I Ramble: 23 January 2017 part 2

In the name of Allah, the All-Compassionate, the All-Merciful.

I’m watching a Malay horror movie about Nasi Kangkang with the family.

And oh, my God. The spooks.

I am just so very glad that I have found a husband-to-be who is as clean as me in that spiritual sense whereby we have no knowledge about dark matters and harbour no dark matters ourselves.

Alhamdulillah.

Well, continuing from where I left off previously, I will say that at the end of the day, I have come to fully realise what has been bothering me while I have simply not been bothered with it.

1. The realisation and acceptance that my relationship with the workplace has soured. It is painful, I must say. I thought I could just live with it, you know, just get through it. I don’t know if I feel betrayed but I could understand if she felt betrayed yet at the same time, I believe I have paid my dues and earned my rights? Have I not? Still, if anything, there is one thing I am sure of — the workplace is no longer a healthy environment for me to be in anymore. I simply cannot work day by day feeling like I’m a criminal. Why am I criminalised by a supposedly selfish act? By buying air tickets on a good price? And not say that I am buying tickets? I didn’t even tell my momma I wanna get them tickets until I needed the money to pay for it! So why? Why is it I can do and am enforced to do other people’s duties but nobody can do mine? Who is the selfish one here? So okay, I am finally crying right now as I’m typing because I am finally admitting to the pain that I have unknowingly harboured inside me. Yes, feeling this way is painful. I don’t hate my job and bloody hell, it’s coming close to five years now. Who in their right minds would stay if they ain’t passionate in their jobs?! And dammit, it is not like I just get through my work. I have committed myself to it more than my own well-being even. I don’t know, man. I’m just… Yeah, well, I am upset about it and grieving over it. And well, do you remember the two things I wanted to update here? Well, this discussion of point number one brings us to update number one:

I am tendering my one-month notice of resignation on 21 April 2017.

I only have that much time to secure another decent-paying job. That brings us to point number two…

2. The realisation and affirmation that I made the right decision to place my trust in Him regarding my financial situation. I have been secretly worrying about money, to be honest. Even after I paid HDB, I was worrying a lot because we didn’t receive any letter like we usually do, stating the amount we have to pay. I was worried that I would be charged the late payment. Although it is only seven plus dollars, it is still money at the end of the day. Heck, I have been worrying about it for the entire month. I was worrying if catching up with the payment in December 2016 would just go to waste if I should still be charged the late payment. That worry just surmounted when I finally made the withdrawal for mum’s monthly allowance after my visit to the polyclinic and I saw my bank balance. I was only left with $40 in my passbook savings account. There is the $100 that automatically goes to My Savings Account (MSA) though. I must admit that I felt sad although I have been living like that ever since last year. I then walked home with ten 50-dollar bills folded in my right hand. My hand didn’t feel heavy from clenching it. Neither was my heart from the intention of giving it to my mother. However, my head was heavy from the worry of numbers I could not make sense of. When I reached my void deck and saw the HDB letter in my mailbox…well, my heart sank a bit. I thought, oh, God, they are going to tell me I have to pay the late fee but I already paid the fixed monthly rate so how how how? Well, I can’t quite describe the emotions that flooded me when I saw the amount that reflected what I paid in anticipation. It may be such a small thing to anyone reading this. To me though, it was a reaffirmation that yes, while I may not have enough for myself from paycheck to paycheck, Alhamdulillah, I have been able to pay for the necessities and in a way, support the family. I feel vindicated that Allah does indeed make the way for rezeki to be enough for his humble servants who need it. Through another person’s eyes, I simply look silly for wanting to shoulder financial responsibilities when that results in me being able to barely support myself, silly for wanting to quit my job, and silly for still wanting to get married this year. Yes, that brings us to update number two:

I am getting married on 12 May 2017.

I know that He will make way for us to be together despite the seemingly impossible situation we have right now. I have experienced it for myself the provisions He made for me. Whenever I think I have no money, there seemed to be enough. Whenever I think I will have to starve, food comes to me, sometimes even more than I can eat. Unless you have experienced such a thing, I don’t expect you to understand where I’m coming from.

Ya Allah, thank you for all of Your blessings on me. Previously, when I prayed for you to widen the doors of rizq to me, it was rainy as well. Tonight, on this rainy day and night, I implore you, ya Allah, to widen the doors of rizq for me as how you have opened up the skies for the rain to fall on this Earth. Ya Allah, please grant le boyfriend and I good-paying jobs that will allow us to support ourselves, our life together and our families. Only to You I ask and only You I worship. Amin, amin, ya rabbal ‘alamin.

And Allah is Ar-Rahim, the All-Merciful. – MM

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