In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful.
I am feeling pretty down now. I think the term ‘Ramadan Challenge’ has just taken its own course.
I did not even realise that we are past the halfway mark of the holy month. It seems surreal. At this point of the game, everyone is stepping up their efforts in a bid to meet Lailatul Qadr. That special night also known as the Night of Power, when supplications are accepted and highly rewarded, and your past sins forgiven.
And right when the bid for Lailatul Qadr is on, so did my personal Ramadan challenge that seemed to have been written for me.
My problems are starting to feel a little heavy but nothing too complex. They are just heavy in weight. I faced one of the problems before so I do not feel too emotionally overwhelmed and I faced another one many times before so I do not have too much fear from it. Then there are a few that are right smack in my face all along so they are not exactly my first rodeo.
Back to my Ramadan challenge. So basically, just when the race for Lailatul Qadr is about to start, my husband contracted COVID yesterday morning. I tested negative today but there is always a chance I might contract it as well although I should be immuned to it since I had it last November. However, mine was the Delta variant so I am not sure if there is a high chance of me getting the Omicron variant. Or is it Omicron XE now?
It came as a surprise. We have always thought that my husband is forever immuned from COVID seeing how he did not get infected when I had it. We practically live in a shoebox and share a toilet. Like how did he not get it with me that time? Haha.
So what I am feeling right now is exactly the same as what I felt when he broke his ankle; alone. Coincidentally, a key personnel from my personal support network has just flown out of the country for months-long respite. I mean, just how much louder can The Maker’s challenge be conveyed to me? He is really telling me, “YEP, YE ARE ON YER OWN, LADY”.
Yes, it is veritable that The Maker is extremely jealous. He does not like it when I attach myself to people more than to him. So right now, He is showing his jealousy by making me feel the exact same feeling that would steer me towards Him. It is indeed a familiar feeling that I recognised it almost immediately.
Of course, it comes without saying that as long as my husband is ill, there is no income coming in. I cannot do our usual deliveries without the driver and he is my deignated driver. Haha. I am just a coordinator. Thankfully though, The Maker gave me a little way out of that hole by moving the hearts of our friends to employ me in supporting their operations. I will be paid hourly while my husband is out of work. Of course, I will need to test myself everyday before I head out as assurance. I will keep my mask on as added measure.
Something is better than nothing.
Want to know something else interesting? I have just asked myself two days ago why exactly am I in a marriage that has not been meeting one of my many many needs. And just like that, poof, tada! Husband gets COVID. And out of that comes another familiar feeling; responsible. Whether I like it or not, whether I want to or not, I have been placed by The Maker in positions that come with a lot of responsibilities throughout my entire life; being a student, being a teacher, being a supervisor, being the eldest daughter and sister, being a wife, and probably on a whole lot more occasions than I actually realise.
The real reason I resigned is because I just want to be selfish and just do whatever I want to do but even that went south because The Maker decided I have to be responsible. I have to always push away any and all selfish needs of mine because He wants me to be responsible.
So this is His way of showing me how much this marriage needs me, which is just as much as how I need this marriage in order for me to stay responsible.
The higher you ascend, the heavier the crown. That is what my mind has just come up with.
That feeling you get when you get the heavy things off your chest. The darker the hour, the heavier the thoughts. I am on a philosophical roll here!
I can close that topic now. I am now in the mood for another more persistent load I have been carrying around. It is about my body image and body issues and basically the entire package of it.
Trust me, I am comfortable in my skin but I am just not enjoying how I look right now. I realise now I feed off the power I feel from enjoying looking good. It has been difficult trying to feel attractive when constantly wearing masks has damaged the mask-wear areas on my face and now I think I am at my heaviest of 62.6kg.
I believe developing the look that I want is one of my goals this year. It has been hard to commit to caring for myself. I do not know anything about proper skincare, good makeup fixes, refuse to buy clothes just to flatter my current bodyline (I much rather lose the damn weight and wear the clothes I have, plus it is more economical that way), refuse to adopt effective exercises, and I do not know how to start preparing balanced meals for my husband and I when we do not have the budget for superfoods.
Tough.
There. It is all out there now. I feel less burdened and more subdued now. Today is another day and another chance at meeting my goals.
Just be brave, Huda. You have dealt with this before. You are a seasoned player. The games do not get easier. They are just different each time. And you season with time. (Spotted a potential pun here: Season with thyme. LOL.)
And Allah is As-Samee’, The All-Hearing. – MM
Metropolitan Muslimah 