I Ramble: 14 November 2016

In the name of Allah, the Most Beneficent, the Most Merciful.

Just feeling a little down. Been carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. There is so much on the line and so much at stake. Today is Day 1 of 6 Days of Crazy conquered.

And I’m already absolutely positively knackered.

Haisss. I’m such a bad leader.I think. If not, why would all my colleagues go ding dong bell not knowing what they’re supposed to do? BUT THEN I’M PRETTY SURE I LAID OUT THE PLAN/TIMELINE OF WHAT WE’RE DOING DURING THE MEETING. DIDN’T ANYONE TAKE NOTE?!

Alahai. In the end, each time I got frustrated at a colleague, I was just like, “Sod it. I’ll go get it done myself.”

I don’t know la. I just felt that I was quite generous with the task allocation. Nora and I delegated jobs to people yet, as much as possible, I still thought about lightening their load.

We have 5 scenes, which by right, implied that there should be 5 backdrops. Yet, I thought out the best possible and practical stage set-up. We ended up with a banner, two backdrops, and a revolving prop.

The same people who did the above told me they did not have time to make the main character’s prop so I said okay, I will help to do it. And I did. Although I did get some stick from Nora about it hahaha!

I even held back from getting them to do two sets of props for two dance items… yet I was told that that very one set of prop, which was being worked for weeks by the same person, is yet to be ready. And I got my two sets of props ready over the weekend.

And even after giving instructions on WhatsApp, people can completely ignore my instructions and do other things.

*throws my hands up in the sky*

AM I THAT BAD A LEADER?! I guess so. I must be. It’s alright. At the end of it, I’ll think it through again to review and debrief myself. At this point of time, I’m so exasperated that I’ll just take all the blame instead of pointing fingers. I just want to learn from this experience and move on.

Next year, please don’t make me coordinator/in-charge/leader of anything anymore. Kthxbye.

Okay, rant over.

Haisss… Come on, people. We have a job to do so let’s do it well, to the best of our abilities. Don’t shrink away from your roles and don’t shirk away from your responsibilities. Can’t we all just be more proactive? Take more initiative? It is not easy for me to direct while having to oversee every little thing that I have already asked you to do. Korang ni eh… I think you all need to stop waiting for instructions. If you already know your role and never hear anything, ask the leader. What is so hard about that? Asking is free!

Okay, apparently my rant wasn’t completely over.

But now I’m truly too tired to rant anymore.

Right now I’m being bogged down by the constant worrying over EVERYONE’s health. What more the pressures of the production itself.

But I know, I have to keep lifting myself. It’s not easy, having to lift yourself when you’re being pressured… Having to keep up calm appearances when you are so rattled inside…

You know what, never mind. Tomorrow is another day. Let’s begin again with a firm faith.

We can do this, my friends.

And haissss went past my bedtime again. I’ve got too much angst for a 27-year-old. This is unhealthy.

So… I just suddenly had the urge to listen to the song below after work. It has a nice music box intro and then a little andante with the strings before the allegro. Strong bass drum almost war-like anthem. It kind of describes my mood currently. Moments of feeling down and moments of having to battle through the difficulties of the day before moments of feeling down again, reeling from the day’s afflictions.

You know, I recall playing this song back in my JC concert band. At the end of it, my bandmates turned to me and said, “Wah piang, Huda, you beat the bass drum so loud sia!”

Well, I never apologised to them. Maybe I should. SORRY GUYS! TEEHEE. I got carried away! >.<

And Allah is Knower of all things. – MM

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