In the name of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful.
My friend, Shike, has been checking on how I have been doing since my last day of working at the old workplace.
So I thought I will just put it out in the open.
I am failing.
I am positively failing.
I am positively failing at everything.
I am failing as a wife, I am failing as a delivery coordinator, and I am failing myself.
Heck, I even discovered that my old schoolmate has turned out to be a successful public prosecutor.
So yes, I am an absolute failure.
But weirdly, I do not feel upset by my failures. I am kind of excited.
Have I finally turned old? *gasps*
I mean, by right, at any given point of time, Nurul Huda would have just snapped and broken down or whatever shit she would usually do when her self-esteem gets beaten up.
But somehow, this Nurul Huda is responding so differently upon acknowledging her failures in life.
I do not know what gives. Maybe all the walking I have been doing has somehow cleared my head and allowed me to think a little more compared to feeling. Feeling is how I get carried away most times. Overthinking does my head in too. Yet, at this point in my life, maybe finally I have somewhat resonated with the Islamic principle of accepting the fact that what is written for me is not meant for others and vice versa. I cannot always want to have what is written for others because what is written for me may actually be better for me. I think this abstract concept is very hard for a lot of people to grasp because people are so used to more tangible experiences. And that is why it is very hard for people to grasp the concept of equity, which consequently caused them not to understand Islam. The idea of equality is easier for them to grasp because the concept can be demonstrated more tangibly. Like when a woman gets an orange, a man should get one too to be equal. So when the woman gets an orange but the man gets two instead, it no longer becomes equal. However, what if the woman gets an orange because she lives alone and the man gets two oranges because he has to share the oranges with his wife? The distribution of the oranges is definitely not equal but it is definitely equitable because in the end each person gets one whole orange to himself or herself. So how could it make sense then that the single woman gets one orange and the man with a wife gets one orange too?
So while my old schoolmate is probably saving many individuals’ lives through her profession, which looks a lot like saving the world, I am actually probably saving some individuals’ lives as well without realising and to these individuals, I may actually mean the world to them. In the end, it works out equitably. I wish people who constantly punish themselves for not doing more or feel bitter or resentful towards the success of others can understand this concept, really. People need to be whole lot more positive about their failures in order to learn and grow.
Yeah, it sucks to fail a lot in life and I mulled over this on a public park bench for a good amount of time during one of my recent walks. But my failures shaped me into what I am now. I feel like this Nurul Huda, this version of myself, is exactly what is needed at the present moment in the course of what has been written.
While I have failed to meet some of the targets I set for myself this week, I am happy to say that I have been learning how to monetise blogging. I did not realise just how much there was to cover until I start to get headaches from trying to absorb all of these information.
And yeah, I will definitely try again to wake up at 5am so I can spend more time studying. The faster I study, the faster I can spring into action, and the more time I can carve out for Street MOB Clothing and Smiling Greens.
And Allah is Al-Fattah, The Supreme Solver. – MM