Lost In My Thoughts

In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful.

I’ve had another day to myself today. It feels nice to regroup and prepare my mind and body for another long streak of work ahead.

Work has started to become more ridiculous. It has become more evident that I am losing myself as a person to the harbinger of “let’s chuck this workload to Huda and if she screws up, let’s ignore her and let her settle it herself”. I have been seeing groups of colleagues huddling and crying in hidden corners over the nastiness of the leadership at work. Now I feel like joining them. Imagine that.

“Hey, it’s me, Huda, and I’m mentally roughed up like you guys and I just need a good cry with y’all and a hug would be nice as well.”

Yeah, I think, I’ll need to change my ways at work. Instead of being so focused on completing the tasks assigned by leaders, I’ll utilise the time to help my colleagues instead. I admit I always flee when I see one lonely cashier with a long cashier queue because I’m always thinking I have to get my work done. That needs to change. That shall be my promise to myself now until the calcuted end to my current career soon: Serve those who deserve to be served.

Recently, I did try that out and I admit it feels damn good when they gripped my arm and thanked me after we have successfully cleared the cashier queue.

Well, after all, I introduced myself as “the one who bounces around the entire store across all three levels doing things other people don’t want to do” to the recent batch of new staff I inducted. Teehee. I might as well live up to that now.

Please, God, give me the courage, strength, and resilience to survive in this workplace.

I have also been telling the new staff I trained, “If you can survive here, you can survive anything in life”.

I know I’m confident in leaving my current career but I will say it upfront that I’m nowhere near as confident about my future.

The future still looks uncertain but if I remain afraid, I know I’ll just stay in the same place. I don’t want that.

There is nothing wrong with things staying constant. There is a certain peacefulness that comes with it. But that kind of peace would be more of my jam when I’m in my 80s perhaps. For now, I should explore and venture into the unknown.

But I should also be mindful to take care of my needs.

Like recently, when my undercover boss pumped up his car seat heater to the max to prank me, I couldn’t feel anything. And it wasn’t turned up for just a minute. Initially, I brushed it off as my nature of being a sunbear. But now that I think about it, it’s a red flag. That means my blood circulation is poor and it explains why I get cold so easily. Sometimes, when I get a muscle ache and slap on a medicated oil patch, I really don’t feel its effect when a normal person would be cringing from its heat. I think that’s what happened back in the car. My body couldn’t feel a semblance of heat.

Maybe that’s why I enjoy soaking in hot baths. The heat feels refreshing.

Ugh, I would love to staycay again at a place with a tub but with an uncertain future, I better save up.

So in the meantime, in order to improve my blood circulation, walking home is in order on work days where I’m off the next day. And I gotta get back to the mat exercises on the days where I work the next day. So that’s to fulfill my physical needs.

Once my period is over, I’ll start fasting again. So that’s to fulfill my spiritual needs.

I have borrowed a virtual copy of Sun Tzu’s Art Of War from the library. I intend to read and learn from it. So that’s to fulfill my mental needs. Brain food. I’ll be hitting the salon next Sunday with my sister to treat her for her birthday so I might as well give my tresses a good day.

I still can’t make up my mind though, if I should just get treatment and trim or if I should enjoy my youth and beauty while it lasts and just go for treament, colour and cut.

I’m actually hesitant on getting my hair coloured because I think I’ll get white hair faster. It seems to be what happened to my friends. So there is that fear. Yes, my dear friends, I do get secretly vain like that.

But hey, we’re all gonna grow old and grow white hair. It’s going to come so I might as well go for it.

So now the question is do I cut it short? I don’t think I’ll go as short as a pixie but prolly funky enough to make me feel like I’ve got a fresh start.

What colour should I go for? Blonde is pretty common and so is honey. I kinda want to go ginger though. I think it would make me feel fierce and powerful. If I do go ginger, I wouldn’t mind keeping my hair long. I think that will be fun.

Well, I have one week to think about it. So that’s for meeting my emotional needs.

I don’t know a lot about the future but I am certain that I deserve a good one and I am certain that I will have to work for it.

And Allah is Al-Aakhir, The Last. – MM