In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful.
2020 went by too quickly. Suddenly it’s 2021.
I started off 2021 right. When I reached home, it was close to midnight. By the time I settled down, it was already 2021. Managed to read Al-Waqi’ah on the Quran. I intend to recite it whenever I can every night after Isya’ prayers.
However, I failed to wake up for Subuh prayers and read the Qur’an after.
I realise now no plans are perfect but that’s the beauty of it. A failed plan is an opportunity to make it work.
Watched Wonder Woman 1984 (WW84) with A. Brings back the memory of watching Batman vs Superman with my ex-boyfriend, through which I first saw Gal Gadot as Wonder Woman. I was awed by her. She was just so elegant. So sophisticated. More feminine than I am. I whispered to my ex, “I want to be like Wonder Woman.” He whispered back, ” You’re my Wonder Woman.”
I just asked A if I’m his Wonder Woman. He just went, “Hm.”
Well, that’s what you get when you’re married for more than two years! No more honeymoon vibes! Hahaha!
No matter! Like I said earlier, a failure is just an opportunity! I shall work towards becoming A’s Wonder Woman!
I don’t wish to be like Diana anymore though, especially after watching the movie. I’m done with wishing! Rather, I plan to be the cooler version of WW84, which is NH21, Nurul Huda 2021! Muahahaha! Okay, maybe not cooler since I can never be as cool as Wonder Woman. A truer version of myself is a more accurate description.
In fact, I have just put on lipstick since I was so inspired!
And now, A just asked me why I was wearing lipstick at home. I told him I might as well wear it since I bought it. He was still puzzled and said I should be wearing it to work or when I go out. I told him there’s nobody for me to wear it for outside. I then asked him what if I wear it out and the people out there get attracted to me? He then said that he is not worried about people liking me but he is worried about me liking other people.
I feel a little shocked, I must say. Like where did that come from?! Hahahaha! Oh well, I gotta celebrate the small victories. He doesn’t see me as Wonder Woman but he sees me as a wonder and a woman.
Now all that’s left is to slowly guide him to combine both ideas of me. Hahaha!
So anyway, I didn’t end up walking alone last night. Instead, it turned out to be a nice surprise of having my colleague and teammate, Dja, join me on my night walk.
I think my colleague has been wanting to spend some time with me but I’ve been so committed to other stuff that I haven’t managed to make any plans with her. If there is one thing RK’s sudden departure from Singapore has taught me, is that I have neglected a lot of my friends and it’s high and mighty time that I learn to be a good friend.
While we were walking and indulging in night photography, I kept seeing couples walking together. I realised then that I actually miss going out on a date like that with A. Actually, I miss being intimate with him.
Real and open talk now: Do you know what bothers me the most when someone asks me if I’m pregnant or when I’m going to be pregnant?
It’s nothing to do with maternal instincts or wanting to have children. At this age, I figured it’s probably better to be childless because I don’t think I have the energy and means to care for another life. Whether I’m blessed with one or not, I’m cool with it.
What bothers me is that I am more virgin-like than most singletons. I believe more single people in this world received more bedroom action than I have.
And I just hate that fact so much. Like I really tried to lose weight although I did that under the pretence of controlling my cholesterol. I really tried to switch things up a little by getting a new look although that turned out to be a tragedy. I really envy people who don’t have to try a lot in this life sometimes.
But I have made peace with that. While it takes minimal effort from others to get what they want, I have to put 200% effort that only generates a 1% return in results.
The only thing I have that most people don’t is patience and the ability to live with the truth and the pain that comes with the truth. And I can do all that completely sober.
So here’s to me, NH21. Trying once more to get what I want.
And Allah knows best. – MM