Metropolitan Muslimah

Be still, my bleeding heart.

Just a little bit more.

I will get there in just a little bit more.

Kami-sama, please make things easy for me. Amiin.

What is limitation?; I Ramble: 12 May 2023

In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful.

I woke up today just as my husband wanted to go to bed at around 9am. No typos there.

I’m having difficulty keeping my eyes open and my body feels wrecked. Technically, I have only worked for two days and on both days, the crowd is mild. However, I feel super worn out right now.

Maybe I overexerted myself last night. I just kinda took it upon myself to help all departments with their customer-returned items by passing to them from the fitting rooms as well as the welcome desk.

Maybe I didn’t realise I have been overexerting myself by working everyday. I just never really get to have a proper rest. Being a GrabFood walker is no walk in the park. My shoulders and back are hurting a lot from carrying big and heavy orders.

Whatever it is, I only have a few hours to recover. Today’s shift is going to be more tiring with a small crowd coming in the evening.

Welp.

I’ve got nice things to be cheered up by, though. A kind soul at work, Davan, got me a bag that’s meant for fishing stuff. Hooray! I really like how compact it is. It’s not waterproof but it’s nifty! It comes with modular boxes that can help me organise my fishing stuff. I prolly don’t need all 4 boxes so I can have room to keep my reel in it! I am extremely grateful!

I also realised that everyone at work treats me as a valuable member. My sister even commented that I am happier now. It is definitely something to be grateful about.

I also had a deep conversation with Shike last night. That is also something to be grateful about. Mate pretty much is exhausted as I am. I think he works more than I do in Australia. We finally sorta caught up with whatever was going on in our lives. Mostly, I needed a perspective I couldn’t get from Singapore. Our conversation made me realise that I know what to do all along. I am just bound to inaction.

Well, what is limitation?

How far can I push my body? What are my physical limits?

How heavy are the responsibilities I carry on my shoulders that cause my movement to be limited? What can I do with and without?

How do I know what is the best outcome? What are my rights?

The conclusion for now is that I need an honest conversation with myself and an overdue long good cry.

And Allah is Al-Baari, The Originator. – MM

The Ramadan Diary: Days 26-30?

In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful.

I….don’t even remember what happened during those days of Ramadan. We are already past the halfway line of the month of Eid’ul-Fitri, which is Syawal, and I finally brought myself to update this forsaken blog.

I don’t know, man. I know I am alive but I am not living.

I am just amazed I have lived as long as I have. That I have gotten this far. What else will happen to me, where else I will go, who else I will love…it makes me reminisce the old principle I always held onto — just follow wherever the wind takes me.

Life is hard for me right now. Anyone else would have gone insane. I honestly don’t know how much strength I have left in my tank. Sometimes I just want to give everything up.

But where there are causes, there are effects as with actions to consequences. That may be a sentence full of broken English but for some reason, I feel, is the best way I can express myself. If you get it, you get it. If not, nevermind. There are plenty of life mysteries for you to take a crack at.

Despite the storm I am caught in with regards to a certain aspect of my life, I am pleasantly surprised by a recent turn of events with regards to another aspect of my life. I think, I never really paid much attention to it but now, it’s like, the force is strong with this one.

At this point, you’ll go, “Oh, hey, Huda, thanks for ghosting me and now all you’re giving me is cryptic bullshit?”

Heh heh. No, I’m just giving you another life mystery to solve. Have a go at it.

Sometimes, I feel like Harry Potter when he kisses the snitch before he faces Voldemort. The whole “I am ready to die” shindig.

However, I am an awful sinner and my Lord will not put me in a good abode in the Hereafter as long as I have not dealt with the present debt and difficulties in my life.

I am just thankful to Him to have allowed me to meet beautiful souls thus far.

I am just perplexed by the mixed signals He is giving me.

Should I stay or should I go?

What does He want me to do?

I need more clues than these, my Lord.

And Allah is Al-Khaaliq, The Creator. – MM

The Ramadan Diary: Days 22-25

In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful.

I am starting to feel distant again.

I keep on wanting to be all by myself. All alone in the dark. And I am usually terrified of being alone in the dark. So that is how I know something is terribly wrong with me.

I think if it were not for Nora’s invitation to game with her, I would have probably fallen into a deeper end of my mind.

I am just not in a talking mood with people and I have been avoiding communications with people. I just somehow managed to force myself to finally reply to queries moments ago.

Being grateful is definitely harder than I thought it would be. Simple concept, arduous to execute.

Now to make a sudden switch of topic, let us talk about my health. I have been going through diarrhea lately, mostly occuring during the earlier parts of my day. I am feeling it again. Does not help with my sluggishness at all.

One more drastic switch of topic, I am grateful for the amount of knowledge I have required by being an Arsenal football fan. It is easier to converse with the football fans at work. Although I do not play the sport, they were pretty impressed with what little knowledge I have and commended me for it. I believe that is what a community should be; welcoming. You cannot onboard an enthusiast if you cannot make it easy for him to gain access into the community.

