I Ramble: 5 June 2017

In the name of Allah, the All-Compassionate, the All-Merciful.

Yes! I made it! 5th consecutive post, woohoo! Just another two days and I will have the confidence to strike off blogging daily from my Ramadhan challenge list!

Well, when I woke up, things of course just don’t turn around completely BUT at least I felt better. I fell asleep praying, almost chanting like a mantra, “Oh, Allah, please heal Amirudin. Amin.”

And well, prayer does help. His physical withdrawal symptoms reduced but oh, his mood swings! One day, I’m going to tell this story of ours to our children, especially if any of them suddenly gets the bright idea to start smoking. Seriously, not worth it. Plus, I already put up with their dad’s struggle to quit, I don’t want to put up with theirs. Hahahaha!

Still, Alhamdulillah, I’m very thankful that he felt less numb and stiff today and man, I would take his mood swings over his physical ailments anytime. Even though he gets mad, he still runs to me, barks at me but then rolls over on his back and gives me the saddest puppy eyes. Oy, I really can never be mad at him! Even if I do, I can never stay mad for long.

But yes, my biggest concern regarding him is stroke so when he told me the numbness significantly reduced, I am so very relieved. So phew! I only have Allah to thank for…especially for listening to a plea from a very sinful me.

Anyway, I called up my prospective employer who was supposed to have kept on top of things but after the call I gave today, I guess I can’t expect everyone to be as hardworking as me. Basically, yes, I’m fucked because it really means I’m unemployed.

But whatever. I applied for three more jobs today, including Uniqlo. Hehe! I really don’t know why I’m feeling a strong urge to join them. Maybe I’m just ready to work hard. Like keeping my hands busy more than my mind. But then again there’s another job I applied for that’s really got me interested. A translator job. I really enjoy languages and after trying to translate Nora’s thoughts into Malay for her children’s portfolio, I kind of feel like it is a skill I would like to hone.

But everything is up in the air right now. I even got interested in an executives programme. Maybe because I feel like it will be a great starting point for a corporate career for me. I have many skill sets and I always feel like I can do anything that I put my mind to so going through that programme will definitely help me optimise my capabilities and fulfill my potential.

Well, that sounded like a cover letter…but I think the cover letter I wrote to them was less appealing than what I just blogged.

I don’t know, I always have this fear of overselling myself…and I always have this feeling that I’m average and I can never beat someone who is always going to be above me. Like you know, what can a neighbourhood school kid like me do compared to an elite school kid? But when I look back at what I’ve done for the past five years, I know that while I may never beat them in certain sense, I may have excelled beyond them in another sense. It all depends on how someone sees it and I can only hope that there is someone out there who is like my David Dein and I’m like their Arsene Wenger.

So yeah, things have happened and there is no use stressing myself over it. I also recognise that sometimes, I can’t shoulder all of le fiance’s burdens nor solve all of his problems because sometimes we both need to grow as individuals in our own ways in order to become stronger together. So he has his own Ramadhan struggles and I have mine. We both need to stick it out and not let our personal demons get the better of us.

And Allah is Al-Muhaymin, the Guardian, the Preserver. – MM

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