In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful.
Bruh, it has been more than a week since I have blogged. That is on me for not living up to my promise of blogging daily. However, kudos to me for picking it up again. A journey may not always be smooth and my Ramadan journey is no different.
I am under a lot of fatigue coupled with a lot of financial pressure. I do not know how else to urge my husband to make some money. I feel like I am the only one hoisting the sails of our sinking ship most of the times because he never has to face the financial institutions we owe to. Everything is under my name and so everyone is coming after me. It just feels horribly unfair but that is the rottenness of life that comes with every goodness of it.
Four years coming to five years of unemployment — how much longer of a break does one need? Yeah, he has been through all the hardships of life but is it justified to leave me to it for the rest of our journey together?
Everybody has their own set of challenges and mine seem to be crafted in a manner that it is mostly focused on money, which ironically, I have zero interest in. Not only is my dollar stretched but my soul is too.
Will I get in trouble for saying all these on a public space? Highly likely but I feel like I could explode from keeping a lot of things in.
The solution is simple — forget about selling the car or the house — just get a job. I have to do things I do not like to get money so I do not see why he gets to be excluded from that.
The only one who can help me with this problem is Him now. Only the Turner of Hearts is capable of getting that man out of his funk and shake him awake. Ya Allah, please instill a greater sense of responsibility in my husband and motivate him to work to provide for me so that I, in turn, have the capability to spend in your cause. Amiin.
It really sucks when I have to hold myself back from spending on other people I love without having to think if I have enough to eat tomorrow. 
So grim for a first post back but that is basically the gist of what I had been doing the past week of Ramadan — stressing over money, trying to fight off every angry voice in my head against my husband, trying to continue my fast, trying not to fall sick around inconsiderate sick people, and trying very hard to adapt to my new work role and responsibilities. Everything is just hitting me like bricks at a go that it almost created a resentment against people who have the luxury to take time off to care for their well-being. I just do not have the luxury of doing so and I have yet to have a holiday for a year.
However, after saying all of the above and re-reading them, I feel very ungrateful for what I have thus far in comparison to people in more dire life-death situations than I am.
So I think all the more, my focus this Ramadan on being geateful, is apt. I just have to keep on working on being grateful by just putting my best foot forward. Rezeki itu milik Allah. Rizq belongs to Allah. Maybe if I am more grateful, only then will Allah give me rizq.
Alhamdulillah, for surviving thus far.
And Allah is Al-‘Aziz, The One Who is Most Powerful and Strong. – MM
Metropolitan Muslimah 