 2017 will mark exactly my fifth year.

Until then, anything goes, I’ll just do my job.

And He is Ar-Rahman, the All-Compassionate. – MM

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