I Ramble: 3 May 2017

In the name of Allah, the All-Compassionate, the All-Merciful.

Pain.

Pain in my throat.

Pain above my heels.

Thank God for the absence of menstrual pain so far because I’m on day two today and it’s the heaviest flow as we know.

But still there it is, pain in my heart.

I’ve expressed this before to Nora; I don’t know why I have so much anger in me. It’s crazy.

Maybe it is just due to the fact that my life has been messy but I have been sorting out the mess since day one of May.

My existential crises, the pondering of what may and may not have been, and of basically asking myself, “What’s the point of it all?” and “Am I a bad person?” are slowly receding.

Well, that was a terrible sentence, feel free to amend it but I hope you get what I was trying to convey.

I’ve been getting on with work — trying to finish up whatever I need to do for a handover. I’ve been getting on with my room — trying to discard as many things as possible so I can have a better peace of mind on top of getting ready to move in with le fiance when he becomes le husband. I’ve been getting on with my wedding preparations — we’ll be having our marriage course next weekend. It does make me feel better knowing that things keep moving with me having some control over it.

As a person, maybe it is guilt, maybe I’m weak, maybe I’m beating myself too much over it, I am finding it hard to come to terms with myself but I think taking a break from work and being in a different environment for a little while can definitely do me good with regards to my headspace and heartspace.

Oh, to explain the above sentence — 1) I have tendered my resignation and 2) I will be heading over to The Philippines for my friend’s wedding. I’m very blessed to have attended my Korean friend’s wedding and now I will get to attend my Filipino friend’s wedding. Yay! Regarding my resignation, I’ll talk about it separately. Maybe.

I guess it’s time to take my friends’ advice seriously — “It’s time to repent, my friend”.

I’m just lucky I’m not made to walk down the streets naked and vilified while a smirking nun cries out, “Shame! Shame!” while ringing her goddam bell.

And by repentance, I’m not just talking about my spirituality but also my work ethics and personal house rules.

One thing I know for sure is that I’m very expressive and I can’t hide my thoughts and feelings well and this aspect of me is a double-edged sword.

Now that I have acknowledged that part of it, what am I supposed to do with that piece of information? Hence, that is why I feel lost. So lost right now.

Damn.

And Allah is Al-Malik, the King. And I definitely should ask Him, the King, eh? – MM

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