I Ramble: 7 June 2016

In the name of Allah, the Beneficent, the Merciful.

As I sit here on my bed, thinking about life, thinking about my non-existent romantic life, I have begun to seal my fate.

Well, whether it will be unsealed will depend on Him. If He chooses to give, He will give. If He chooses to leave me be, He will leave me be.

I have accepted and whole-heartedly embraced the fact that I am not to have a lover in this world. That he will be waiting for me by the gates of Heaven. Even my mum is resigned to this fact. She said it is better for me. It is eternal love.

Well, perhaps this is why since long ago I have been keen to believe it is so. That God has willed it that I will never be reunited with my other half on this earth. Rather, in the Afterlife.

Perhaps that explains why I kept seeing the same guy in my dreams sporadically throughout my entire lifespan of 26 years. The same guy who said no words of love to me but held me in the most comforting embraces.

I have actually written a ballad, would you believe it, called Where Can You Be?

Maybe I can write a part two to it, a follow-up on me giving up my search to find him on earth. Instead, give my best to find my way to Heaven.

But then, who can love this beast more than Him? I suddenly crave and long to be by His side after so many heartaches created by men. I have lost count. I do not want to care anymore.

Meanwhile, I will continue to wander on these barren lands as a Metropolitan Muslimah, as a make-believe Javanese-Malay mermaid princess who can’t, for her life, swim, and as one lonely heart that beats reconciliation with her past, her future, and still it beats for now.

And He is Knower of all things. – MM

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