Also, I wish I have money. Read that very carefully. It is not ‘more money’ but ‘money’.

I am feeling very tired of living… what more people who are trying to survive hunger, famine, diseases, homelessness, invasions, and warfare? It almost feels like survivor’s guilt but that is always ensued with me feeling like a narcissist instead.

I do not know how to live so I am just following the words of my colleague, “Be like water”. I can only do my best to trickle along the crevices of life just like water at the moment.

And Allah is Al-Mutakabbir, The Supreme. – MM

The Ramadan Diary: Days 17-21

In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful.

Finally, I have the time and energy to blog. I have been trying to maintain some form of sanity while trying to keep to the spirit of Ramadan.

Just realised as well that while I had blogged about a week ago, I did not publish it! It is up and live now though.

Continuing from the angst I have from the previous post, I came across an important piece of knowledge that helps me reframe my feelings about things:

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A post shared by Omar Suleiman (@imamomarsuleiman)

I have to bear the hardship of this world with a lot of patience and acceptance if I want to be guaranteed a place in heaven. My current hardship is a means for me to rank up in the eyes of Allah. I just need to navigate my way around this hardship with as much patience as I could muster.

Following that, I should be grateful that my hardship is already one of the easier burdens to bear. For example, I do not have to think about my children because I do not have any. I do not have to worry about having a roof over my head because at the moment, I have two roofs. I have established good working relationships so I do not have to worry about trying to fit in or wonder if I am not doing anything right by my colleagues.

I just have to see myself going over that line. Just a little bit more to bear. Just a little bit more to get done.

But I have to admit that having to redirect my anger as a scorned wife to manifesting a sense of sadaqah or charitable act towards my husband has been extremely challenging. It is a huge battle of my nafs (desire) versus my virtue. It feels like a war I can never win.

I am also struggling very hard to attain a sense of normalcy in life.

Struggle, struggle, struggle. Life is a constant struggle. Yet, here we are at the end of the third week of Ramadan. We are only left with a week more to go. I am still thinking if I should just work on Eid so I can get more money. I am not in a celebratory mood and I do not have the budget to spend on Eid stuff.

Sighs. Life just goes on.

And Allah is Al-Jabbar, The Compeller, The Restorer. May He restore my sense of normalcy in life. Amiin. – MM

The Ramadan Diary: Days 8-16

In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful.

Bruh, it has been more than a week since I have blogged. That is on me for not living up to my promise of blogging daily. However, kudos to me for picking it up again. A journey may not always be smooth and my Ramadan journey is no different.

I am under a lot of fatigue coupled with a lot of financial pressure. I do not know how else to urge my husband to make some money. I feel like I am the only one hoisting the sails of our sinking ship most of the times because he never has to face the financial institutions we owe to. Everything is under my name and so everyone is coming after me. It just feels horribly unfair but that is the rottenness of life that comes with every goodness of it.

Four years coming to five years of unemployment — how much longer of a break does one need? Yeah, he has been through all the hardships of life but is it justified to leave me to it for the rest of our journey together?

Everybody has their own set of challenges and mine seem to be crafted in a manner that it is mostly focused on money, which ironically, I have zero interest in. Not only is my dollar stretched but my soul is too.

Will I get in trouble for saying all these on a public space? Highly likely but I feel like I could explode from keeping a lot of things in.

The solution is simple — forget about selling the car or the house — just get a job. I have to do things I do not like to get money so I do not see why he gets to be excluded from that.

The only one who can help me with this problem is Him now. Only the Turner of Hearts is capable of getting that man out of his funk and shake him awake. Ya Allah, please instill a greater sense of responsibility in my husband and motivate him to work to provide for me so that I, in turn, have the capability to spend in your cause. Amiin.

It really sucks when I have to hold myself back from spending on other people I love without having to think if I have enough to eat tomorrow.

So grim for a first post back but that is basically the gist of what I had been doing the past week of Ramadan — stressing over money, trying to fight off every angry voice in my head against my husband, trying to continue my fast, trying not to fall sick around inconsiderate sick people, and trying very hard to adapt to my new work role and responsibilities. Everything is just hitting me like bricks at a go that it almost created a resentment against people who have the luxury to take time off to care for their well-being. I just do not have the luxury of doing so and I have yet to have a holiday for a year.

However, after saying all of the above and re-reading them, I feel very ungrateful for what I have thus far in comparison to people in more dire life-death situations than I am.

So I think all the more, my focus this Ramadan on being geateful, is apt. I just have to keep on working on being grateful by just putting my best foot forward. Rezeki itu milik Allah. Rizq belongs to Allah. Maybe if I am more grateful, only then will Allah give me rizq.

Alhamdulillah, for surviving thus far.

And Allah is Al-‘Aziz, The One Who is Most Powerful and Strong. – MM